Op, I get it. I am also one of three and our youngest is a huge fuck up. Lying and always taking the easy way out is how he has been since 16 or so. Mom passed away 14 yes ago and his behavior hastened her death (eg committed some crimes/felon at 20). Older brother and father enabled him for about 10 years or so until they finally cut him off. If mom were still alive he would cause my parents to divorce and mom would end up with no money because he is a huge parasite.He is not mentally ill. He is just a huge fuck up. I feel like he held our family hostage for decades. Pain, anger and shame. I cut him off a while ago because it was too painful to watch. Any time we ttied to help him He always lied and never followed through with anything. He is now homeless. There isn't much you can do. You aren't the only one.

Anonymous wrote:What's with all of the posters attacking OP for not having more empathy for her brother? Is she supposed to feel sorry for her brother after everything he's done to her family if it was caused by mental illness as opposed to addiction? Whether mental illness causes addiction or vice versa really doesn't matter at the end of the day. You can't force someone to get treatment or take medication. Her brother's issues have torn her family apart, so have a little bit of empathy yourselves, PPs.

It's because OP is willfully ignorant about mental illness and blames her brother for everything that is wrong. Yes, her brother's behavior is unacceptable and maybe unforgivable but her parents financial situation is their own fault, not her brothers. If her parents were to take the steps they need to in order to get their financial and emotional houses in order, the family would not 'torn apart'. I know from experience how difficult, but necessary, it is. OP should grow up, educate herself and then see how she can help her parents - including making sure they know she will not be supporting him and they should give him tough love now so they'll still be around when he gets through recovery.

Being angry with him is justified but it won't help. You need to confront your parents and ask them about their long-term plan for your brother, because you won't be taking care of him when they're gone (and if you like -- because you won't be taking care of them when they give him the last of their money).

This is great advice. I made this clear to my parents that when they could not care for my brother, I would not be replacing their role. It motivated them to get him disability benefits which would not be enough for him to survive on but is still a big help. I also felt like my anger decreased because I wasn't holding all of it in. Some of us are there with you and know it's not easy. Therapy has also helped.

OP, I can completely understand your anger. Your brother sounds difficult and from what I can tell your parents' resources are severely depleted, which could come back to hurt you.

As the sister of a mentally-ill, addicted brother and the child of two pathological enablers, I have to tell you that your parents made their own bed; that they likely deepened your brother's dependence; and that they failed you by failing him.

Being angry with him is justified but it won't help. You need to confront your parents and ask them about their long-term plan for your brother, because you won't be taking care of him when they're gone (and if you like -- because you won't be taking care of them when they give him the last of their money).

You probably won't like their reaction. They'll probably keep doing what they're doing. But at least you'll have some clarity about what's going on here -- that they've given him no reason to become independent and have in fact financed his decline.

Anonymous wrote:What's with all of the posters attacking OP for not having more empathy for her brother? Is she supposed to feel sorry for her brother after everything he's done to her family if it was caused by mental illness as opposed to addiction? Whether mental illness causes addiction or vice versa really doesn't matter at the end of the day. You can't force someone to get treatment or take medication. Her brother's issues have torn her family apart, so have a little bit of empathy yourselves, PPs.

Of course she's supposed to feel sorry for her brother. It sounds like he's living a tortured, lonely, sad life, and his family isn't doing enough to help him. Noncompliance with meds and treatment is part and parcel with mental illness. If you feel a responsibility to your family in sickness and in health, this is part of it. This is sickness, even if it's not convenient for OP and her family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all of the posters attacking OP for not having more empathy for her brother? Is she supposed to feel sorry for her brother after everything he's done to her family if it was caused by mental illness as opposed to addiction? Whether mental illness causes addiction or vice versa really doesn't matter at the end of the day. You can't force someone to get treatment or take medication. Her brother's issues have torn her family apart, so have a little bit of empathy yourselves, PPs.

You and OP still do not get that people who are crazy are...you...know... crazy
Do you really think crazy people will make rationale, sane choices about behaviour, treatment, etc.
You do realize that they are CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, you can have anger and upset and grief and all of the other emotions about their behaviour, but to be mad at them as if they made a decision to be crazy is just...well...
CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PP here. An addict is not necessarily "crazy", to use your terminology. Do they have something in their brain structure or whatnot that may cause them to get addicted to a substance? I believe that is pretty well documented. But to say that every addict is "crazy" is not correct. There are high-functioning addicts who can pretty much live normal lives - they have families, they go to work, they have friends, they are by all accounts normal people. Then there are addicts who cannot function at all. Perhaps OP's brother is the type of addict who cannot function normally. Or perhaps there truly is an underlying mental illness causing or contributing to his behavior. But don't conflate all addicts with those who truly have a mental illness. Neither you nor I truly know what OP's brother's problem is, so you really have no basis to insist that he is crazy and that OP shouldn't be mad at him.

hmmmm.... no one said an addict is necessarily crazy. What I was saying, as well as a number of other posters said, was that the paranoia, et.al , is a pretty sure sign her brother has a mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all of the posters attacking OP for not having more empathy for her brother? Is she supposed to feel sorry for her brother after everything he's done to her family if it was caused by mental illness as opposed to addiction? Whether mental illness causes addiction or vice versa really doesn't matter at the end of the day. You can't force someone to get treatment or take medication. Her brother's issues have torn her family apart, so have a little bit of empathy yourselves, PPs.

You and OP still do not get that people who are crazy are...you...know... crazy
Do you really think crazy people will make rationale, sane choices about behaviour, treatment, etc.
You do realize that they are CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, you can have anger and upset and grief and all of the other emotions about their behaviour, but to be mad at them as if they made a decision to be crazy is just...well...
CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PP here. An addict is not necessarily "crazy", to use your terminology. Do they have something in their brain structure or whatnot that may cause them to get addicted to a substance? I believe that is pretty well documented. But to say that every addict is "crazy" is not correct. There are high-functioning addicts who can pretty much live normal lives - they have families, they go to work, they have friends, they are by all accounts normal people. Then there are addicts who cannot function at all. Perhaps OP's brother is the type of addict who cannot function normally. Or perhaps there truly is an underlying mental illness causing or contributing to his behavior. But don't conflate all addicts with those who truly have a mental illness. Neither you nor I truly know what OP's brother's problem is, so you really have no basis to insist that he is crazy and that OP shouldn't be mad at him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

Well, he refuses any help, and refuses treatment. We can't commit him involuntarily. Guess my parents should just keep on enabling him so he doesn't have to live on the streets.... And yeah, I don't buy the whole "mentally ill" thing. If anything, his mental illness is a result of him frying his own brain because he chose to use drugs. Anyway, you can tell that all my empathy is dried up long ago. If a late-30s guy is still preying on his 70-year-old parents this way I think he deserves hatred and disgust. Guess if he decides to move out here and live with my parents I will just cut them all out of my life, which sucks for my children because they love their grandparents.

I'm in your side op. My shithead alcoholic brother is probably mentally ill now. When he picked up his first beer, nope. Choices. Choices to get help.

Being an alcoholic does not make you mentally ill.
Wow ! There are alot of uneducated and uninformed posters on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:What's with all of the posters attacking OP for not having more empathy for her brother? Is she supposed to feel sorry for her brother after everything he's done to her family if it was caused by mental illness as opposed to addiction? Whether mental illness causes addiction or vice versa really doesn't matter at the end of the day. You can't force someone to get treatment or take medication. Her brother's issues have torn her family apart, so have a little bit of empathy yourselves, PPs.

You and OP still do not get that people who are crazy are...you...know... crazy
Do you really think crazy people will make rationale, sane choices about behaviour, treatment, etc.
You do realize that they are CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, you can have anger and upset and grief and all of the other emotions about their behaviour, but to be mad at them as if they made a decision to be crazy is just...well...
CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

Well, he refuses any help, and refuses treatment. We can't commit him involuntarily. Guess my parents should just keep on enabling him so he doesn't have to live on the streets.... And yeah, I don't buy the whole "mentally ill" thing. If anything, his mental illness is a result of him frying his own brain because he chose to use drugs. Anyway, you can tell that all my empathy is dried up long ago. If a late-30s guy is still preying on his 70-year-old parents this way I think he deserves hatred and disgust. Guess if he decides to move out here and live with my parents I will just cut them all out of my life, which sucks for my children because they love their grandparents.

I'm in your side op. My shithead alcoholic brother is probably mentally ill now. When he picked up his first beer, nope. Choices. Choices to get help.

What's with all of the posters attacking OP for not having more empathy for her brother? Is she supposed to feel sorry for her brother after everything he's done to her family if it was caused by mental illness as opposed to addiction? Whether mental illness causes addiction or vice versa really doesn't matter at the end of the day. You can't force someone to get treatment or take medication. Her brother's issues have torn her family apart, so have a little bit of empathy yourselves, PPs.

I have a sibling who has very similar issues as your brother. He steals, assaults, threatens, bullies and scares my parents into getting what he wants. He also has serious mental health issues (usually untreated) and addiction problems. I have intense levels of anger towards him but I won't call it hate. Some of the things he has done I can never forgive. Behind that anger I have a lot of sadness, grief and shame. I think its hard for some people to understand how much untreated addiction and mental illness can terrorize a family. My parents are still his hostages but I no longer am. I had to break off all contact with him to protect myself and my children. In some ways I have distanced myself from my parents because I would get upset with them when shared one of their latest crises. I could write a novel about the failures of our mental health system. I have to accept that I have no power over these people even though I love them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your parents are blinded in the same way many parents are with that unapologetic, unconditional love they have for their kids. It's the same love they have for you, and the rest of the siblings. It's the same kind of love you have for your kids. Until you've been there in the shoes of a parent of an addict you have no idea. Being a sibling isn't the same- and I truly hope you never find out.

2. It's entirely possible there are issues concerning your brother you are not privy to.

3. Your parents' money issues are their own. You can't blame that on anyone else but them.

4. Mental illness is real, A common time for onset is late teens/ early 20's- college age. A common method of management is use of illegal drugs. That is fact. That is science. I assume you aren't against science as a child of an MD.

5. You can create whatever boundaries you want with your brother, but you are not entitled to dictate other people's boundaries with him.

All of this. Very well put.

Amen x 100000000000000000000000000000000000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

Well, he refuses any help, and refuses treatment. We can't commit him involuntarily. Guess my parents should just keep on enabling him so he doesn't have to live on the streets.... And yeah, I don't buy the whole "mentally ill" thing. If anything, his mental illness is a result of him frying his own brain because he chose to use drugs. Anyway, you can tell that all my empathy is dried up long ago. If a late-30s guy is still preying on his 70-year-old parents this way I think he deserves hatred and disgust. Guess if he decides to move out here and live with my parents I will just cut them all out of my life, which sucks for my children because they love their grandparents.

ohhh
ohhh
ohhhh
A lot of people start using drugs to self-medicate their mental illness. Read up on mental illness. Bottom line it means your brain does not work right, so if your brain is not working as it should you are not going to make rational decisions.
If your brother is acting out in a paranoid manner that means he is crazy. What don't you get about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your parents are blinded in the same way many parents are with that unapologetic, unconditional love they have for their kids. It's the same love they have for you, and the rest of the siblings. It's the same kind of love you have for your kids. Until you've been there in the shoes of a parent of an addict you have no idea. Being a sibling isn't the same- and I truly hope you never find out.

2. It's entirely possible there are issues concerning your brother you are not privy to.

3. Your parents' money issues are their own. You can't blame that on anyone else but them.

4. Mental illness is real, A common time for onset is late teens/ early 20's- college age. A common method of management is use of illegal drugs. That is fact. That is science. I assume you aren't against science as a child of an MD.

5. You can create whatever boundaries you want with your brother, but you are not entitled to dictate other people's boundaries with him.

All of this. Very well put.

I agree as well. I've got a mentally ill brother, probably with a personality disorder as well, but "all" he's been diagnosed with is bipolar disorder. Refuses any treatment. Everything is everyone else's fault. Huge rages. The whole 9 yards. Mostly I felt sorry for him, but he started hurting his child and our mother, and I couldn't tolerate that. My mother finally, after 2 years of hell, did the tough love thing and cut him off, but a kid can't cut him off as easily. Fortunately me ex sis in law was able to get full custody and now my brother can't hurt his child anymore. But I HATED him for hurting two very vulnerable people. My mom is elderly and to watch her only son treat her like crap was just devastating. Sometimes I still feel sympathy, but mostly hatred. His rages are like napalm on scores of people. There's always a huge fall-out, and always a ripple effect. Untreated mental illness is an illness like no other in terms of how much damage it does to so many people.