Someday the cards and the checks will stop and you will realize how much you miss having parents. Mine are in their 80's and still doing it, even though they know we don't need it. It makes them happy and they pride themselves in still being able to write a check, put it in a signed card, and send it to you with love. Accept their gifts with gratitude and thank them for remembering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op: $100. My parents are frugal and secretive about their finances, but Mom has let a few hints go that they have quite the stash.

I'd just say "thanks mom and dad" and move on for their sake.

This is what I do (I'm also 43). I tried to shut this down about 10 years ago. They got insulted and basically asked me why I cared so much if it made them happy. They have plenty of money (so do I, which is why I thought to shut it down), so it's not even a tiny hardship for them.

So I use it for whatever, and we're all happy.

Don't cash it, if you don't want it.

This is such a good problem to have. Use to to go out to dinner or buy yourself something nice! Just say thank you! Sheesh.

I'm 51 and my Mom faithfully sends birthday checks to both me and my husband. I never dreamed it was anything other than here is a gift, you are my family. I don't, nor does my husband, find it infantalizing. We don't need it but a accept it in the spirit with which it is given.

I know what you mean, OP. I feel like my parents do not fully accept that I am no longer a kid, and getting the check feels like they just want nothing to change. It also feels like they are just checking off a box of Things To Do rather than being something really heartfelt. I call my Dad, on his birthday, for example, and talk to him. I would appreciate a phone call and some warm wishes more than a check for $100 but that's not how we do things in my family I guess. And yes, I have spent some of this money on therapy.

OP, your post made me remember smth I read a while back. The now infamous Guantanamo bay military base in Cuba is on the land that was formally leased to the US government by the Cuban government in 1903.

Despite the revolution and hostilities, every year US sends a check to Fidel for the contractual amount. He puts it in his desk. Not once since 1960s has it been cashed.

Take what you want from this story. You can draw the line in the sand by never cashing. Or you can see it as a sign that your parents in some way feel it's their obligation to you, no matter what.

It may also be automated and they forgot about it. I have a citibank feature like that.

Send a thank you note that indicates what charity you supported--there's nothing "infantile" about giving $100 to the Red Cross.

Anonymous wrote:op: I have a very strained relationship with them. The check feels infantilizing, if that's a word.

Than that is your issue and your sensitivity and less about the validity of the gift. I had a grandmother who did that every year until she did(I was over 40). Our HHI was higher than hers ever was, but it was a sweet gesture on her part that showed she cares about and was thinking about me. My mom and other living grandparent even send checks to my DH on his b'day. We all think it is sweet and funny. My DH and mature, responsible adults who do not let something like a 5 or 50 dollar check make us feel less than who we know we are.

Please send them to me. I desperately need money. I'll write a prompt and heartfelt thank you note.

Anonymous wrote:I'd like my parents to stop sending me a check for my birthday. There's no way to say this politely, is there?

Tell them to send it to me.

Anonymous wrote:op: I have a very strained relationship with them. The check feels infantilizing, if that's a word.

Ok, I understand. Maybe it's their way of trying to keep up some sort of relationship despite the strain? I wouldn't assume they are trying to make a statement about your independence or financial means.

Put it in your kids college fund. My parents barely acknowledge my birthday. I'd be thrilled for that.

Just say thank you. Drop into your kids college savings or donate to charity. As a parent, I cannot imagine never giving my children at least a token on their birthday. My parents/grandmother still send something- and usually its money. I always let them know what I get. It makes them happy. More about them than me.

Anonymous wrote:op: I have a very strained relationship with them. The check feels infantilizing, if that's a word.

Use it to get some therapy so you can accept it without the baggage.