Was he like that with everyone? Do you feel like he can help or change it? My dad wasn't loving or demonstrative either and I remember the one time he told me he loved me. But as an adult looking back, I think he may have had Aspergers or something similar. I feel sorry for him because of what he missed out on and I think he did the best he could.

Anonymous wrote:My plate is too full right now. I'm overwhelmed by responsibility. He's a taker, not a giver.

Sounds like you two are similar. When he was dealing with the responsibility of providing for you he didn't make an emotional connection. Now you have responsibilities and don't plan to make an effort to create one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your dad worked so you had a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and schools to go to. He may not have been very "warm and fuzzy", but sticking around and providing for you should count for something. I actually do think you may share his emotional limitations if you don't see that.

My stepfather did all that and allowed his three sons to beat me up and molest me for years. Should I still love him?

I mean this very kindly - you need to work on your issues in therapy. You've posted before and throw this out when it's relevant or in context. I understand your anger (I had to work through my own tragic childhood) but it's too close to the surface. Hugs.

Pp. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned my step family, ever. I only did this time because the idea that just because someone makes sure a child is warm and fed is abysmal to me. There's so much more to parenting. Thanks for the therapy idea, but I'm all done with that and over it. It's not anger at my childhood I'm expressing, it's the idea that family is all and we owe them everything.
Hugs back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your dad worked so you had a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and schools to go to. He may not have been very "warm and fuzzy", but sticking around and providing for you should count for something. I actually do think you may share his emotional limitations if you don't see that.

I have to agree with this -- I don't see anything in your post which leads me to think he was abusive, he just wasn't the father you wanted. Very few of us in life get the parents we want exactly. No one is perfect.

I think that you can respect him for providing for you, but you don't have to love him. I also find--having had a father who provided for the kids financially, but was an abusive alcoholic--that having an unloving, unaffectionate parent, and being acutely aware of it, does not stunt you emotionally, but it does make you much more emotionally cautious and aware. My friends who grew up with loving, affectionate, kind, and responsible parents are almost naive in their love and respect for their parents. It's like they almost cannot believe that one of their peers few up with parents who were anything but. I am also super good at reading body language and emotional cues probably from the years of trying to anticipate and avoid conflict in the house due to my dad's behavior. OTOH, having grown up with a parent you can't love also unfortunately sets up a cycle where you think that it's normal to feel emotionally neglected.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your dad worked so you had a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and schools to go to. He may not have been very "warm and fuzzy", but sticking around and providing for you should count for something. I actually do think you may share his emotional limitations if you don't see that.

I have to agree with this -- I don't see anything in your post which leads me to think he was abusive, he just wasn't the father you wanted. Very few of us in life get the parents we want exactly. No one is perfect.

My plate is too full right now. I'm overwhelmed by responsibility. He's a taker, not a giver.

Now that you're grown and he's not under the pressure to be an old-fashioned provider how about you try to forge a bond with him by doing things together sometimes? Grab lunch or coffee. Call for no reason and ask how he's doing. Invite him to a kid's activity.

you're old enough to share responsibility for creating this emotional connection. He might be grateful you took the first step.

np: My dad is emotionally needy and has trouble sharing my mom with his children and grandchildren. They visit once or twice a year. I have stopped visiting them. He shows no interest in my kids. On visits, he used to ask us to leave the room so he could watch the movie he rented, for example. He wouldn't turn the heat up even a drop when I brought a baby. These are some reasons why we stopped visiting. When my youngest was in the hospital for a few months 2 years ago, my relationship with my dad deteriorated a lot. I needed my mom to help with the other 2 kids, and I had to fight him very hard for that. I had to beg them to get any help. He likes my husband and he is proud of my accomplishments, but I'm still angry at him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your dad worked so you had a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and schools to go to. He may not have been very "warm and fuzzy", but sticking around and providing for you should count for something. I actually do think you may share his emotional limitations if you don't see that.

My stepfather did all that and allowed his three sons to beat me up and molest me for years. Should I still love him?

I mean this very kindly - you need to work on your issues in therapy. You've posted before and throw this out when it's relevant or in context. I understand your anger (I had to work through my own tragic childhood) but it's too close to the surface. Hugs.

My dad is like yours. I respect him. I love him, but in more an intellectual way, not the heart-felt way I love my mom. He probably doesn't want your love. He probably only ever wanted your mom's love. That's how my dad was. He took care of us as a way of pleasing my mom and as a way of thinking about himself as a responsible man. I don't think he wanted our love; he wanted our respect.

Setting limits with my mother eventually gave me the freedom to love her for who she was. But if you don't set those limits, loving someone like that is too risky for your own sense of self. It's okay to distance yourself and it may lead to a better relationship in the end. Don't force it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your dad worked so you had a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and schools to go to. He may not have been very "warm and fuzzy", but sticking around and providing for you should count for something. I actually do think you may share his emotional limitations if you don't see that.

My stepfather did all that and allowed his three sons to beat me up and molest me for years. Should I still love him?

Seriously?! How did you get that from my post? Clearly the situation I was describing was not applicable to you. OP was describing a non-demonstrative man, who provided for her growing up. There was no mention of abuse in her op, and none in my pp either. Get yourself some therapy - not every parent is abusive. I'm sorry yours was.

There's way more to being a parent than putting food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes on your back. OP can recognize that her father did those things and be thankful, but she's not required to love him for it.