Nothing to add, just solidarity...didn't really realize how childish and narcissistic my mother was until I had kids; now I see all kinds of things from my childhood differently.

I have just refused to engage with her. Not going to be drawn into her drama.

I wouldn't use the term hate. I have long recognized my mother is borderline and lives to stir up conflict. Being around her is exhausting. I don't personalize what she does but I have to intentionally keep myself from reacting to her or I would go nuts, but then not reacting is difficult too because the things she does are so frustrating and annoying. Her personal style is so abrasive that she sucks all the air out of the room. She also has no friends at this point in her life so she would call me 10 times a day if I let her.

I hate mine. My pre-therapy self could have written OP's post. I say pre-therapy because I'm not angry or tense about it anymore.

The kids are not a safe topic with her-- in fact it was her insanely intensive, overbearing grandmothering that undermined all of the hard work I'd put in to forgiving her for her emotional and physical abuse.

If she's so exhausting why do you think she's good for your kids?