Anonymous
03/08/2016 11:14
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My dad married my stepmom when I was 13. A condition of their marriage that I didn't learn about until much later in life was that he would not have kids with her until my brother and I graduated college.
They have been together for 30 yrs now. She is my other mom. I'm glad my dad is happy and she takes great care of him, all of the kids, and the grandkids.
That's not really fair to her, given her age, she then might not have any kids.
Why was it not fair to her? She did not have to marry him if she did not want to agree to wait to have kids. I wish more people would be honest and explicit about what they want in a marriage.
Anonymous
03/08/2016 11:08
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:Happy, but it is a lot. DH and I each have 2 children from our previous marriages. That means really there are 8 of us -- DH, our kids, and our exes. If any one of those people decides to create a problem, it affects us all.
His ex has mental health issues, so her functionality comes and goes. She's not an entirely present mother, physically or emotionally. It is sad to see for the kids, but in a way, it's made them receptive to the care and attention I give them. I don't co-parent, I am like a favorite auntie. But not exactly b/c things come up just living together. They are laid-back kids and fun.
My kids were younger when they met my current DH (3 and 6 compared to his, 9 and 12). He doesn't co-parent per se but the kids look up to him and he's been an important part of their lives.
We haven't had any "you're not my parent" type of problems, the issues are just logistics and that we have teens in the house. Different issues at different ages--all normal whether blended or not.
Communication and rules are key for all of us, and we have a strong routine. Our lives could be chaos but we've ritualized hand-offs, bedtime, meals, etc. Each of us spends time with our own kids a lot by ourselves, and each others, and all together. No one is forced.
DH is worth it. We each had tough and long first marriages. Having a marriage like this is amazing, and we take very good care of each other. We respect each other's kids and care for them. It's not easy, but rewarding, and we have a lot of fun.
This is good to hear. My DH is great, especially compared to my ex. I didn't choose to end my first marriage, ex left suddenly when our kids were toddlers. DH and I get along really well and enjoy each others company. Our kids are all doing really well too. At this point I would prefer to do more things with just my kids.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 20:36
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
I think usually the parents have overly high expectations. Managing children across multiple households is always going to be difficult and stressful. Yes, even if everyone is "amicable", it's still a ton of work.
It isn't very fun to go through a divorce and then be also expected to accommodate a new adult and new siblings. Too many people, too many schedules, too many opinions and feeeeeeelings. I like that my dad's wife takes care of him as he's getting old, but I think I've contributed quite enough in just putting up with joint custody etc. I don't feel obligated to spend time with her or help make their marriage work, or pretend that I'm happy with the way things turned out. None of this was my idea. And I don't like her kids, they are annoying.
As for you, OP, you have four children. That is why you are stressed. Why does your DH want you to do more things together? Does he have divorce guilt? Or does he think his kids ought to like you because he likes you? It doesn't work that way. They didn't choose you and if they don't want to spend time with you and your children, nothing good will come of forcing it.
It isn't very fun to go through a divorce and then be also expected to accommodate a new adult and new siblings. Too many people, too many schedules, too many opinions and feeeeeeelings. I like that my dad's wife takes care of him as he's getting old, but I think I've contributed quite enough in just putting up with joint custody etc. I don't feel obligated to spend time with her or help make their marriage work, or pretend that I'm happy with the way things turned out. None of this was my idea. And I don't like her kids, they are annoying.
As for you, OP, you have four children. That is why you are stressed. Why does your DH want you to do more things together? Does he have divorce guilt? Or does he think his kids ought to like you because he likes you? It doesn't work that way. They didn't choose you and if they don't want to spend time with you and your children, nothing good will come of forcing it.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 19:41
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:My dad married my stepmom when I was 13. A condition of their marriage that I didn't learn about until much later in life was that he would not have kids with her until my brother and I graduated college.
They have been together for 30 yrs now. She is my other mom. I'm glad my dad is happy and she takes great care of him, all of the kids, and the grandkids.
That's not really fair to her, given her age, she then might not have any kids.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 19:36
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
My dad married my stepmom when I was 13. A condition of their marriage that I didn't learn about until much later in life was that he would not have kids with her until my brother and I graduated college.
They have been together for 30 yrs now. She is my other mom. I'm glad my dad is happy and she takes great care of him, all of the kids, and the grandkids.
They have been together for 30 yrs now. She is my other mom. I'm glad my dad is happy and she takes great care of him, all of the kids, and the grandkids.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 19:30
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.
Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.
Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 19:06
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:I had a 6 yo DD when I married DH. Now we also have 2 younger DDs together--all 3 live with us. My DD sees her dad and stepmom on the weekends. I have no regrets but my DH might. His difficulties being a stepparent have been a huge stress on our marriage. It has gotten much better, but it was a big learning curve for him, and all of us. He had no exposure to kids before we got together. I absolutely love all my kids equally. I hope my DD doesn't regret me marrying. She's had her rough times with my DH, but I believe he has been a positive in her life. He's strict, but he's also strict with our younger DDs, so he doesn't single her out. Still, I worry about her feelings. It's hard. But honestly I feel I am a better parent now than I was as a single mom. The girls are all just sisters since they live together, no sibling issues or difference in treatment.
We coparent well with DD's dad/stepmom but one big issue is that we are stuck in this location until DD gets older. I don't think DH really considered that before marriage. We don't fight about that, but I know he would have preferred to move around more.
That sounds pretty rough for your daughter.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 19:04
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
I have a one year old and three non custodial step kids. I am happy. I love my step kids and they love me. Everyone was a little worried about my stepkids when the baby came along, but DH and bio mom spent a lot of time socializing the idea, and they adore him. We do big family vacation 1-2x per year and really enjoy them. But DH is a "Disneyland Dad" so I'm not sure how it would play out if we had them full time.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:17
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
OP, it sounds like your DH just needs to be more realistic about teenagers. They don't necessarily want a lot of family time, no matter what kind of family it is. Maybe he could try spending time with them one-on-one, sometimes teenagers respond well to that.
Personally, having seen my mom and her husband go through all the hassles of trying (and failing) to blend us, I wouldn't choose to become a step-parent myself. It just seems like a lot of effort for dubious return. Growing up, there were basically three households that had to coordinate schedules and finances. It was too hard logistically, even when people got along well there was too much compromise, and an emergency or problem in one household would disrupt the others, so life was just chronically unstable. My mom isn't even that happy in her second marriage anyway.
Meanwhile, my dad remarried when I was in my 30s, and is now implying that I should care for his wife after he passes on. Which I'm not going to do-- I appreciate that she takes care of him, but she isn't a parent to me, in fact I barely know her, and it's not my fault that her son is irresponsible and doesn't help her. Dealing with aging divorced parents is bad enough already without having to care for four old people instead of just two. So I have distanced myself from his wife to make that clear.
Personally, having seen my mom and her husband go through all the hassles of trying (and failing) to blend us, I wouldn't choose to become a step-parent myself. It just seems like a lot of effort for dubious return. Growing up, there were basically three households that had to coordinate schedules and finances. It was too hard logistically, even when people got along well there was too much compromise, and an emergency or problem in one household would disrupt the others, so life was just chronically unstable. My mom isn't even that happy in her second marriage anyway.
Meanwhile, my dad remarried when I was in my 30s, and is now implying that I should care for his wife after he passes on. Which I'm not going to do-- I appreciate that she takes care of him, but she isn't a parent to me, in fact I barely know her, and it's not my fault that her son is irresponsible and doesn't help her. Dealing with aging divorced parents is bad enough already without having to care for four old people instead of just two. So I have distanced myself from his wife to make that clear.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 13:47
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Happy, but it is a lot. DH and I each have 2 children from our previous marriages. That means really there are 8 of us -- DH, our kids, and our exes. If any one of those people decides to create a problem, it affects us all.
His ex has mental health issues, so her functionality comes and goes. She's not an entirely present mother, physically or emotionally. It is sad to see for the kids, but in a way, it's made them receptive to the care and attention I give them. I don't co-parent, I am like a favorite auntie. But not exactly b/c things come up just living together. They are laid-back kids and fun.
My kids were younger when they met my current DH (3 and 6 compared to his, 9 and 12). He doesn't co-parent per se but the kids look up to him and he's been an important part of their lives.
We haven't had any "you're not my parent" type of problems, the issues are just logistics and that we have teens in the house. Different issues at different ages--all normal whether blended or not.
Communication and rules are key for all of us, and we have a strong routine. Our lives could be chaos but we've ritualized hand-offs, bedtime, meals, etc. Each of us spends time with our own kids a lot by ourselves, and each others, and all together. No one is forced.
DH is worth it. We each had tough and long first marriages. Having a marriage like this is amazing, and we take very good care of each other. We respect each other's kids and care for them. It's not easy, but rewarding, and we have a lot of fun.
His ex has mental health issues, so her functionality comes and goes. She's not an entirely present mother, physically or emotionally. It is sad to see for the kids, but in a way, it's made them receptive to the care and attention I give them. I don't co-parent, I am like a favorite auntie. But not exactly b/c things come up just living together. They are laid-back kids and fun.
My kids were younger when they met my current DH (3 and 6 compared to his, 9 and 12). He doesn't co-parent per se but the kids look up to him and he's been an important part of their lives.
We haven't had any "you're not my parent" type of problems, the issues are just logistics and that we have teens in the house. Different issues at different ages--all normal whether blended or not.
Communication and rules are key for all of us, and we have a strong routine. Our lives could be chaos but we've ritualized hand-offs, bedtime, meals, etc. Each of us spends time with our own kids a lot by ourselves, and each others, and all together. No one is forced.
DH is worth it. We each had tough and long first marriages. Having a marriage like this is amazing, and we take very good care of each other. We respect each other's kids and care for them. It's not easy, but rewarding, and we have a lot of fun.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 13:40
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
I had a 6 yo DD when I married DH. Now we also have 2 younger DDs together--all 3 live with us. My DD sees her dad and stepmom on the weekends. I have no regrets but my DH might. His difficulties being a stepparent have been a huge stress on our marriage. It has gotten much better, but it was a big learning curve for him, and all of us. He had no exposure to kids before we got together. I absolutely love all my kids equally. I hope my DD doesn't regret me marrying. She's had her rough times with my DH, but I believe he has been a positive in her life. He's strict, but he's also strict with our younger DDs, so he doesn't single her out. Still, I worry about her feelings. It's hard. But honestly I feel I am a better parent now than I was as a single mom. The girls are all just sisters since they live together, no sibling issues or difference in treatment.
We coparent well with DD's dad/stepmom but one big issue is that we are stuck in this location until DD gets older. I don't think DH really considered that before marriage. We don't fight about that, but I know he would have preferred to move around more.
We coparent well with DD's dad/stepmom but one big issue is that we are stuck in this location until DD gets older. I don't think DH really considered that before marriage. We don't fight about that, but I know he would have preferred to move around more.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 13:23
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am in a blended family but I didn't bring any kids into it. I have three step kids, one of whom is severely disabled. And I have one bio child with my husband.
The kids are all scattered, except our child together. We get together as much as possible but we've never taken a vacation together. It's not ideal but maybe I set the bar low. My relationship with my step kids is more like that of a caring aunt. I didn't expect them to love me or even like me. And I didn't expect the Brady Bunch. I think they are neat in their unique ways. I enjoy hearing about their lives. I feel sadness when they struggle. I feel sad I can take my bio kid on a vacation and not them. But as long as we are getting pretty regular contact, I'm generally happy.
Things change as they hit new milestones in life. My older step caught will get married soon. Will we still be a part of her new life? I don't know. I hope so, in some fashion.
Uh, why on earth would you not be?
Grown, scattered....perhaps there wasn't a close relationship to begin with. DH's kids are grown, still have many problems. They weren't crazy about me or our kids, we don't talk at all but are "polite" when we have to be in each other's company.
Pretty typical actually.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 13:06
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:I am in a blended family but I didn't bring any kids into it. I have three step kids, one of whom is severely disabled. And I have one bio child with my husband.
The kids are all scattered, except our child together. We get together as much as possible but we've never taken a vacation together. It's not ideal but maybe I set the bar low. My relationship with my step kids is more like that of a caring aunt. I didn't expect them to love me or even like me. And I didn't expect the Brady Bunch. I think they are neat in their unique ways. I enjoy hearing about their lives. I feel sadness when they struggle. I feel sad I can take my bio kid on a vacation and not them. But as long as we are getting pretty regular contact, I'm generally happy.
Things change as they hit new milestones in life. My older step caught will get married soon. Will we still be a part of her new life? I don't know. I hope so, in some fashion.
Uh, why on earth would you not be?
Anonymous
03/07/2016 12:57
Subject: If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm happy. My kids are happy. I think DH is stressed because his exwife is stressed and is very shrill with the kids. I think the kids are happy but stressed with her and then sometimes get sad at being happy with us (a feeling of lack of loyalty).
Do your stepkids live with you?
Yes.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 12:56
Subject: Re:If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?
The step kids didn't live with us so much easier. There was no way we could all live under the same roof. I don't know too many people that did joint custody where it worked. In fact I think the courts need to go back to visitation, joint custody is a mess for the poor kid going back and forth as well. They want to live by their school, friends, etc.