Anonymous
Post 03/09/2016 22:19     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:Merging families can be hard. If you're a MIL, what are the things you wish you could say to your DIL or wish she did differently? What drives you crazy? There is a lot of "MIL drives me nuts" talk on this site, but what are the pain points on the other side of the relationship?



My DIL seems to be a little bit scared of me. Why in the heck is she scared of me???? I am just a mere mortal, with good stuff and faults like anyone else. No one else has ever been scared of me. I am not the great and powerful Oz.

I would also like to tell her that I wish that gifts were acknowledged. We live 1,400 miles apart from each other. I send gifts for the kids a couple times a year. They are never acknowledged. I suspect her thinking is that her husband / my son should acknowledge the gifts. But when I ask him about them, he doesn't know what I am talking about, since she usually brings in the mail, and he works a lot of hours and isn't home much.

Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 11:31     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.


My MIL complains her MIL didn't like her. She's still a pill to deal with and doesn't understand why we spend 1/2 our holidays with my family.

So yeah, didn't help me. Selfish people will be selfish.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 09:12     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.


There may be something to that. My ILs, especially my MIL, are wonderful. They are like second parents to me. My MIL told me early on that her own MIL was just awful to her and she had to put up with it for 30 years and she swore to be the complete opposite when her son got married. Her MIL would do things like pretend to forget her name (when they lived 10 minutes away and saw each other weekly or more) or "forget" to buy her a ticket or get her a seat when the whole family went out together. Terrible, mean passive-aggressive crap like that. I am the lucky recipient of her suffering -- I could not ask for a sweeter, kinder, or more thoughtful MIL.


It depends. My MIL's mother was really uninterested in her as a person and bitter that her son moved away from his small town to be her husband. Now, my MIL is hell bent on ensuring she doesn't do that and is as a resulting wanting to be my best friend and in my business when it's REALLY not appropriate. So... sometimes people overcompensate.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 08:57     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.


+1

PP here. Exactly.

Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 23:08     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.


There may be something to that. My ILs, especially my MIL, are wonderful. They are like second parents to me. My MIL told me early on that her own MIL was just awful to her and she had to put up with it for 30 years and she swore to be the complete opposite when her son got married. Her MIL would do things like pretend to forget her name (when they lived 10 minutes away and saw each other weekly or more) or "forget" to buy her a ticket or get her a seat when the whole family went out together. Terrible, mean passive-aggressive crap like that. I am the lucky recipient of her suffering -- I could not ask for a sweeter, kinder, or more thoughtful MIL.


Agreed. My great grandmother was the (bad) example in our family. She was just so horrible to my grandmother that it is still talked about now, many years later. The prime example was the fact that she started soiling herself the day she moved in with my grandparents, since she knew my grandmother would be the one that had to clean her up. She never used the toilet again for the rest of her life to punish my grandmother for stealing her precious son away. No health problems to blame it on, she just wanted to punish my grandmother.

Needless to say, the subsequent generations have been incredibly welcoming to new family members.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 21:14     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.


There may be something to that. My ILs, especially my MIL, are wonderful. They are like second parents to me. My MIL told me early on that her own MIL was just awful to her and she had to put up with it for 30 years and she swore to be the complete opposite when her son got married. Her MIL would do things like pretend to forget her name (when they lived 10 minutes away and saw each other weekly or more) or "forget" to buy her a ticket or get her a seat when the whole family went out together. Terrible, mean passive-aggressive crap like that. I am the lucky recipient of her suffering -- I could not ask for a sweeter, kinder, or more thoughtful MIL.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 20:10     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
I think the best IL's are the ones who have had the worst IL's.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 19:23     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
When I am a MIL, I want my DIL to know: Above all, be good to each other - be kind and respectful to each other - you should always be equal partners (unlike MIL and FIL). We are here for you (not just when we need something, like my own MIL). I hope I will give you the husband you always dreamed of, I hope I taught him well. Know that I did my best, and I will try not to take my problems out on you (again, like my MIL did to me and DH - but don't know if I will reveal those parts of the story).

Life is not always perfect, but mutual respect goes a long way. Enjoy each other, you do not know what tomorrow brings, and you need a strong foundation for each other. Do your best to be thoughtful and considerate to each other (again, unlike my ILs).

My ILs taught me more than they know!
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 18:37     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.


You sound like you will be an awesome MIL, PP. I hope your son marries someone who recognizes that.
.

She's his confidante, not you.

Thank you. He's engaged. I hope I do well as a MIL. His fiancee is very kind, as I said. I think they are a good match. I have no idea what to expect as far as how I fit in later on. We'll see.


Are people not allowed to have more than one confidante? How about you?
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 18:32     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.


You sound like you will be an awesome MIL, PP. I hope your son marries someone who recognizes that.
.

She's his confidante, not you.

Thank you. He's engaged. I hope I do well as a MIL. His fiancee is very kind, as I said. I think they are a good match. I have no idea what to expect as far as how I fit in later on. We'll see.


I've been his confidante his whole life. Although I'm sure I'm not the only one. And I hope he confides in his fiancee. He has a tendency to over share. But when people have trouble in their marriages, or just want to complain about the day's latest pain, they need to be careful about sharing too much. I've seen it cause problems in my family and others. I'm just giving him a heads up that he needs to be careful of what he shares.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 18:02     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.


You sound like you will be an awesome MIL, PP. I hope your son marries someone who recognizes that.
.

She's his confidante, not you.

Thank you. He's engaged. I hope I do well as a MIL. His fiancee is very kind, as I said. I think they are a good match. I have no idea what to expect as far as how I fit in later on. We'll see.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 17:22     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.


You sound like you will be an awesome MIL, PP. I hope your son marries someone who recognizes that.


Thank you. He's engaged. I hope I do well as a MIL. His fiancee is very kind, as I said. I think they are a good match. I have no idea what to expect as far as how I fit in later on. We'll see.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 17:18     Subject: Re:Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:You will never be as pretty, as clean, as smart, as crafty and as wifey as I am so stop trying.


What does "as wifey" mean?
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 17:11     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
Anonymous wrote:I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.


You sound like you will be an awesome MIL, PP. I hope your son marries someone who recognizes that.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 16:59     Subject: Just curious-- MILs: what do you wish your DIL knew?
I've told my son from day 1 to choose a woman who's kind to him, and that he makes sure he is kind to her. Looks, religion, income, hobbies -- none of that matters to me. I don't expect to be my DIL's best friend, but I do expect we will be polite and friendly to one another. If it's closer than that, great. He seems to have picked someone who is kind. So I'm happy.

I have also told my son that I love to be his confidante and help him through problems. HOWEVER, he needs to be careful complaining about his fiancee/wife. (He doesn't, but I'm talking about the future). Because I will naturally want to take his side. Hopefully there will never be anything difficult or hard to get over, but I told him he should find another confidante for sharing any marital problems.

On the selfish side of things, I would like to be a fairly regular part of my son's life. We used to always go to my mom's house for Sunday night dinner. I'd like something similar. Doesn't have to be weekly. (They are local). I would like to babysit when they have kids. Give them a night out here or there. Or a weekend alone. I'll dog sit too. Invite me to the kids' events. School concerts, basketball games, those types of things. That's not "every" game or concert, but a few here and there.