Tell her.

It is the right thing to do. Getting this out in the open is best for everyone. The information will help Mom see her darling DH in a true light for the monster he is. It is fair that he carries the guilt, if not shame.

Your Mom will be hurt telling her about the abuse. The pain she feels will be fair for the incompetent parenting, bad choices in husband, and it may knock down her some as it sounds like she is still a controlling narcissist.

As an adult, and so is your mom, everyone is mature enough for the truth and no one owes anyone any withholding/white lies/whitewashing of the true history. Keeping quiet, especially to protect the perpetrator is the abuse still going on. It is time to stop this episode in your lives, assert yourselves, and reclaim your freedom. You owe that to yourselves.

Don't wait.

I know it happens but I am baffled by a mother not believing her child when they report abuse. Or believing and doing nothing.

Anonymous wrote:New poster here OP, I'm a mom. If my son were abused, I'd want to know. He's my baby forever, even when he is an adult. Doesn't matter who did it. Even a loved one. My duty (and my heart) belong to my child. I'm not saying the news wouldn't be tragic. It would. But I would want my son to feel safe telling me.

Unfortunately not all moms feel the same way. My MIL is a prime example.

I was sexually abused as a child by my father. A year later there was a divorce, with some domestic violence, substance abuse and adultry thrown in. 30 years later, while I was working with a therapist, I finally told my mother, and it was enormously helpful in healing. I didn't go into details. I basically said, I need you know I was molested over this period of time, but I don't want to discuss specifics, or talk about this in the future. And was surprised when she said that this explained a lot about my behavior at the time. In my case, it was enormously helpful to get the acknowledgement. If she had denied that it could have happened, though, it would have been tough to deal with. And we haven't talked about it since.

I think every abuse victim gets a lot of latitude in how, when and if they discuss the abuse. You need to make the decision that is right for you. Which may be different than the decision that is right for your brother. And I encourage you to talk to a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma before you do anything. Not just to deal with your feelings about the abuse and a plan to deal with your stepfather now-- although these are helpful. But also to work out what is right for you, and decide whether you can deal with the possibility your mother won't believe you.

I agree with the PP who said their baby is their baby forever. I'd believe my child, even if I couldn't imagine the person they named was capable of hurting them. They are my child, I am their parent. I guess part of my perspective comes from a family friend who, years after divorcing his wife, ended up abusing some foster kids. I couldn't believe it at first b.c. he was always kind and helpful and just the nicest guy. But he didn't contest the charges so he really did do the unthinkable. Turns out he has been abused too as a child, and grown up on foster care (also things I would never have imagined).

OP, I think making sure that your brother knows he has a right to disclose (and you have a right not to) is the best way to handle a bad situation and respect both of you.

I understand why you don't want to disclose. I have not disclosed abuse to my mother because I know it would shatter her worldview, I suspect she would downplay it and outright doubt me, and I just don't want to open myself up to that kind of vulnerability.

Anonymous wrote:You are still protecting your mother from the knowledge that her husband abused her children. This is why secrets are kept because no one wants others to feel uncomfortable by rocking the boat.

It's too late now for this revelation to help OP or her brother. It will only harm her mom.

Our is in her late 60s not terrible health for her age. I do think she has some mental health issues that have never been with and issues from her childhood. She considers y stepdad to be the best thing to have happened to her. I don't think my brother would be believed for that reason alone or she would want us to forget because he's so I'll now. Strongly believe sister was not abused. I'm not stopping my brother from saying anything. I'll support him if he does choose to tell our mom, but I'd rather just leave the past in the past. I'm not excusing him or forgiving him it's just not a road I want to revisit .