Thanks PPs.
I slept at night, woke up just once. Might eat today, was hungry yesterday. Tears are drying up.

Friday and weekend though are still heavy on my heart. His decline was inevitable, his dying bloodwork showed stage 4 kidney failure as well.
Atleast my trauma would have been avoided if I had given enough time and thought to proritize correctly.
Now I cant trust myself anymore to proritize or make sound decisions. This is what hurts the most. For 3 continuous days I was making a series of progressively worse decisions for him and subjecting myself to self inflicted pain.

Any recommendations for grief counselling?

Op, I kinda agree with pp about grief counseling. The "not eating" thing is a very common reaction to grief. Am I correct that this is your first big loss? None of us are perfect. It's easy to look back and think we should have done something differently. You did what you could at the time. Only hindsight makes the right course clear, but you had no way of knowing that. You need to forgive yourself and move forward.

Don't rush into getting another pet. Maybe find something on Etsy to help you memorialize your cat. Make an art project. You need to move forward op. You're being consumed by this, and you need to find a way to forgive yourself and go on.

OP, I think you need bereavement counseling, and I would go so far as to say that this is an emergency. You might even need some anxiety medication to get you through the coming days. There is no way for you to still your mind and this repetitive loop of agonizing thoughts when you are not eating or sleeping - it's creating a very vicious cycle and you will remain captive within it until you take the time to care for yourself.

Your pain and heartbreak are completely understandable and natural but your reaction to it is extreme and self-destructive. I'm wondering if it's bringing up an earlier loss or unresolved issues from prior years/childhood.

Regardless, I think you are hoping to hear the magic words from us that will still your mind and give you peace, but I don't know that those words exist. You spoke with your vet's office for a long time and received unanimous reassurance here but still went back to that obsessive loop about somehow being at fault and causing your pet to suffer.

it's not your fault, OP. You didn't do anything wrong or unforgivable. That is crystal clear to everyone who replied to this thread, your husband, the vet and staff. You did the best you could. It was a very complicated situation and you just didn't know what was happening, and that's okay. Let yourself feel all these feelings and forgive yourself. You are human.

Grief counseling, OP. Wishing you comfort and peace.

OP again, the responses on this thread is comforting, so I will keep rambling on. (My DH can only take it so much).

I think I am now regretting mainly the two ER visits and inaction on Sat, listening to aggressive cat forums online.
I think death was inevitable, but I could have handled it better.

I have been spoiled in life, I make a mistake, try again, try harder and turnaround things. There is no way for me to set right the mistake of taking him to ER on Friday and Sunday. He should have died in my husband's arms on Monday, 02/29, we would have looked forward to leap years to remember him, the whole leap year would have been a remembrance for him.

His aim in life was to make me happy, I dont know if I made him happy, but in his death he broke my heart. Should I get another older 10+ years pet so his death can be meaningful to give life for another older animal who would otherwise be euthanized in the shelter? I have another 11 yr old cat with heart disease so I dont want to stress her with an adjustment, my DH does not want anymore cats, and neither did I since I have a full time job/kid+baby/cat allergies/smaller house, but my boy's death is making me do something to set it straight?

I have read and been told by my vet that this is the wrong thing to do, trying to replace a pet in rush of emotions. How long should I wait?

How did you guys cope and move on? Volunteering in shelters, donating money, adopting new ones, fostering?

Cannot eat today either (fifth day) and taking third day off from work. Work makes me more guilty since I really should have taken time off on Friday and focused on him.

I dont believe in an afterlife, or the rainbow bridge, so how do I make his death meaningful?

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just picked up my 18-year-old cat who hates to be picked up. She pees blood sometimes (cystitis) and sleeps about 23 hours a day. She's always weighed about 9 lbs.

She weighs nothing now. Nothing. Like a feather. I was shocked. She looks the same. I think. She's so grumpy, we rarely even pet her.

She is not well. I know how you feel.

Thanks, i hope your cat feels better soon Cherish your time with her. I wish I had.

OP, I just picked up my 18-year-old cat who hates to be picked up. She pees blood sometimes (cystitis) and sleeps about 23 hours a day. She's always weighed about 9 lbs.

She weighs nothing now. Nothing. Like a feather. I was shocked. She looks the same. I think. She's so grumpy, we rarely even pet her.

She is not well. I know how you feel.

OP here true, can always do more but atleast did something rather than nothing. I spoke to the vet and their practice manager for over two hours, they asssured me the outcome was inevitable.
I still think of the ways i could have handled this differently, maybe will heal with time. Thanks for everyone's kind words.

I still cannot bring myself to eat solid food yet, but i have lot of reserves. Maybe because my cat was unable to eat in his final days, but hopefully I will be able to tomorrow.

Hugs OP. Remember your cat had a good life. You did your best. Could you have done more? Probably. But you can always do more, and I'm not sure it would have helped.

But the important thing is that he had a good life, he had you, and he was happy. Keep reminding yourself that.

Please OP give yourself some compassion. You cat loved you and had a wonderful life. I spent thousands and thousand of dollars on my cat at the end of her life, and I wish that I hadn't. Not because of the money, but it was because I just refused to believe that she wouldn't suddenly recover and become my wonderful kitty again. It was time for him to go. It's ok. Don't stress yourself over the final details. Celebrate his life. My husband went out and got a shelf for pics of our cat, and we put up happy pics of us with our cat after she died. We went out to Great Falls and sprinkled her ashes over the river. It's sad, but it's part of the circle of life.

OP your mind is stuck in the less than 1% time frame. Do focus on all the many, many years of wonderful companionship you gave to each other. it is fate but many people lose their pet immediately back from vacation, or the animal takes ill being boarded etc. They beat themselves up but the outcome was not going to change.

OP here, I have been looking at some of his old pictures and realized that he was happy and loved and well fed and fat. I will put up those in my bedroom wall.
He was with me for 11 years, that is 4015 days, and even if he had spent Feb in pain, that is less than 1% of his time with me and he was still his happy self in Feb, though sometimes he would hide behind a box in the basement, which I now think was when he was in pain.
He wobbled, came across the room and rubbed his legs against me when we came back from ER on Fri evening, and never walked after that.

How I wish I had spent some long hours with him on Wed, Thu and Fri, when he was conscious, rather than running around. I hope he forgives my ignorance.

Anonymous wrote:When my indoor cat died at 22 years old, I was devastated. I got him when he was six weeks old, and he had been a significant part of my life. He was also older than my kids. While I sobbed and grieved over his death, my 14 year old at the time held me and said "it's okay mom. We know you loved him as much as you love us." That meant so much to me because people who don't understand the connection with pets and humans are incapable of understanding our grief.

Please don't load yourself with guilt. Grieve and do what you need to do to get through this, and I promise you will.

Here's a link that I think will help. Take care, my friend.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm

Thanks, yes he was my kid, which I now realize only after his death.

When my indoor cat died at 22 years old, I was devastated. I got him when he was six weeks old, and he had been a significant part of my life. He was also older than my kids. While I sobbed and grieved over his death, my 14 year old at the time held me and said "it's okay mom. We know you loved him as much as you love us." That meant so much to me because people who don't understand the connection with pets and humans are incapable of understanding our grief.

Please don't load yourself with guilt. Grieve and do what you need to do to get through this, and I promise you will.

Here's a link that I think will help. Take care, my friend.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm

Anonymous wrote:Op, he was 15. He was an old cat - his body was done and it was his time to pass on. You have to forgive yourself and let it go. Reviewing it over and over won't change the outcome.

Agreed, DH repeats this every few minutes, but my grieving heart refuses to move on. I can literally feel physical pain in my heart which is masking any hunger. For the first time in my life, this is my 4th day without food (literally 1 toast on sunday), I am doing fine with tea, but surprised that I could live so long without any hunger pangs.

I feel he was trying to tell me he is in hunger and pain and I ignored him.

I have asked the vet to see me today and explain his records from previous vet, current one as well as ER. Maybe I can get some answers, it has all been blurry with a lot of speculation and should haves. I hope she does.

Op, he was 15. He was an old cat - his body was done and it was his time to pass on. You have to forgive yourself and let it go. Reviewing it over and over won't change the outcome.