OP, last week I came home 3 evenings in a row to homecooked meals (no leftovers). My DH is a firefighter and works 70+hrs per week. Yet on his days off while I'm at work, he manages to get our kids from point a to point b, get projects done around the house while they are in school, pick up the ingredients, and make dinner for us. Often he makes enough food for us to have leftovers the next evening and him to take to the fire station the next day. He's even worked a 48hr shift, ran to his part time job as an adjunct instructor for 4hrs, then picked up the ingredients (and kids) and made a meal before I got home. Some nights he doesn't (totally ok and we figure it out) but many nights he makes us dinner when he is home. Not every dinner has to be a 5 star meal.

FWIW, I don't find what your DH is doing to be acceptable either.

Anonymous wrote:Listen. You married your husband and agreed for him to stay home so you can work and advance your career. He gave up his to support you in yours. He isn't your maid! He is your husband. Just because you earn the money you shouldn't undervalue the contribution he has made to allow you to have your career and get all the time during the day that you spend at the office away from the kids. You get adult time all day long. You are getting home at 9 at night. Why are you avoiding your children? Why aren't you getting home and helping him with the household work? He needs a break from the kids but it sounds like you even missed their bed time. He is holding all the family responsibilities while you are off doing what you want to for yourself all day long.

What? He has (I'm guessing) 6 hours a day kid free (I know, not as much as her) but the problem is he isn't doing BASIC home-keeping chores that OP has to do herself on top of working FT. If being a SAH is his job, he needs to do his job. This isn't about being a maid, but supporting the family. And it sounds as if he needs to do more. Not to say he can't ever relax, but Laundry! Groceries! Making the outside the house spouse dinner! on a regular basis.

I presume he doesn't have a college degree, correct? Maybe he can look into getting one.

Listen. You married your husband and agreed for him to stay home so you can work and advance your career. He gave up his to support you in yours. He isn't your maid! He is your husband. Just because you earn the money you shouldn't undervalue the contribution he has made to allow you to have your career and get all the time during the day that you spend at the office away from the kids. You get adult time all day long. You are getting home at 9 at night. Why are you avoiding your children? Why aren't you getting home and helping him with the household work? He needs a break from the kids but it sounds like you even missed their bed time. He is holding all the family responsibilities while you are off doing what you want to for yourself all day long.

Anonymous wrote:When my husband was a SAHD, we kept our housekeeper twenty hours a week. She did all of the laundry, cooking, etc. we paid her about $15k/yr, but it was cheaper than a divorce (and pretty close to the cost of marriage counseling if you factor in childcare).

My wife was a sahm and we did this as well. Honestly, the math is clear OP.

I was a SAHM until the youngest started K. DH works about 60 hours a week. Our mutually agreeable duty split was for DH to do lawn, home maintenance, set table, help with dishes and laundry. House cleaner 1x per week. My job was tidying, laundry, dishes, childcare, all cooking, grocery shopping, kid duties (camps, sports, classes, school applications).

Now I'm working part time again and the split is similar with DH doing more kid activities and occasional grocery shopping. I still cook every meal and would never leave him out!!!

In the middle of all this was some counseling that revealed I was trying to do everything and suffer in silence because i viewed him as being really stresses out about work. In the meantime, I resented feeling like a single mom and was prickly all the time. Being aware of that dynamic and working together on changing it was done WONDERS for our marriage. Can't recommend counseling highly enough - particularly in a situation like yours.

Good luck!

Is there any chance he is depressed? I had a hard time getting a job out of grad school and was a stay at home wife for periods of time between temp jobs, and I basically did nothing. I laid on the couch and ate and slept all day. Looking bad I was probably depressed, though I didn't know it at the time. Or did the younger kid just start preschool in Jan and this is the first time in 7 years he hasn't had kid duty all day and he is temporarily worn out?

I am now a SAHM to a preschooler and a baby and I do pretty much all the domestic work, or at least as much as I can get done. DH doesn't expect anything in particular, but the point of me staying home is so we can do more fun family things when he is not working.

Definitely have a talk with DH. Explain that you are growing resentful and that can only lead to one place. It may be better for your marriage if he goes back to work full time and you hire a nanny. Hopefully the dinner thing was just a one time brain lapse and not intentional.

No you are not!

I agree....When the kids were infants/toddlers they needed a lot of care and attention.
Now? Not so much.

While the kids are at school, he should be doing more productive things than what he is currently doing.

He can use his free time grocery shopping, COSTCO shopping, doing the wash as well as cleaning your home.

I personally think it was rude of him to not think about what you would eat for dinner that time.

Talk to him and let him know that he needs to do more on his end. If he doesn't get his act together stat then I would advise he goes to work full-time and you hire a babysitter.

You are not being unreasonable at all!!!!

Maybe marriage counseling would help if you've already tried talking to him calmly about his duties at home.

I've been a SAHM for 11 years just returned to work albeit part time. My duties have not changes in fact, I still get up with the kids make breakfast for everyone and dinner, do grocery shopping, errands clean , etc. My DH has a stressful job which requires traveling. I try to lighten his load as much as I can.

I could not live with myself if my DH came home from work and I didn't have anything made or ready for him to eat knowing he didn't have dinner.

You need to have an honest discussion with your DH to let him know how you are feeling. HE may not be aware

When my husband was a SAHD, we kept our housekeeper twenty hours a week. She did all of the laundry, cooking, etc. we paid her about $15k/yr, but it was cheaper than a divorce (and pretty close to the cost of marriage counseling if you factor in childcare).

The fact that he didn't prepare and leave anything for you tells me there are other factors at play beyond him not doing things around the house during the day.

Perhaps a few sessions of marriage counseling are in order.

I just don't understand how the sahp doesn't realize that he/she is responsible for doing all those things. I was a sahm for a couple of years and that's what I signed on for.

Sounds to me like your DH thinks he's got it made. He's the equivalent of the stereotype of a housewife eating bon bons all day, or going shopping, and doing lunch, and not much else.

Poor excuse for a husband and he's a bad example for the kids.

If you're going to stay home, you need to be the BEST SAH person you can be because it IS a job. A hard one.

A list ? Really ? I never needed a list. You have to earn your keep. Playing all day is not earning anything but a boot out the door.

My husband would never be like that.

He needs to run all errands and do grocery shopping and cleaning/laundry/car stuff/outside chores. That doesn't mean you never stop by the store on your way home to pick up milk or eat leftovers or a sandwich for dinner. You need to talk to him. His job is the home stuff