OP -- First, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I experienced something very similar and was devastated. So I know what you're going through. I discovered that my husband had had an online affair that lasted for months. I was also aware that he occasionally watched porn, which bugged me, but I didn't make a huge deal about it. However, the online relationship was, for me, a real betrayal. We, too, had had issues for which we sought counseling. Some of our issues stemmed from his struggles with alcohol, specifically binge drinking to deal with the stress of working for a pressure-cooker law firm. He claimed that he started this online affair during a low point while drinking. He has been sober for about two years, but I continue to worry about what he's doing online. We have two kids, and I am a sahm. I have contemplated divorce more times than I can count; but I feel paralyzed when I try and visualize what that would all look like. Hang in there. My advice would be to get your own therapist, rather than couples counseling. I started meeting with a therapist about 4 months ago, and my time with her has become a very important outlet for me. Best of luck.

If he's doing that stuff, he apparently has too much time on his hands.

Yet he doesn't have enough time for you, probably not the kids either if he falls asleep on the couch.

This guy has problems.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. We do have problems and saw a therapist 4 times. He did not want to follow through with advice/exercises so nothing came out of counseling. Cannot remember last time we had sex because I am in bed by 11 and he goes to bed around 2-3 am, most nights falling asleep in front of the TV on the couch. I have initiated and made overtures but he is rarely interested. We have discussed lack of intimacy many times. There is no resolution in sight. He sees intimacy as work and a hassle. I think he is escaping into virtual reality because it is easier. Most problems in our marriage stem from his incredible laziness and my short fuse and tolerance for said laziness. Despite problems I never contemplated a divorce because we have kids, in general get along well, and have built a comfortable life together. Honestly, if he had a physical affair I would be more likely to sort out my feelings however with this chat business I just feel gross and can't get past the disgust to sort out how I feel about this.

If he had an affair I hope you are prepared to leave. That means he isn't attracted to you but other people. Sometimes we marry the wrong people, you may realize down the road it's better to leave and find someone else. I see so many women trying to fix broken spouses or change them. They spend years of unhappiness when they could have gotten out so much sooner. Believe me there are other people in the world who are more stable.

Even so if you end up miserable or he is - it's not good for your kids. He does sound lazy, and seems to have checked himself out of your marriage.

This is OP. We do have problems and saw a therapist 4 times. He did not want to follow through with advice/exercises so nothing came out of counseling. Cannot remember last time we had sex because I am in bed by 11 and he goes to bed around 2-3 am, most nights falling asleep in front of the TV on the couch. I have initiated and made overtures but he is rarely interested. We have discussed lack of intimacy many times. There is no resolution in sight. He sees intimacy as work and a hassle. I think he is escaping into virtual reality because it is easier. Most problems in our marriage stem from his incredible laziness and my short fuse and tolerance for said laziness. Despite problems I never contemplated a divorce because we have kids, in general get along well, and have built a comfortable life together.

OP, real talk time: You don't "get along well". Not in general, not on important areas of your life specifically. Your life together isn't "comfortable". Your life sounds like a charred hellscape to anyone with a healthy, happy, functional marriage.

You are lying to yourself if you think this is 'mostly okay' or '80% of the way to good' or whatever. Your marriage is in extreme duress. Either your husband is going to be interested in saving it or he isn't, but you need to make it clear that you may be ending up at the point where divorce feels real, or where if you didn't have kids it would feel like an obvious choice.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh left his laptop on and open overnight and I saw that he participated in a sex chat with (I assume) a woman. Nothing freaky regular BJ and HJ type of fantasies. I am obviously very hurt. I know he looks at porn, he does not make a secret out of it. But participating in a chat is taken it to a whole new level. I printed out some screenshots but have not confronted him yet. There are other issues in the marriage that we are workin on, but now I am so grossed out that I don't know if I will ever move pass this. Anyone BTDT? Is chatting the new cheating? Or am I making a big deal out of it, and chatting is the 21st century porn?

If it's paid camgirl stuff, then it's basically just live action porn, no big deal.

If it's a random human being who's not being paid, that's something you need to talk over with him as it's potentially serious.

Nobody can tell you what is or isn't cheating. And the label 'cheating' may not even be helpful, because nobody likes to think of themselves as a 'cheater' in a grey zone unless they've got a straight up affair partner.

But you can tell him it pisses you off and grosses you out and you don't like it and it indicates that you sure as hell need to be communicating better about what you want from each other sexually.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh left his laptop on and open overnight and I saw that he participated in a sex chat with (I assume) a woman. Nothing freaky regular BJ and HJ type of fantasies. I am obviously very hurt. I know he looks at porn, he does not make a secret out of it. But participating in a chat is taken it to a whole new level. I printed out some screenshots but have not confronted him yet. There are other issues in the marriage that we are workin on, but now I am so grossed out that I don't know if I will ever move pass this. Anyone BTDT? Is chatting the new cheating? Or am I making a big deal out of it, and chatting is the 21st century porn?

Yeah I would be grossed out and alarmed as well. Let him know you find it creepy as well. I don't know if you have kids, but is that something he wants his kids to be exposed to....

Tell him to use better judgement and not go to those sites, and that you find it disappointing. I would leave it at that, no argument and watch him closely.

Go from there.

What other problems are there? These may be red flags as well to his personality flaws. Don't ignore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op did you offer to fulfill his bj fantasies? Let me guess....

Hell no! Why would she? As a reward for cheating?

Men really are delusional.

Yes she stop the sex thing a long time ago. Just divorce him so he can find someone.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh left his laptop on and open overnight and I saw that he participated in a sex chat with (I assume) a woman. Nothing freaky regular BJ and HJ type of fantasies. I am obviously very hurt. I know he looks at porn, he does not make a secret out of it. But participating in a chat is taken it to a whole new level. I printed out some screenshots but have not confronted him yet. There are other issues in the marriage that we are workin on, but now I am so grossed out that I don't know if I will ever move pass this. Anyone BTDT? Is chatting the new cheating? Or am I making a big deal out of it, and chatting is the 21st century porn?

It is a dealbreaker if it is a dealbreaker for you. Sounds to me like this might be that special straw that belongs on that camel over there.

It doesn't have to be a precursor to an affair. I never did the online chatty chat chat.

OP set up your own chat account and see what happens

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that. I considered it cheating. He didn't. I said fine, let me find a guy online to get off with. See ya. That freaked him out enough that he actually listened to my side. I'm fine with porn. But not interactive with another live human.

Why would you be okay with porn when it is usually violent and degrading towards women?

Thats the best kind noe go make a baby or something.

Go cry into your fleshlight.

That's not how you're supposed to use it.

tears make the best lube

As far as I am concerned, he had a sexual encounter with another person. (Probably a woman, but you never know!) I would not be okay with this, especially if he refuses counseling.

This is OP. We do have problems and saw a therapist 4 times. He did not want to follow through with advice/exercises so nothing came out of counseling. Cannot remember last time we had sex because I am in bed by 11 and he goes to bed around 2-3 am, most nights falling asleep in front of the TV on the couch. I have initiated and made overtures but he is rarely interested. We have discussed lack of intimacy many times. There is no resolution in sight. He sees intimacy as work and a hassle. I think he is escaping into virtual reality because it is easier. Most problems in our marriage stem from his incredible laziness and my short fuse and tolerance for said laziness. Despite problems I never contemplated a divorce because we have kids, in general get along well, and have built a comfortable life together. Honestly, if he had a physical affair I would be more likely to sort out my feelings however with this chat business I just feel gross and can't get past the disgust to sort out how I feel about this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that. I considered it cheating. He didn't. I said fine, let me find a guy online to get off with. See ya. That freaked him out enough that he actually listened to my side. I'm fine with porn. But not interactive with another live human.

Why would you be okay with porn when it is usually violent and degrading towards women?

Thats the best kind noe go make a baby or something.

Go cry into your fleshlight.

That's not how you're supposed to use it.

Well I'm sure the fleshlight will be grateful for the change...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that. I considered it cheating. He didn't. I said fine, let me find a guy online to get off with. See ya. That freaked him out enough that he actually listened to my side. I'm fine with porn. But not interactive with another live human.

Why would you be okay with porn when it is usually violent and degrading towards women?

Thats the best kind noe go make a baby or something.

Go cry into your fleshlight.

That's not how you're supposed to use it.