Hugs, OP. I hope you can use her current pregnancy as a lever to get formal custody of your nephew. He really needs your love and stablilty.

OP - I see your posts from time to time.

I do hope you are choosing a DC message board because you live far from here. If you really are local, please note:

You are slowly revealing a bit too much information about you situation for it to stay anonymous. This is your nephew's story to tell, and not yours. Please remember that.

It is no small thing you have done, taking in a child. I wish you and your family the best.

If you have a custody lawyer, call him or her first thing tomorrow. If you don't, get one ASAP -- someone experienced in complicated custody issues. Expensive, but worth it. If you and your husband can get full custody of the boy, even get her to surrender parental rights, it would do him a world of good and end any chance of back-and-forth over where he belongs. Please don't wait. He's at a tough age where he could go either way -- do better and better and really blossom out of her shadow, or get sucked into his mom's selfishness and end up back with her, treated as nothing but baby's big brother who is expected to babysit. Total recipe for disaster in terms of a teen acting out.

I hope that SIL's mention of discussing custody means "I want to be sure you keep Son with you so I can enjoy my wanted baby" and does not mean "I think I want Son back to play 'happy family' with him when baby comes." OP, I feel horrible for this teen and for you and your husband. I hope you can get some good legal advice and a strong case for keeping this boy with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. I've seen your posts before. I've got a similar situation (although my nephew isn't living with me), where my sibling is the one being neglectful and verbally abusive to his kid. It just breaks your heart how clueless and uncaring the dumb parents are. Stay strong. Your nephew is really lucky to have you.

It's terrible and i'm sorry to hear about your nephew. I just don't understand how you can decide you don't want your child. Your own child, and act like he has no feelings, and at the same time go off and start another family. I just don't get it.

I don't even know how to tell him.

You don't have to understand this. This is just how some people are. You can't change your nephew's mother. But you can keep on doing the right thing for your nephew. Strength and resilience to all of you.

Best wishes to you, OP. Accept this woman sucks. Do right by your nephew. He is really blessed to have you in his life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. I've seen your posts before. I've got a similar situation (although my nephew isn't living with me), where my sibling is the one being neglectful and verbally abusive to his kid. It just breaks your heart how clueless and uncaring the dumb parents are. Stay strong. Your nephew is really lucky to have you.

It's terrible and i'm sorry to hear about your nephew. I just don't understand how you can decide you don't want your child. Your own child, and act like he has no feelings, and at the same time go off and start another family. I just don't get it.

I don't even know how to tell him.

You don't have to understand this. This is just how some people are. You can't change your nephew's mother. But you can keep on doing the right thing for your nephew. Strength and resilience to all of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. As a social worker, I saw this scenario all the time. You are doing a good thing for your nephew. But you aren't going to change his mother, regardless of what you say. I disagree with the PP who says speak up. Nothing good will come of it and there are certainly risks that you may not want to take, like the risk of having her remove her son from your care. Your nephew needs you and it would be a bad idea to jeopardize that.

Also, I can't see anything good coming from trying to force someone who does not want a kid, even their own kid, to care for that kid. More than ten years ago, I had a kid move in with me because his family didn't want him. That kid has grown up to an amazing young man, who holds a job, goes to school and is getting ready to become an adult. I can't imagine what would have become of him if he was forced to stay with people who didn't want him.

I don't know what's wrong with her. Like back when she was married to my BIL before he died and even after he passed she seemed like a decent mother. He's been with us with July and has been wish washy with interracting with him since then. He's a wonderful kid this just breaks my heart.

You will never figure this out or understand it. The way I came to peace for my son was to really embrace in my heart that we are best for him. We want him and we love him. We put our heart and soul into his (and out other kids') success. Nothing good would have come from making my son's family take care of him when they no longer wanted him. I never even try to understand because I can't fathom leaving your child.

Anonymous wrote:I assume your husband is her brother. He needs to step up to her and tell her she is a deadbeat mother to her son, and tell her exactly how you demand her to sign this custody agreement now. Your husband needs to handle this. And are their parents still alive? If so, they need to step up as well for their grandson.

OP's nephew is the son of her husband's brother (deceased) and SIL. SIL is a deadbeat, but not a blood relation, and she's shown over and over that she doesn't care what anyone thinks or what effect her actions have.

I assume your husband is her brother. He needs to step up to her and tell her she is a deadbeat mother to her son, and tell her exactly how you demand her to sign this custody agreement now. Your husband needs to handle this. And are their parents still alive? If so, they need to step up as well for their grandson.