Anonymous wrote:I would have an affair if there were kids involved or divorce if there weren't.

Truth be told, most people have no idea what it feels like to be sexually cut off from their spouse, so they wax poetically about cheating being the ultimate sin. Much like a pro-life person who then changes their tune when their daughter shows up pregnant from the high school drop out.

This is why all cheaters are selfish jerks. I don't know what its like to be cut off from my partner sexually. I can imagine it really sucks. However, its crystal clear that no one would like to be promised monogamy, especially after turning down an open relationship, only to find out their partner was lying and doing it anyway.

Its the same in any other context: "Please don't take the 100,000 we have in our saving and spend on yourself without discussing it with me."
"I won't, hun." They take the money anyway. Can you not see how wrong it is to take the money because it was agreed that it wouldn't be taken? Who wouldn't be hurt/furious in this situation? Its the same with physical cheating.

This is why you work to improve the situation. If it doesn't within a particular time frame, you ask for an open relationship. If not granted, you divorce. Its that simple. Not easy, but simple. The entitled assholes of the world don't see it that way because they want the best of both worlds. Theirworlds. Not their partner's, of course.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yes, he's made it clear open marriage would not be ok. it feels stuck in a corner when he can't / won't have sex, isn't open to me fulfilling that elsewhere, and desperately wants to stay married.

i want to stay married also but not retire my sex life at the ripe old age of 31 which he has unilaterally done

He has made it clear to you what is not okay (an open marriage), and now you need to make it clear to him that sex 4x/year is not okay with you. I agree with PP, an affair is not justifiable. If you respect him and yourself, don't be dishonest and have an affair.

Anonymous wrote:And if your highly anxious spouse somehow finds out about your affair, what will that do to his anxiety? An affair is extremely painful for the cheated on spouse. Divorce would be kinder.

Exactly. OP, have you thought about this?

No way out. Every option sucks and will irritate you. It's called life.

OP, I agree that while your husband is better off with you, you don't really sound like you're better off with him. Have you talked to a therapist about codependent dynamics?

I think it's reasonable to want sex more than four times a year. And when you have sex, it's reasonable that it not be fast and all about him. What's stopping him from wanting to please you and satisfy you? Is he selfish and self-absorbed? Why won't he use hands, mouth, toys, etc and give you the love and attention you need, when you need it? Why do you feel you have to do things his way, pleasing him, doing whatever it takes to make him feel better and less anxious? Should your life with him be all about doing whatever it takes to not cause him anxiety? You're in a tough spot, and I think you're going to regret sacrificing yourself to the anti-anxiety gods.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

Oh fuck right off with all this rationalization bullshit. YOU are better off staying married so you can scratch the itch but don't have to deal with a divorce and losing him "making your life better" while you screw another man on the side behind his back.

It's fundamentally dishonest and hateful for you to pursue a life-long affair rather than divorce him. Either work with him to improve things or divorce him. You are disgusting for justifying your interest in an affair by saying it's good for you both. It would obviously destroy him to find out, so you either woman up and divorce him or woman up and have a honest conversation about how much sex means to you and how you need to find a better solution together.

And if your highly anxious spouse somehow finds out about your affair, what will that do to his anxiety? An affair is extremely painful for the cheated on spouse. Divorce would be kinder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

You are not fooling yourself. Your husband is better off with your love and support than without it. You are going to become more bitter and resentful if you don't find an outlet for your reasonable sexual needs. While in a perfect world, your husband would grant you a don't ask don't tell policy, he understandably can't. Go be the best wife you can be and go get your needs met discreetly. It is the best of a bad situation.

Your husband is better off with your love and support ... but I don't think you are better off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

You are not fooling yourself. Your husband is better off with your love and support than without it. You are going to become more bitter and resentful if you don't find an outlet for your reasonable sexual needs. While in a perfect world, your husband would grant you a don't ask don't tell policy, he understandably can't. Go be the best wife you can be and go get your needs met discreetly. It is the best of a bad situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

Your therapist sounds dumb.

I would have an affair if there were kids involved or divorce if there weren't.

Truth be told, most people have no idea what it feels like to be sexually cut off from their spouse, so they wax poetically about cheating being the ultimate sin. Much like a pro-life person who then changes their tune when their daughter shows up pregnant from the high school drop out.

OP, I'm a DW in a similar deal. I haven't strayed,, yet. But, marriage and forced celibacy do not go hand in hand. Don't divorce him. But do find an outlet for your sexual needs to be met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.

So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.

I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.

but when its dh you can't just suck it up and do it - he has to physically be into it.

when you say greatly diminished - how frequently is that for you?

Not really. PIV sex isn't the only option for satisfying his wife.

the last thing a woman wants is a guy thats not into it at all going down on her - its awful for all involved