Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:25
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op I get what you mean.
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)
The baby is 5 WEEKS old, not 5 days old. Yet it is too much for OP to allow one visit per week from her in-town relatives, and she's still using a C-section as an excuse.
It's been 5 week of them hounding OP for visits, not helping and making her feel badly after she was in the hospital for almost a week post birth. I had an awful time with a Csection and was still in pain and exhausted after a month of dealing with infection, surgical pain, bladder spasms on top of round the clock nursing of a newborn. It can be very difficult and exhausting.
There is no other major surgery where the patient is required to take care of a newborn. Trying sending a GI resection patient a baby to take care of on top of their intestinal repair surgery and host visits and let me know how many unhelpful visitors are ok and when.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:23
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op I get what you mean.
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)
Hell, I don't want George Clooney to visit once a week. Some people don't like frequent visitors, and that's OK!!!!!
The baby is 5 WEEKS old, not 5 days old. Yet it is too much for OP to allow one visit per week from her in-town relatives, and she's still using a C-section as an excuse.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:23
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
It really sounds like OP may have some PPD/hormonal issues.
If she has always had a good relationship with the in laws, and now she thinks that these sam win laws, with other grandchildren, want to take her place...well, that sounds a little like hormones and paranoia.
Once some time has passes, I imagine OP will see things differently. There is more than one way to view the sitch.
MIL is being a help, bonding, and trying not to talk OP's tired ears off with inane chatter. It is once a week.
Seriously OP< please consider a PPD screening. Lots of red flags.
If she has always had a good relationship with the in laws, and now she thinks that these sam win laws, with other grandchildren, want to take her place...well, that sounds a little like hormones and paranoia.
Once some time has passes, I imagine OP will see things differently. There is more than one way to view the sitch.
MIL is being a help, bonding, and trying not to talk OP's tired ears off with inane chatter. It is once a week.
Seriously OP< please consider a PPD screening. Lots of red flags.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:20
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
OP, if you are overwhelmed, please get screened for PPD.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:19
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
^ and by taking the baby from you, j don't mean literally (except for that first week), I just mean people who want to take the baby from your arms, into another room to feed, want you to "rest", shower or go to the store, anything to get you away from the baby so they can have "their time."
Sorry for insinuating a baby kidnap situation!
Sorry for insinuating a baby kidnap situation!
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:19
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Anonymous wrote:Op I get what you mean.
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)
The baby is 5 WEEKS old, not 5 days old. Yet it is too much for OP to allow one visit per week from her in-town relatives, and she's still using a C-section as an excuse.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:17
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Op I get what you mean.
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:15
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Just lay it out on the table with them and tell them exactly what you want. You are the new mom and you get to decide.
I had a very similar experience with my MIL and actually ended up kicking her out of the house. She was well meaning but she caused me extreme stress and anxiety at a time I really didn't need it. I was desperate for some help and ended up just hiring a college age babysitter for a few hours a week. Best decision ever. MIL was making it all about her instead of helping me, and she had to go.
It's hard for people to understand what it is like to desperately need help, but be stuck with somebody who causes you more stress instead of helping.
I did not totally cut out MIL - after several weeks she started coming by again and we would visit her. I just needed those first weeks to be about me, and for that I don't apologize one bit.
The happy ending is that now MIL is a huge help and my 3 yr old adores her and we are happy to see her whenever she wants. This is the results of me setting boundaries -- reasonsble boundaries that never shut her out completely.
People who don't see why a new mom would prefer her own mother to help, or think it is some kind of competition, or create drama, need to be shut down. Be strong, be reasonable! Tell them they can come by once a week for 2 hrs (with SIL to get it all over with).
I had a very similar experience with my MIL and actually ended up kicking her out of the house. She was well meaning but she caused me extreme stress and anxiety at a time I really didn't need it. I was desperate for some help and ended up just hiring a college age babysitter for a few hours a week. Best decision ever. MIL was making it all about her instead of helping me, and she had to go.
It's hard for people to understand what it is like to desperately need help, but be stuck with somebody who causes you more stress instead of helping.
I did not totally cut out MIL - after several weeks she started coming by again and we would visit her. I just needed those first weeks to be about me, and for that I don't apologize one bit.
The happy ending is that now MIL is a huge help and my 3 yr old adores her and we are happy to see her whenever she wants. This is the results of me setting boundaries -- reasonsble boundaries that never shut her out completely.
People who don't see why a new mom would prefer her own mother to help, or think it is some kind of competition, or create drama, need to be shut down. Be strong, be reasonable! Tell them they can come by once a week for 2 hrs (with SIL to get it all over with).
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:12
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just take a nap when your nice in-laws come over. Or take the chance to go get a manicure or something. You seriously can't handle them coming over to visit 1 time a week for 1-2 hours, but you have no issue with your own mom coming? Horrible.
+1 my mil is staying with us for 6 months. I'm so grateful
Not about you or your preferences.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:11
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Will DH talk with them? It sounds like you need some space.
And when they are there, don't let you MIL take over. "No, Marge, I will feed her, thanks!"
Set visits up on your time frame. "We are just having some down time. Why don't you come for lunch on x date two weeks from now? The baby is usually awake then and we can order Chinese then I will put the baby down for a nap."
Etc. You and DH need to take the lead here.
And when they are there, don't let you MIL take over. "No, Marge, I will feed her, thanks!"
Set visits up on your time frame. "We are just having some down time. Why don't you come for lunch on x date two weeks from now? The baby is usually awake then and we can order Chinese then I will put the baby down for a nap."
Etc. You and DH need to take the lead here.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:10
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
OP - I recommend you get screened for PPD because i see some signs in your follow up post (e.g. you think the MIL wants to steal your baby or be the baby's mother).
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:00
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just take a nap when your nice in-laws come over. Or take the chance to go get a manicure or something. You seriously can't handle them coming over to visit 1 time a week for 1-2 hours, but you have no issue with your own mom coming? Horrible.
+1 my mil is staying with us for 6 months. I'm so grateful
Anonymous
02/15/2016 15:00
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
Anonymous wrote:They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.
But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.
NP. Shut it.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 14:58
Subject: New baby and in-laws (venting)
They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.
But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.
But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.
Anonymous
02/15/2016 14:56
Subject: Re:New baby and in-laws (venting)
Do you plan on having more children? Is your MIL good with the baby, but just annoying to you right now? I would go with the flow - when your kid gets older, you might want your (local!) MIL to babysit while you and DH go out. I would absolutely nurse the baby, give her to MIL to burp and settle, and sail out to take a long, leisurely shower. Have her visit, but do it on your terms. Do not push them away due to them being excited about your baby. Make it work for you. At some point, you WILL want a break.