My parents have never helped with my kids. They didn't come at their birth, they have never visited them in our home. They are older and after watching them with my kids at their houses I realized they are just NOT the grandparents to provide care. It made it easier to digest the problem - and realize that I needed to come up with a solution for our family that didn't involve them. Now my FIL and MIL claimed to be SO excited about grandkids, until we had them - they will come to visit and not lift a finger to help. Nor will they do anything that helps us out. Meaning, ok you don't want to watch or care for the kids but can you foodshop, do laundry - something? Anything? I'm madder at them because in essence they "promised" to help out and then come and make more work for us and get everyone stressed out - plus their unhelpful comments about our SN DS sends me thru the roof. SO we hire help - you pay someone the expectations are set, the boundaries are clear and I get the help that I need. We visit my family regularly but don't expect the grandparents to watch or care for the kids, my FIL and MIL are no longer invited to visit (my DH stands behind this as well). We meet as a family in a neutral location and for a very short duration. I guess what I'm saying is you need to get over the issue with your father, become self sufficient and set the boundaries and expectations with your family that work best for you. It will make you happier.

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

OP may be entitled to feel her feelings and ruminate about her family dynamics. But this stems from her entitlement to others' free labor. FWIW, my mother helped us immensely, much more than we asked for, and we are eternally grateful for that. Yet I don't get the feeling of entitlement displayed here. Seriously? You choose to overdrive your headlights by having three kids, but your mom is obligated to do your job? Ridiculous. Pay a sitter. If you can't afford a sitter, stop procreating for Pete's sake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Well, her sense of entitlement seems to be getting in the way of her having a happy life - it's worth pointing it out to her since she asked.

Please explain how anger stemming from parents leaving during a crisis is related to a sense of entitlement. Wanting to have a good relationship with one's own parents is not entitlement. What the hell are you talking about? This is seriously wrongminded and I've been on this forum for 10 years. This is beyond fucked up.

The entitlement comes from the expectation of two more months of help after her mother came and helped for two months. It is this anger that her mother was unable to do more rather that being grateful for receiving the help that was given. People posting that they had no help are giving the OP a reality check. She needs to figure out why she is angry.

Here is OP's post:


When my son was in the hospital for about 4 months, my mom came to help with my other 2 kids. She stayed about half the time, and I blamed her for leaving while we were still in terrible distress. It's been two years, and I'm not angry at her anymore. I still have stress with his medical problems. Problem is, I am still angry at my dad for telling her not to help us. I went to a therapist, but felt like I was paying for sympathy, so didn't want to return. Any advice?

I think you need to separate what's in the post vs. what's in your head.

"She stayed about half the time, an I blame her for leaving while we were still in terrible distress." Is EXACTLY what I was talking about. The OP felt entitled to have her mother stay and help for the entire time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Well, her sense of entitlement seems to be getting in the way of her having a happy life - it's worth pointing it out to her since she asked.

Please explain how anger stemming from parents leaving during a crisis is related to a sense of entitlement. Wanting to have a good relationship with one's own parents is not entitlement. What the hell are you talking about? This is seriously wrongminded and I've been on this forum for 10 years. This is beyond fucked up.

The entitlement comes from the expectation of two more months of help after her mother came and helped for two months. It is this anger that her mother was unable to do more rather that being grateful for receiving the help that was given. People posting that they had no help are giving the OP a reality check. She needs to figure out why she is angry.

Here is OP's post:


When my son was in the hospital for about 4 months, my mom came to help with my other 2 kids. She stayed about half the time, and I blamed her for leaving while we were still in terrible distress. It's been two years, and I'm not angry at her anymore. I still have stress with his medical problems. Problem is, I am still angry at my dad for telling her not to help us. I went to a therapist, but felt like I was paying for sympathy, so didn't want to return. Any advice?

I think you need to separate what's in the post vs. what's in your head.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Well, her sense of entitlement seems to be getting in the way of her having a happy life - it's worth pointing it out to her since she asked.

Please explain how anger stemming from parents leaving during a crisis is related to a sense of entitlement. Wanting to have a good relationship with one's own parents is not entitlement. What the hell are you talking about? This is seriously wrongminded and I've been on this forum for 10 years. This is beyond fucked up.

The entitlement comes from the expectation of two more months of help after her mother came and helped for two months. It is this anger that her mother was unable to do more rather that being grateful for receiving the help that was given. People posting that they had no help are giving the OP a reality check. She needs to figure out why she is angry.

Anonymous wrote:From the beginning, my dad told her not to help us. He eventually came to see her, ignored my kids as usual, was furious when she wouldn't come home, and he refused to come to the hospital to see us.

OP, I just wanted to reach out and say how hard this must have been. I have been there. If anything, your situation brought the dynamic between your mom and dad sharply into focus – namely, that he is very possessive of her and is used to her always being there to take care of him. My father was like this, and often jealous of anyone who took time from my mom – who is very nurturing – away from him.

I remember going to visit my parents once with my baby daughter and I stayed up late watching a movie with my mom in the living room which I hadn't done in years. We were laughing and having fun and he came downstairs and grumpily told my mother to come up with him to go to bed. And she went. I was flabbergasted because I had not been home in their environs for a long time (when they cane to visit us he didn't act up as much). One morning, I poured my father some coffee while my mom was in the laundry room and asked him how he took his coffee. Turned out he had no idea – she always made it for him. He also was very grumpy about grandchildren. In his mind, he had raised a kid and didn't want to be around any more, even though we never asked him to lift a finger with the children when he was around. Some people are just very selfish and self-centered. And they can't empathize, even when you have a sick child. To them, it's just not their problem.

It hurts, I know.

Anonymous wrote:Check your jealousy and anger at the door. If you can't relate to OP, fine. Stop being a scold.

You're right. It has no place on Special NEeds. I'm reporting it to Jeff.

My parents won't even "recognize" that DD has asperger's. They kept blowing off her diagnoses. I finally made them SIT down and watch Temple Grandin's movie. They didnd't want to understand.

Check your jealousy and anger at the door. If you can't relate to OP, fine. Stop being a scold.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Well, her sense of entitlement seems to be getting in the way of her having a happy life - it's worth pointing it out to her since she asked.

Please explain how anger stemming from parents leaving during a crisis is related to a sense of entitlement. Wanting to have a good relationship with one's own parents is not entitlement. What the hell are you talking about? This is seriously wrongminded and I've been on this forum for 10 years. This is beyond fucked up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Well, her sense of entitlement seems to be getting in the way of her having a happy life - it's worth pointing it out to her since she asked.

Anonymous wrote:Wow I got no help from my mom. I hire my help. They are paid.

Me neither. My mom made sure to 'go to the beach' for, oh, the first nine years of my SN son's life because it was too much for her.
She sent catty, directional, completely unhelpful and clueless comments along though!
Now that he's sweet and fun to be with here she is.
I don't hate her. I'm just happy for what I have now.

Entitled much?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Tone is very difficult to read. You may be reading a harsher tone than pp's intended. As a veteran of forums like this, I have learned that most posts coming me off as meaner than intended. Assume good intentions is a mantra that helps me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.

Lowering one's expectations is always appropriate. Having to deal with an angry tirade from someone whose parents don't provide enough help is not going to help anyone. We all could use more help. There's a difference between helping someone see the bright side and scourging them because they don't.

Anonymous wrote:You know, I don't think snarky/angry posts from people who don't receive any help from their parents are appropriate. OP is entitled to feel hurt by her own parents' conduct. These are her parents. She's discussing her family, her family's dynamic. It doesn't matter that other families go it alone. For pete's sake.

I think many were heartfelt an reality based. Sometimes we need to know how good we have it to appreciate what we have and that knowledge can help us get over our feelings. "It could be worse" is one of my favorite phrases. Setting lower an often more realistic expectations is one that I have also learned.