Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd keep offering her meals--if pride is getting in her way, can you tell her you're proud of her for working so hard but that you don't expect a kid her age to be earning her own keep? Or is there another way to help her get more food or money for food? There are always food banks, but if she's too embarrassed to eat with you so often, I can't imagine she'd be willing to go that route.

I love this!! I will ensure I say this to her, and I think I'm going to go a step further and tell her that she can eat anything in the house if I'm not home (to ask) and all her food is gone and she is hungry.

OP, I'd keep offering her meals--if pride is getting in her way, can you tell her you're proud of her for working so hard but that you don't expect a kid her age to be earning her own keep? Or is there another way to help her get more food or money for food? There are always food banks, but if she's too embarrassed to eat with you so often, I can't imagine she'd be willing to go that route.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are trying to eat really healthy, no carbs, etc. Our daughter is really angry that we're not purchasing junk food anymore. She basically refuses to eat what we are cooking and so, yes, she makes her own food a lot. Think mac and cheese. Not an ideal solution but it's pretty hard to force a 16 year old to clean their plate.

You're the crazy one. Your growing teen NEEDS a full nutritional meal, and that includes some carbs. Nobody's telling you how to eat (you may be obese and cutting carbs may be the only solution), but I'm sure your teenager is not in such dire straits. You are not being a good parent here. Shame on you!

Just wondering how one forces a sixteen year old to eat certain foods. A good parent can make good food, but how does one force someone this age to eat? Besides, all the research suggests that forcing children to eat certain foods just leads to food becoming a control issue, which is more likely to lead them to be anorectic, etc. . ..

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like there's a really unusual and complicated context you're not telling us about. It looks like you're trying to guide the discussion a certain way by leading people to believe that the situation is otherwise standard (think nuclear family living in a single-family home, with average kids and average parents) - but it doesn't seem like this is the case.

I'm really trying to keep the focus on my main question, which is why I'm not giving too much back story. I don't want this to derail. I just thought maybe this was something new that people do with their teens now, and wanted to know if I'm upset over nothing. I'm angry with the mom and sad for the teen. I love that child and I'm so proud that she is able to grocery shop for herself and is able to cook some pretty good meals (when she has groceries). The problem is she runs out of groceries and money (she only has a part-time job afterschool), and then starts to eat whatever scraps she finds. She actually started hiding the food from her mom, because mom would eat it all up. She does work at an eatery, so many nights she brings home the leftover food (mostly bread and yogurt). She gets free lunch and I know she goes to school early so she can have the breakfast. She told me she stopped eating the school lunch as much because it started to upset her stomach. Also, if I offer her meals too many times, I can tell her pride gets in the way, and she does decline.

Also, if I'm feeding the teen and the mom knows this, then she will definitely not even bother to try and cook. I feel like the mom would take advantage and I'm fed up with it. At the same time, I know if I don't feed the teen then she won't eat a balance meal. I already don't offer when the mom is there, because I don't want to offer her the meal. I'm already doing so much to keep her afloat, and I don't want to also feed the mom. I know I may sound like a horrible person, but I'm really trying to find a way to not be taken advantage of more than I already am. I keep telling her she needs to pay for her housing but she pays me very little or nothing at all and life continues.

I have to find a way to make sure the teen is eating properly. She is truly a wonderful girl!

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss the info re: age? 18 or 19? or younger?

She's 16.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I'm holding back details because I've discussed this situation before, and I was really just trying to understand what may be going on with her and if this behavior of no longer cooking for teens is normal. I've said something to her before and it hasn't made a difference. I'm frustrated and disgusted with her to the point that I barely speak to her. I say hello, but I have nothing else to say to her.

I bought all the food and cooked all the meals when they first moved in until the mom got on her feet, but after she found a job, I separated all of that. They have full access to the kitchen and rarely are we all in there at one time. I'm very conscious of the fact that we all need to cook, and since I'm usually the first one home, I normally have my DDs meal prepared before the mom comes home and she has the kitchen to herself.

New poster here. Reading this thread has made me appreciate what a nice and normal childhood I had, compared to OP's situation.

In response to your question above, I would say that NO, it is NOT normal to stop cooking for a teen.

It is flat-out bad parenting to stop cooking for a teen.

Teens need proper nutritious meals. I work full-time with 3 kids. DH and I place a huge priority on what we are feeding our kids. It's a huge effort, but it's important to do, and is part of being a decent parent.

We are not always able to eat together, but we try to do so as often as possible. Tons of research has shown the importance of family meals. Part of it is just in reducing obesity -- people eat less when they eat with others.

I hope that OP will step in and help by either pleading with the mom to be a decent parent, or perhaps cook for the girl herself (which it sounds like OP is doing.) My heart goes out to this teenage girl with such a negligent mom.

While I agree that teens need nutritious meals, I disagree that a parent needs to make them. My sister and I started cooking with help around 4 or 5, with supervision around 8 or 9, and by 11 we could make full meals (the only thing an adult needed to do was deal with the pans once they were full of hot food but were too heavy for us to move without slopping). I see no reason that a teen who has been taught to cook needs a parent to cook for them every night when the teen should be capable of trading off with everyone else in the household so that each person makes 1-2 meals per week.

With that said, this teen isn't eating healthy meals, she's having to provide her own groceries (I don't think learning to shop for herself is bad, but she shouldn't be required to purchase only what she can afford), and she doesn't seem to know how to cook. In that situation, she needs to be in the kitchen with OP every night, learning how to cook, and someone needs to step up to make sure that she's eating healthy food without needing to pay for it herself.

Can we have more backstory here. Your post is very vague

I would charge the mom additional $ to cover it but no way I would let the child buy her own groceries.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I'm holding back details because I've discussed this situation before, and I was really just trying to understand what may be going on with her and if this behavior of no longer cooking for teens is normal. I've said something to her before and it hasn't made a difference. I'm frustrated and disgusted with her to the point that I barely speak to her. I say hello, but I have nothing else to say to her.

I bought all the food and cooked all the meals when they first moved in until the mom got on her feet, but after she found a job, I separated all of that. They have full access to the kitchen and rarely are we all in there at one time. I'm very conscious of the fact that we all need to cook, and since I'm usually the first one home, I normally have my DDs meal prepared before the mom comes home and she has the kitchen to herself.

New poster here. Reading this thread has made me appreciate what a nice and normal childhood I had, compared to OP's situation.

In response to your question above, I would say that NO, it is NOT normal to stop cooking for a teen.

It is flat-out bad parenting to stop cooking for a teen.

Teens need proper nutritious meals. I work full-time with 3 kids. DH and I place a huge priority on what we are feeding our kids. It's a huge effort, but it's important to do, and is part of being a decent parent.

We are not always able to eat together, but we try to do so as often as possible. Tons of research has shown the importance of family meals. Part of it is just in reducing obesity -- people eat less when they eat with others.

I hope that OP will step in and help by either pleading with the mom to be a decent parent, or perhaps cook for the girl herself (which it sounds like OP is doing.) My heart goes out to this teenage girl with such a negligent mom.

OP, it seems like there's a really unusual and complicated context you're not telling us about. It looks like you're trying to guide the discussion a certain way by leading people to believe that the situation is otherwise standard (think nuclear family living in a single-family home, with average kids and average parents) - but it doesn't seem like this is the case.

OP, I don't think it is normal, or good, for a parent to just not cook meals and also not to provide food for her child. If she's ill or something, that's understandable. But no, it's not good. Can kids sometimes prepare their own meals? Yes, under their parent's supervision, of course -- or with gradual increase in responsibility. But a teenager being responsible for earning the money to go grocery shopping and then to be feeding her mom is NOT normal.

Did I miss the info re: age? 18 or 19? or younger?

Well it might be normal to them. My teen was giving me attitude about the lunch I was packing him. So, I told him he can pack his own lunch. He's mad but I'm teaching him a lesson, one that is appropriate in my opinion (I buy the groceries). And he is learning that it is work to keep our family running and he has to contribute. Other parents might choose to let their kids manage their own money or wash their own clothes - things I do for my son but others might use to teach independence or whatever. So, you might just have to them them parent the way they want or you can help in the way you want since they are living with you.

OP here. Yes, I'm holding back details because I've discussed this situation before, and I was really just trying to understand what may be going on with her and if this behavior of no longer cooking for teens is normal. I've said something to her before and it hasn't made a difference. I'm frustrated and disgusted with her to the point that I barely speak to her. I say hello, but I have nothing else to say to her.

I bought all the food and cooked all the meals when they first moved in until the mom got on her feet, but after she found a job, I separated all of that. They have full access to the kitchen and rarely are we all in there at one time. I'm very conscious of the fact that we all need to cook, and since I'm usually the first one home, I normally have my DDs meal prepared before the mom comes home and she has the kitchen to herself.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, cook enough that you can offer her some. It's very unusual for parents not to provide food for their teens--be a nurturing adult for her.

This.

OP, you kind of dropped on us that the mom and teen live with you. I think there's more that you're not introducing into the story and I'm not sure why you're holding back details.

Have you talked with the mom about this? Is it possible the girl has odd eating habits (as someone mentioned above) or, worse, the girl has an eating disorder and the mom was tired of dealing with it? Or is the mom, herself, perhaps depressed or having other emotional or mental health issues? Has the mom stopped doing any other everyday things that most people consider normal? (Lack of self-care is a key indicator of depression, OP.) Is the mom eating? Do you cook for the mom yourself?

It would help us to have more context but it sounds as if there is more going on than just "You have a job and therefore have money, so feed yourself." One or both of them has something else going on, but since they live with you--do you know what that something is, or not? I would at the very least ask. But if you're seeing a teen eating cookies for dinner- yes, be the adult her mom is not being, and offer some nutrition. She might also need a shoulder to lean on if her mom is not caring for her in other ways--?

Does the mom eat with you, even sometimes? Maybe they have a self-contained kitchen of their own within your house. I can't picture how this arrangement with meals is working.