This is a hypocritical facet of American culture. A good hostess puts out a plentiful display of food of food and a good guest makes her hostess happy. However, a "good" female does not eat a lot. This sets up dueling social conventions that are not possible for women to satisfy. We must be good hostesses and guests, yet as females we cannot eat more than a few tidbits. We cannot satisfy both notions.

Op here and to the posters saying how my own mom's views on food are messed up, believe me, I know. She's scary at an all you can eat buffet, I watch her eat with fear-and she's only 120lbs. I only mentioned that to highlight how different my environment was in comparison to my MIL's. And so it's very hard for me to decipher or understand my inlaws when it comes to food.

I'm also hopelessly dense in these types of situations where people don't say what they mean or say the opposite of they mean. Again, I grew up in an environment where everyone said exactly what they meant, and often that meant saying things with no filter, tact, or manners, at least within the family. I'm in awe and am envious of the posters who seem to just be able to automatically pick up what my inlaws meant by my post.

I never knew with my inlaws whether I was forcing food down their throats that they didn't want to eat but ate it anyway just to be polite... Or whether they were secretly starving and afraid to ask for food and all the while thinking how horrid of a host I was. Maybe it's not my problem, but nevertheless it made me frustrated to never know one way or the other.

When I ask them if they want lunch, they say "no we're fine, we don't eat much, we don't usually eat lunch or breakfast". But at their house it's totally the opposite. They make eggs, sausage, a fruit salad, and pancakes for breakfast. And then make wraps, various heated up leftovers, more fruit for lunch. I'm the afternoon they are constantly offering us snacks. And then dinner, they either treat us out to a restaurant where they order 5 appetizers on top of our entrees, and then we go back home where they pull out 2 pies, 2 cakes, 3 varieties of ice cream, 5 varieties of homemade cookies, and coffee, OR they cook a similar elaborate 4 course meal.

But what the pps said makes sense to me and I'm thankful for that perspective and also the helpful suggestions. I think it's a combination of them wanting to be polite and not put me out, and also harboring some kind of shame tied to eating. It's hard for me to get that.

My In-laws are totally weird/annoying about food. MIL eats only about 10 foods and eats every 2-3 hours. And she is tiny. And then she talks about how she eats all the time and is tiny. It's annoying. Her husband is always doing some sort of diet and if you ask him if he's hungry he always says no, then eats anyway like 10 minutes later. Going out to eat is a nightmare with substitutions, special orders, etc. I used to get so stressed out by it and I finally started just buying the 10 foods MIL eats when she comes and having them ready and a few things I know FIL likes, and telling them to help themselves. I make no more discussions about food, meals etc. Going out is still embarrassing but we deal with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

Your mom almost solely judging people on how well they eat is every bit as messed up as your MIL's views on food.

WRONG. And harsh. Some people have a healthy relationship with food, are a healthy weight, and take care of themselves.

The extreme of focusing on food too much *OR* too little is a serious problem. Weighing yourself all the time, being sure to see how little you can eat, or how much you can eat, among other eating traits - yes, those are problems.

My family celebrates with food as part of the celebration. It is not only done in a healthy way, but we have traditions and culture we are proud of, for generations to come. There are no negative connotations, because we handle it in a healthy manner. It can be done.

MIL not buying or supplying enough food, but inviting more and more people - that's a problem. We have taken it upon ourselves to try to fill the gaps as best we can, and bring more and more food, so we don't all end up meeting each other at McDonalds (only place that seems open on major holidays, unfortunately) after dinner. That absolutely sucks. PP here.

Nope, sorry. Some people truly are very thin and don't eat as much as others by nature. And judging someone "almost solely by what they eat" is unhealthy and absurd. If you notice what someone else eats or weighs, and observe them that closely, you have issues.

PP here. I don't judge someone "solely on what they eat". I think you are either hypersensitive about food, or misinterpreting what I said. I also don't "observe anyone that closely". Where did you get that idea? Again, it seems you are either hypersensitive about food, or misinterpreting what I said.

I get it, some people have food aversions and other food issues. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

I happen to be thin, so is my family. Dh's family is not fat, but I don't know that one would call them thin.

Do you realize that some people have control issues, and this interferes with how they view food? That is a very important aspect of eating disorders.

I suppose because my ILs (in my case) are on the judgmental side, to begin with, their not providing enough food, yet inviting more and more people (and keeping the food amount the same as if half the amount of people) is especially obvious. Not just to me, but to everyone invited. But I understand that you want to make this about me, somehow.

I think that inviting people, only to have them run into each other at McDonald's immediately after the holiday meal, is depressing, in and of itself. Do you think that is normal?

Yes, people are different. Accepting that some people eat more than others is part of that. It is part of being a grown up - experiencing differences, and not taking them as a personal affront.

Read. I responded to a comment by OP. You responded to my comment. I clarified my stance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

Your mom almost solely judging people on how well they eat is every bit as messed up as your MIL's views on food.

WRONG. And harsh. Some people have a healthy relationship with food, are a healthy weight, and take care of themselves.

The extreme of focusing on food too much *OR* too little is a serious problem. Weighing yourself all the time, being sure to see how little you can eat, or how much you can eat, among other eating traits - yes, those are problems.

My family celebrates with food as part of the celebration. It is not only done in a healthy way, but we have traditions and culture we are proud of, for generations to come. There are no negative connotations, because we handle it in a healthy manner. It can be done.

MIL not buying or supplying enough food, but inviting more and more people - that's a problem. We have taken it upon ourselves to try to fill the gaps as best we can, and bring more and more food, so we don't all end up meeting each other at McDonalds (only place that seems open on major holidays, unfortunately) after dinner. That absolutely sucks. PP here.

Nope, sorry. Some people truly are very thin and don't eat as much as others by nature. And judging someone "almost solely by what they eat" is unhealthy and absurd. If you notice what someone else eats or weighs, and observe them that closely, you have issues.

PP here. I don't judge someone "solely on what they eat". I think you are either hypersensitive about food, or misinterpreting what I said. I also don't "observe anyone that closely". Where did you get that idea? Again, it seems you are either hypersensitive about food, or misinterpreting what I said.

I get it, some people have food aversions and other food issues. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

I happen to be thin, so is my family. Dh's family is not fat, but I don't know that one would call them thin.

Do you realize that some people have control issues, and this interferes with how they view food? That is a very important aspect of eating disorders.

I suppose because my ILs (in my case) are on the judgmental side, to begin with, their not providing enough food, yet inviting more and more people (and keeping the food amount the same as if half the amount of people) is especially obvious. Not just to me, but to everyone invited. But I understand that you want to make this about me, somehow.

I think that inviting people, only to have them run into each other at McDonald's immediately after the holiday meal, is depressing, in and of itself. Do you think that is normal?

Yes, people are different. Accepting that some people eat more than others is part of that. It is part of being a grown up - experiencing differences, and not taking them as a personal affront.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

Your mom almost solely judging people on how well they eat is every bit as messed up as your MIL's views on food.

WRONG. And harsh. Some people have a healthy relationship with food, are a healthy weight, and take care of themselves.

The extreme of focusing on food too much *OR* too little is a serious problem. Weighing yourself all the time, being sure to see how little you can eat, or how much you can eat, among other eating traits - yes, those are problems.

My family celebrates with food as part of the celebration. It is not only done in a healthy way, but we have traditions and culture we are proud of, for generations to come. There are no negative connotations, because we handle it in a healthy manner. It can be done.

MIL not buying or supplying enough food, but inviting more and more people - that's a problem. We have taken it upon ourselves to try to fill the gaps as best we can, and bring more and more food, so we don't all end up meeting each other at McDonalds (only place that seems open on major holidays, unfortunately) after dinner. That absolutely sucks. PP here.

Nope, sorry. Some people truly are very thin and don't eat as much as others by nature. And judging someone "almost solely by what they eat" is unhealthy and absurd. If you notice what someone else eats or weighs, and observe them that closely, you have issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

Your mom almost solely judging people on how well they eat is every bit as messed up as your MIL's views on food.

WRONG. And harsh. Some people have a healthy relationship with food, are a healthy weight, and take care of themselves.

The extreme of focusing on food too much *OR* too little is a serious problem. Weighing yourself all the time, being sure to see how little you can eat, or how much you can eat, among other eating traits - yes, those are problems.

My family celebrates with food as part of the celebration. It is not only done in a healthy way, but we have traditions and culture we are proud of, for generations to come. There are no negative connotations, because we handle it in a healthy manner. It can be done.

MIL not buying or supplying enough food, but inviting more and more people - that's a problem. We have taken it upon ourselves to try to fill the gaps as best we can, and bring more and more food, so we don't all end up meeting each other at McDonalds (only place that seems open on major holidays, unfortunately) after dinner. That absolutely sucks. PP here.

My parents are hyper focused about food and weight. it drives me insane. They are ALWAYS commenting on others weight/body type and my mom is constantly saying how she is "being bad" when eating dessert or something and how she needs to clean up her act. all. the. time. Both of my parents are thin and in shape. My in laws, in particular my MIL is overweight and has related health issues. My mother in all her obtuseness will go on and on about how she needs to diet right in front of my MIL. I think if she was not my mother I would probably hate her.

Lots of cultural variation with food customs. I was raised to be no trouble, never ask for food, always say no if someone asks if I want anything. And yet others are raised to feel it's insulting if you don't accept food and drink from hosts, and that you're a terrible host if you don't push it on your guests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

Your mom almost solely judging people on how well they eat is every bit as messed up as your MIL's views on food.

Bingo. Hope you can see this, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're being weird because they're weird. Food is complicated for a lot of people. It's something you use to control, it's something that controls you, it's something you use to welcome guests, to feel welcomed as guests, etc. If you judge others by what they eat, you assume others are judging you on what you eat. It can go on and on.

I'd just consider it amusing and remove myself emotionally from it. It's a mystery not meant to be solved.

Best response ever.

+1

ITA, OP. My ILs are weird about food, also. My IL's come straight from depression era, and carries it with them. There is never enough food. The family has decided to pitch in during holidays, bringing food so that when MIL insists on hosting, there is no longer a free for all at the table. It was bad. During vacation, I always pack "back up food" for DC and DH, in addition to normal food, so that they won't be left without (DH attends without me, at my request).

To say food is one of many "elephants in the room" for the ILs is an understatement; as they would never talk about it, and certainly never address it. They are definitely ashamed of food, sadly. In my family, food is part of the celebration, so it is two extremes.

My advice is to do food your way when they are at your house, and don't expect anything from the IL's at their house. Bring your own, if you have to.

My ILs are also obsessed with food, not eating, other people's eating or not eating, and the weight of other people (strangers and family). My MIL pushes food on me constantly, but does not eat herself. She is 5'1", about 90 pounds. (She tells us this). I am 5'8" 145 pounds, I tower over her (plus I love to wear heels). She constantly watches and comments on what I eat, pushes more and more food on me if I don't have a lot. "Aren't you going to have that? Don't you want more of that?"

If she does decide to have something, esp dessert, she will say, "well I know [my name] will have some of this with me, ha ha ha!" Why, yes, I usually will, because I am healthy, fit and attractive, and I am not going to spend my one life starving myself and thinking about food most of my awake hours.

My dad has a lot of food issues too. He's supposed to be on a special diet for his heart condition, but he uses travel and guests as an excuse to cheat on the diet. He's very preoccupied with what he can and can't have (although he doesn't really adhere to it!) and brags about how thin he is. I try to be understanding-- it's really hard to be older and have medical problems and know that it's partly your own fault for bad food choices. That kind of emotional baggage around food leads to a lot of problems. But it is common for older people as they try to manage their health.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're being weird because they're weird. Food is complicated for a lot of people. It's something you use to control, it's something that controls you, it's something you use to welcome guests, to feel welcomed as guests, etc. If you judge others by what they eat, you assume others are judging you on what you eat. It can go on and on.

I'd just consider it amusing and remove myself emotionally from it. It's a mystery not meant to be solved.

Best response ever.

Truly.

Think of it as a ritual, not a real question, when she offers you food.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, you should continue to offer food when your in-laws visit, but maybe do it differently. My in laws are similar in some ways. Their response to "would you like lunch now" would be "I don't care, whatever you want." You can't get an affirmative out of them for pretty much anything. So I know their preferences from watching what and when they eat at home, and mimic that at our house. They like basic American food, in good quantities, at early hours. So thats what I dish up, and I just serve it. "Lunch is ready! Come to the table!" And then people are welcome to eat or not. But at my house, we eat regular meals at the table, so thats what I serve. If you mother in law eats plenty when it is laid out, she wants to eat. Her saying she isn't hungry is being (she thinks) polite.

My guess is that she is self concious/ashamed about wanting to eat and eating. She is trying to cover her own shame by discounting how much she eats. Try to just not engage in the food talk. Serve good food. Enjoy eating it together. Don't discuss it much.

Good post. I would add for OP: This also can be generational.

Some folks in older generations--depending on their upbringing, how readily food was available in their households as they grew up, and what was considered polite in the region where they were raised--just believe it's impolite to ASK for food or to express a preference when asked about it.

It is not weird or wrong, it's the way that their upbringing wired them, and they truly to their core would find it (a) polite to say "You eat like a bird" and (b) impolite, when asked, "Would you like to eat now?" to respond, "Heck, yeah, I'm hungry!" or even "Yes, please." That may be why your in-laws never give you a straight answer when you ask if they'd like to eat -- they are totally conditioned to respond to that question with "Whatever you want" types of answers because they do not want to appear to make work for you and were taught that they should not ask[i] things of a host but should wait until things are offered. In your case, that seems to mean they wait until you produce food.

I grew up with my grandmother in our home and a lot of exposure to older relatives and this was just how they acted and spoke. They honestly think that it's rude to say that they are hungry or to ask when the next meal's going to be, and they would not have dreamed of walking into someone else's kitchen themselves to get a snack when hungry. Yet they also would eye how much younger relatives ate and comment on how we should eat more of this or that. That was their way of showing concern. It actually was rather sweet, if a cause of eye-rolling among the younger family at times, but we took it as just the way the older folks were. It sounds controlling to our generation but it really isn't meant to be. And as others noted, food is an easy and ever-present topic for any conversation, any time, all day, everywhere....

Might it be easier for you to step back from the frustration with your in-laws if you can just say to yourself, this is how they are and it's not a fight worth having? Ask your husband if he's aware of any family stories about how money was tight when his parents were kids, or if they had issues getting the food they wanted when they wanted it. Or even in well-off families there can be a controlling breadwinner making the family account for everything spent on food. There can be lots of reasons behind this (including, where I grew up in the South, a culture where politeness and "I don't want to put you to any trouble" trump everything else). If you can let it roll off you as "Just their wiring and not something to try to change," or deputize husband to deal with meals while your parents are around, that might help you brush it off and stop thinking about it.