Anonymous wrote:i thought DH and I were going through a "rough patch", then i realized it was because we have a small child, stressful jobs, no family around, and no possibilities of a vacation/reprieve. thank you, DCUM for providing real prospective (cheating, lying, assholes spouses).

i read somewhere on here that no one should even consider divorce until all of their kids are over 5. this is accurate.

This is good advice. Moving to a new city, having twins and redefining my career sent us into a 12-18 month tailspin. I really thought we wouldn't make it. Some of the problem had to do with mis-matched expectations of co-parenting (i was raised by a very hands-on, involved father and my mom worked, DH was raised in a Leave it to Beaver household), which led to resentment. I don't know any marriages that have not been tested (to varying degrees) by the challenges of babies/young children.

Lots of talking, some yelling, some counseling, making sure we carved out some time for each other, all helped us find our equilibrium. It's important to note that that point of equilibrium needs to be reevaluated regularly. If job responsibilities change, as kids grow and enter into different stages, the balance can shift and expectations or roles/responsibilities need to adjust accordingly. We also have a great 'village' to lend a hand in the absence of family nearby. We all help each other out.

i thought DH and I were going through a "rough patch", then i realized it was because we have a small child, stressful jobs, no family around, and no possibilities of a vacation/reprieve. thank you, DCUM for providing real prospective (cheating, lying, assholes spouses).

i read somewhere on here that no one should even consider divorce until all of their kids are over 5. this is accurate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hard to tell, in a rough patch, if you truly love someone. I thought DH was the wrong guy for several years, but now we are very happy again. Don't underestimate how much your memories/narrative of the past are influenced by the conditions of the present.

Thank you for this. I have been feeling that way, and I know our current situation (babies, relocation) is clouding my thoughts.

+1. This comment is so useful and a good reminder. I'm hanging in there with this in mind, hoping I've rewritten history in my head because of anger/hurt/disappointment/sadness/hate/bitterness .... I don't need to go on with the negative adjectives. I just need to go on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hard to tell, in a rough patch, if you truly love someone. I thought DH was the wrong guy for several years, but now we are very happy again. Don't underestimate how much your memories/narrative of the past are influenced by the conditions of the present.

Thank you for this. I have been feeling that way, and I know our current situation (babies, relocation) is clouding my thoughts.

Agreed. Our rough patch lasted a couple of years, and yeah, I did think wow, I don't think I love him. Maybe I never really did. Etc. Once we got through it - I realized I did.

PP who mentioned sex is right though, but that's definitely not enough by itself. If everything just vanishes with some extra sex I wouldn't call that a real rough patch. It does help though.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hard to tell, in a rough patch, if you truly love someone. I thought DH was the wrong guy for several years, but now we are very happy again. Don't underestimate how much your memories/narrative of the past are influenced by the conditions of the present.

Thank you for this. I have been feeling that way, and I know our current situation (babies, relocation) is clouding my thoughts.

I think it's hard to tell, in a rough patch, if you truly love someone. I thought DH was the wrong guy for several years, but now we are very happy again. Don't underestimate how much your memories/narrative of the past are influenced by the conditions of the present.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

That's not a rough patch. That's what happens when you marry someone you didn't love because your clock was ticking.

Stop stating what I do not want to hear.

We had a rough patch while I was battling really bad depression. For two months, I could not work. I could get out of bed in the morning to get the kid out the door to school, but that drained me for the entire day. I had nothing to offer him. I got better and yes, things are much better than before because we don't take anything for granted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our rough patches are usually because I have not been conscious about having regular sex. I find that when we have regular sex, we stay better connected - even though throughout the week we see each other maybe, 3 hrs/day? So busy schedules create distance, which creates tension, which is relieved by sex. Simple! Go to it!

100% truth

X2

In my experience, there are two kinds of rough patches:

Externally fueled rough patches which are precipitated by traumatic events such as illness in family, death of parent, job loss or other economic downfall, etc. These are generally rough on everyone and the marriage doesn't thrive because life is all about survival and getting through the calamity(ies).

Internally fueled rough patches, which are precipitated by distance within the marriage. Usually when one partner or both are busy or consumed by something that the other one is not (child rearing, work, etc), which leads to either feelings of resentment ("I do all of the _____ and s/he does none") or feelings of neglect ("S/he has time for ____ but no time for me"). Distance is created because spouses are focused on individual pursuits. The distance makes it easier to put off spending time together and turns everyday annoyances into things of "I have to live like this for the rest of my LIFE!?' magnitude. The distance means a lack of sex, which only exacerbates things. Partners soon find it difficult to remember why they like/love their spouse and focus only on the negatives because they are not allowing room for any of the positives to flourish.

Anonymous wrote:Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

That's not a rough patch. That's what happens when you marry someone you didn't love because your clock was ticking.

Anonymous wrote:Our rough patches are usually because I have not been conscious about having regular sex. I find that when we have regular sex, we stay better connected - even though throughout the week we see each other maybe, 3 hrs/day? So busy schedules create distance, which creates tension, which is relieved by sex. Simple! Go to it!

100% truth

Anonymous wrote:Our rough patches are usually because I have not been conscious about having regular sex. I find that when we have regular sex, we stay better connected - even though throughout the week we see each other maybe, 3 hrs/day? So busy schedules create distance, which creates tension, which is relieved by sex. Simple! Go to it!

We had a similar rough patch, and when the kids were young. Lack of sex, one near affair, neglecting each other. Kids got older, sex improved, seemed to resolve the tension and bring us closer together.