Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the kindest threads I have ever seen on DCUM.

OP, I know dating seems hard, but call her up. Say what PP suggested and then get out and have fun.

Because he isn't an alpha male and fits the rom-com stereotype of awkward widower who, after several missteps, finds love.... and live happily ever after....

See.... widower = pitty... followed by "he's so sweet....he must have really loved his wife to not date for 4 years...." This is all the stuff he wanted to avoid by not starting out as the 30 year old widower. Now he is trapped into this "you lied to me" stuff. He didn't lie. He just didn't give personal information to someone he only recently met.

Personally, I don't think he is ready to date her. If he was he would have automatically gone for the kiss. If he is hesitating at 30 years old that means he isn't ready/ or isn't really into her. If his wife died there shouldn't be any guilt holding him back. I say he should just move on.

Don't think OP needs advice on women as he managed to get married by the age of 26.

I find that just being honest and open to women is a pretty perfect way to go. Let her see how you are vulnerable. If she doesn't like that, she'll move on. At that point, it is no loss for you.

You need to find someone that you feel comfortable with so that you can be completely yourself.

Remember, you are not trying to find a replacement for your wife. You are looking for someone else who makes you happy and puts a smile on your face. You have to just get out there and try. You may have to date a lot of people before meeting the one. You will have some short term relationships in all likelihood before you find the right person.

Above all, stop feeling guilty about this. If your wife loved you deeply, I am sure that she would want you to be happy. You are not diminishing your love for her by dating someone new.

Hold your ground on what you said to her. You said that you got out of a serious relationship.... and you did. If you apologize to her and play into her "hurt bird" trick about you lying to her then you will totally be on the defensive in the relationship. For some reason women need to be wronged by men and then get them to chase after them to prove the guy is really into them. I think it has something to do with them wanting their girl friends to see just how desirable they are to a man that he will grovel after them. If you do this and the relationship progresses you run the risk of her eventually seeing you as a man-boy. It is the whole thing where women feel like everyone else in their life can't do it as good as they can and they need to take care of their husband and children and then they see the husband like a child. I'm telling you that this relationship isn't starting out on the right foot.

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the kindest threads I have ever seen on DCUM.

OP, I know dating seems hard, but call her up. Say what PP suggested and then get out and have fun.

Because he isn't an alpha male and fits the rom-com stereotype of awkward widower who, after several missteps, finds love.... and live happily ever after....

See.... widower = pitty... followed by "he's so sweet....he must have really loved his wife to not date for 4 years...." This is all the stuff he wanted to avoid by not starting out as the 30 year old widower. Now he is trapped into this "you lied to me" stuff. He didn't lie. He just didn't give personal information to someone he only recently met.

Personally, I don't think he is ready to date her. If he was he would have automatically gone for the kiss. If he is hesitating at 30 years old that means he isn't ready/ or isn't really into her. If his wife died there shouldn't be any guilt holding him back. I say he should just move on.

All this psychological analysis is fine but as to the specific question OP asked, of course you should call her--what in hell do you have to lose???

OP, are you sure you are ready to move on? I can definitely understand why the woman would have doubts. Dealing with another person's emotional baggage is not easy. I married a widower myself, but he was not ambivalent about finding a new partner. He never dodged kisses. Your surprise at your reaction makes me wonder if you have issues to work through still. Have you seen a counselor after DW died?

I say call her and ask if she is willing to hear what you have to say.

Let her know that after losing your wife, having another woman kiss you unexpectedly had you experiencing a multitude of emotions that surprised even you.

Let her know your initial reaction had nothing at all to do with her and everything to do with your situation.

If she is a decent person she will understand what you mean.

OP, call her and be honest.

Oh OP. 4 years is certainly a respectful, and respectable, grieving period. I am someone who raises major eyebrows at widowed people who move on "too soon" - but you haven't done that. It's clear you are OK on your own, and that you aren't just looking for someone to fill a void. That's healthy. So, if this woman is the first one who's caught your attention in 4 years, it's probably worth paying attention to.

That said, if the idea of even kissing someone you seem to like this much is frightening at this point, it might be worth it to look into some grief therapy or a widowhood support group or something of the like.

While you're doing that, tell her how you feel, including the fact that you aren't sure you're ready to date. She's an adult who can make her own decisions, including whether she wants to take s chance given your circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, as a 40 year old single woman on the dating scene, I can tell you you shouldn't feel any stigma for being a widower. Many women who have dated men over forty who've never been married think that it is better to date a widower or a divorced guy than a man who is over forty and never married.

Definitely ask her out again. Make sure it is something that is definitely date like, such as dinner.

OP is 30.

Oh, I thought he meant he had been married for thirty years.

Wow, op, sorry for your loss.

I still think women in their late 20s, early 30s would understand this. Don't worry about the widower status thing. I think it's nice you haven't just had sex with women when you weren't emotionally ready yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still confused about whether you're ready to date her? If so, wait until you know what you want to try.

If you're ready to try, call or write and say that you have been thinking about her and really like her. Express that what happened wasn't personal and that you have taken time and are now ready, and would love to take her to dinner.

I'm not sure. I know that I like her. I'm not sure about dating. I thought I was ready, but don't know, and I feel like a dick asking her to be friends.

What are you not sure about? Intimacy? Or the fact that dating feels like a set of 100 rules you have to follow? (It's not.)

Both maybe?

I thought I was ready to get out there and I was excited about going out with her even if it wasn't a real date, but with her trying to kiss me and me feeling guilty about it I don't know. I don't know if I can do anything serious.

I also have no idea what passes for a good date these days.

Anonymous wrote:Op, as a 40 year old single woman on the dating scene, I can tell you you shouldn't feel any stigma for being a widower. Many women who have dated men over forty who've never been married think that it is better to date a widower or a divorced guy than a man who is over forty and never married.

Definitely ask her out again. Make sure it is something that is definitely date like, such as dinner.

OP is 30.

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor and don't call her.

She sounds like a great lady. One that is probably into a sex life.
If you only had one 'regretted' ONS, you have a low libido. Don't screw her up and cause her lots of frustration if you end up in a relationship. Really man, leave her alone. Go hang out with the Church widows.

Oh for gods sakes. Ignore this poster. Op has been working through grief. Good for him for not using women for sex when he wasn't ready to be in another relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Op, as a 40 year old single woman on the dating scene, I can tell you you shouldn't feel any stigma for being a widower. Many women who have dated men over forty who've never been married think that it is better to date a widower or a divorced guy than a man who is over forty and never married.

Definitely ask her out again. Make sure it is something that is definitely date like, such as dinner.

Oh, I didn't see the part where she said you weren't ready to date yet....

Do her a favor and don't call her.

She sounds like a great lady. One that is probably into a sex life.
If you only had one 'regretted' ONS, you have a low libido. Don't screw her up and cause her lots of frustration if you end up in a relationship. Really man, leave her alone. Go hang out with the Church widows.