DCUM Forum

Anonymous

02/02/2016 17:02 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your hesitance. My DH and I are in a rough spot and when he goes for a few days or a week, I don't really miss him. I can't imagine 6 months. I might be lonely, but I don't think I'd miss him, and those are two different things.

6 months, though, is a long time to do all the "stuff" of a household without help. You might find yourself longing for your partner.

But I'm guessing you know yourself best, and you are worried you aren't going to miss him at all, and instead are going to really enjoy the time without him. Or am I projecting? I'd love if my husband got a 6 month stint overseas.

Nope. He's frequently TDY, and I don't miss him, but I do get lonely. And I'm really worried I'd enjoy him being gone too much.

I'm not looking to leave him. Our life is secure, our child needs both of us, and I hold out hope that it will eventually change for the better. But as religious as he is, there's no way he'll stay in a marriage forever if his wife doesn't love him. And yes, I want to.

(Yes, I've been to counseling, since I know those questions are coming).

I think we might be in the exact same situation, except that my husband isn't going overseas for 6 months. I am also holding out hope that things will get better and I'll start to desire him again (and working at it. Slow going, though).

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:58 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:I understand your hesitance. My DH and I are in a rough spot and when he goes for a few days or a week, I don't really miss him. I can't imagine 6 months. I might be lonely, but I don't think I'd miss him, and those are two different things.

6 months, though, is a long time to do all the "stuff" of a household without help. You might find yourself longing for your partner.

But I'm guessing you know yourself best, and you are worried you aren't going to miss him at all, and instead are going to really enjoy the time without him. Or am I projecting? I'd love if my husband got a 6 month stint overseas.

Nope. He's frequently TDY, and I don't miss him, but I do get lonely. And I'm really worried I'd enjoy him being gone too much.

I'm not looking to leave him. Our life is secure, our child needs both of us, and I hold out hope that it will eventually change for the better. But as religious as he is, there's no way he'll stay in a marriage forever if his wife doesn't love him. And yes, I want to.

(Yes, I've been to counseling, since I know those questions are coming).

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:48 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

I understand your hesitance. My DH and I are in a rough spot and when he goes for a few days or a week, I don't really miss him. I can't imagine 6 months. I might be lonely, but I don't think I'd miss him, and those are two different things.

6 months, though, is a long time to do all the "stuff" of a household without help. You might find yourself longing for your partner.

But I'm guessing you know yourself best, and you are worried you aren't going to miss him at all, and instead are going to really enjoy the time without him. Or am I projecting? I'd love if my husband got a 6 month stint overseas.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:44 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:

Then what do you worry about, OP? That you will not need him anymore after six months? or it will somehow change your relationship fundamentally? its a very short period of time in the lifetime marriage. Nothing will change. Maybe you will get a break from each other.

Yes. Since I'm the emotionally distant one right now, I'm worried I'll become even more distant. I know I don't need him, but there's a difference between not needing someone and not needing them and not wanting them.

I guess because I'm encouraging him to go, that's a big red flag that he shouldn't. On the other hand, it might bring us closer together?

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:38 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Is this a war zone? Lots of affairs happen overseas. They work very long hours and have limited contact with others. The big joke is "wings up, rings off." But the pay is amazing.

My parents marriage improved when my dad was on extended assignment. They realized how much they needed each other.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:30 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Traveling is probably the only reason I am still married! I miss those days. I say let him go.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:25 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are not having sex with him, be prepared he will cheat when he is away. Especially if he is military.

Projecting a bit, are we?

No, just know so many stories. It is very common.

Well, I'm not worried about - OP.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:21 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are not having sex with him, be prepared he will cheat when he is away. Especially if he is military.

Projecting a bit, are we?

No, just know so many stories. It is very common.

Well, I'm not worried about - OP.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:16 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are not having sex with him, be prepared he will cheat when he is away. Especially if he is military.

Projecting a bit, are we?

No, just know so many stories. It is very common.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:11 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are not having sex with him, be prepared he will cheat when he is away. Especially if he is military.

Projecting a bit, are we?

Anonymous

02/02/2016 15:09 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

OP, if you are not having sex with him, be prepared he will cheat when he is away. Especially if he is military.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 14:46 Subject: Re:6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go with him or plan to visit him much of that 6 months?

Neither are an option in this situation.

Anonymous

02/02/2016 14:43 Subject: Re:6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Why don't you go with him or plan to visit him much of that 6 months?

Anonymous

02/02/2016 14:25 Subject: 6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:If you have a child and he leaves for 6 months, you might find you will miss him more than you think. My DH travels and there have been rocky times when I was fed up, then he was gone a week and when he came back I was in love again. Being a single parent is hard. If you're considering leaving it might be the clarity you need to confirm either way.

+ 1

Anonymous

02/02/2016 14:24 Subject: Re:6 months apart when your marriage isn't great

Anonymous wrote:We had our rocky phases when the kids were little. I found that travelling for work for a week helped us cool off and perhaps miss each other a bit. It was never six months though. It would help us, but we may be unique.

I know you say "living like roomates" isn't code word for not having enough sex, but as a man I read it that way. I know it's cliche, but once we started having sex again, all the resentment and hostility faded away or at least was dealt with much more kindness and empathy. I would definitely encourage you to try and find someway to reignite the sex life before he goes away.

Yes, but as you say, you're a man. I find it hard to have sex with someone who said some of the things he said to me. I'm not holding a grudge, but I can't forget. And I know it's cliche from the other end, but my mind isn't into sex when the kitchen 20 feet away makes me want to vomit.

I also know that pre-separation, I start building a wall, and that's normal. I think that might cause problems too.