Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 15:40     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
I am in a second marriage and I feel the same toward my husband's ex. I've been married awhile (5+ years) and had I known then how much this would have bothered me, I never would have gotten married.

It wasn't like this in the beginning. His ex wasn't around and the kids were little, I was nice to her when I interacted but that was it. In the first few years we were married, the ex started taking my husband to court time after time and it was really stressful. There were awful things said about my husband but then there started to be complaints about ME. Then my stepkids started complaining to the ex about me (little things) and the ex started to threaten me with texts and phone calls. She called the police on ME several times and CPS. None of it was ever valid, she just likes to harass people like that.

Now that the kids are teens I know that I don't have to see their mom probably ever again but I really have bad feelings and it effects me personally. I worry that my feelings will show and my stepkids will be affected in some way.

Maybe this is just my issue but I think that it is a good thing for your BF to be cautious.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 15:32     Subject: Re:My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
The relationship with the dad won't be harmed. I'm sure she let's the kids see and interact all they want with him. If the ex is upsetting her like she posted that's the clue she needs to listen to the bf. If he's the "one" don't let the ex get in the way, all I can suggest.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 15:28     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
OP's boyfriend might be on to something. I don't think we should fault the guy for feeling protective of OP.

Everyone involved should read "Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by Gary Neuman.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 14:16     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
No man who would expect a woman to do anything that would harm her children's relationship with their father is worth having around. And yes, pulling back on contact and access when everyone EXCEPT the boyfriend is fine with it, constitutes "harming the relationship."
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:49     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.



I suspect she is allowing the ex way too much access. Not uncommon for people to do this, then down the road wonder why they keep getting dumped.


Because kids come first, and kids need their parents to have a functional relationship. It sounds like OP and her ex have a decent coparenting relationship. Why would OP ruin that for an immature guy.


No kids don't always get to come first, or get what they want. Usually they want mom and dad to stay together, but that can't happen. Kids learn quick there are different rules in different houses, be it dad's or mom's and new boyfriend. The exe's shouldn't be bad mouthing each other, and child visits should be encouraged. Aside from that it can work well with mom and dad having their own separate lives. Many do and it creates less stress when there isn't any fighting or animosity.

If OP is certain he is the one then living together for a little bit would be fine, if she has some doubts then maybe keeping separate homes would be best. If her ex husband is indeed creating problems then OP needs to nip it because she encounter the same reaction from the next relationship. Drama gets old.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:30     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
He needs to accept that your ex will be part of your life in one way or another and I assume that once the kids become teens there will be a whole host of decisions you will suddenly need to deal with together. If he can't accept that, then you need to reconsider the relationship.

I also would reconsider moving in together where your children live if you don't have plans for a permanent/committed relationship.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:29     Subject: Re:My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:OP: I would think through some situations before you change your style of co-parenting. What if your kids really want dad to make a quick visit to your house to see their new bunkbeds. Are you ready to explain to them that their dad is banned?


Kids don't always get what they want....be it new iphones, latest game.. etc. They'll get that dad can receive a pic of bunk beds from kids, he doesn't get to come inside her and bf's home.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:27     Subject: Re:My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
I had a friend that finally divorced her husband of 10 years. The biggest problem was his ex would always throw bday parties for the kids, or other celebrations and he would go and force her go. When she asked my advice I told her that's nuts. Most people do separate celebrations with the kids on their own time. I guess the resentments continued to grow, then came the grand-kids and it continued. She warned him she wouldn't put up with it anymore because it interfered with their own holidays, her family, or vacations in general.
Long story, but he was devastated she divorced him which shocked me. He had ample warning over the years to put a end to it, and I to saw it coming for a long time. Why she allowed it to go on from day one is a mystery.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:21     Subject: Re:My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
OP: I would think through some situations before you change your style of co-parenting. What if your kids really want dad to make a quick visit to your house to see their new bunkbeds. Are you ready to explain to them that their dad is banned?
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:15     Subject: Re:My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Trying to read in between the lines, your ex is a a hole if your bf saw you upset at times. This is a good time to think about your past and future. Do you want to allow a ex to sabotage your future? Yes he's you children's father and you can respect that, however stop allowing him inside your home, and do the exchanges quickly with little conversation. At the kids age it's should be clear what the visitation schedule is. Maybe a confirmation email and start to minimize the contact with ex. Let your bf know you are putting the past in the past, and just because you have kids with the ex, doesn't mean he has to be in your life. If you do plan to marry him then you and he can co-parent together, and have your ex and his partner co-parent on their time. This seems to work best for couples with new partners.

Is there a way you can move into bf's home, and you rent yours??? That may work out best in regards to your ex thinking he can come in your home, and may help with the boundary issue. Again I would do what I could to have a better future minus the ex. I see too many people that mess up their lives over ex's yet they empowered them all along.
If we moved into his house, it's not the same school system. Plus then it would be away from my kids friends. I bought my ex husband out of the house to keep the kids in their home, at their school. Now, we could buy a new house together in the same school system. That would be a fresh start for everyone.



Of course if you keep the home in your name, and the relationship doesn't work out you haven't co-mingled it. Probably the best choice.
Probably distancing yourself more from the ex is the best idea if you really value this relationship. I was very lucky, my husband had a ex that would do a lot of things to try and cause trouble. We did parent together, (he didn't with her) and didn't care what she did on her time. If we saw her at the graduation, or soccer we didn't sit with her and basically moved on. It's one thing for the kids to be in your life, but the ex doesn't have to be.
Like anything often we empower people we shouldn't.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:03     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.



The fact that she's been upset from the ex shows there's a problem. It doesn't seem to be with the bf, and yes what he can do is dump her for someone that is more willing to move forward. No a ex doesn't have to be in your life. Do the child exchanges, maybe bring bf along and once the kids can drive it's over except for a wedding, graduation or something like that. AS for co-parenting many I know do that with their new partner, and the other one does the same on their time. This ensures no one is trying to micro-manage the other couple's home or parenting style.


Is this 1980? This is not how people do divorce nowadays. My DH and kids and I are going to where my stepson lives for spring break so we can spend a week visiting and watching his soccer games and stuff. Do you think I'm going to pitch a bitch that the ex wife dares to show up for her son's games as well? Lose my mind if my husband walks over to chat with her about something? Hells bells, it is 2016. If you're so insecure you can't handle your partner CO PARENTING THEIR CHILDREN with the parent of their children, then I don't know what to tell you. Find a single 21 year old to date then. OP DOES need to deal with her ex, and will on a pretty frequent basis for a minimum of 7 more years, and even after that, will still have to just less frequently. New dude can either nut up and stop being intimidated by an ex husband and his girlfriend's necessary involvement with him, or he can go find some college grad to take up with whose life is less complicated.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 13:00     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.



I suspect she is allowing the ex way too much access. Not uncommon for people to do this, then down the road wonder why they keep getting dumped.


Because kids come first, and kids need their parents to have a functional relationship. It sounds like OP and her ex have a decent coparenting relationship. Why would OP ruin that for an immature guy.
Yes, kids come first always and my ex and I do our best to partner in raising them yet living our own lives. I probably am allowing too much access and should modify what I allow but make sure that it doesn't effect the kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 12:45     Subject: Re:My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:Trying to read in between the lines, your ex is a a hole if your bf saw you upset at times. This is a good time to think about your past and future. Do you want to allow a ex to sabotage your future? Yes he's you children's father and you can respect that, however stop allowing him inside your home, and do the exchanges quickly with little conversation. At the kids age it's should be clear what the visitation schedule is. Maybe a confirmation email and start to minimize the contact with ex. Let your bf know you are putting the past in the past, and just because you have kids with the ex, doesn't mean he has to be in your life. If you do plan to marry him then you and he can co-parent together, and have your ex and his partner co-parent on their time. This seems to work best for couples with new partners.

Is there a way you can move into bf's home, and you rent yours??? That may work out best in regards to your ex thinking he can come in your home, and may help with the boundary issue. Again I would do what I could to have a better future minus the ex. I see too many people that mess up their lives over ex's yet they empowered them all along.
If we moved into his house, it's not the same school system. Plus then it would be away from my kids friends. I bought my ex husband out of the house to keep the kids in their home, at their school. Now, we could buy a new house together in the same school system. That would be a fresh start for everyone.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 12:03     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.



I suspect she is allowing the ex way too much access. Not uncommon for people to do this, then down the road wonder why they keep getting dumped.


Because kids come first, and kids need their parents to have a functional relationship. It sounds like OP and her ex have a decent coparenting relationship. Why would OP ruin that for an immature guy.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2016 11:55     Subject: My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband
Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.



I suspect she is allowing the ex way too much access. Not uncommon for people to do this, then down the road wonder why they keep getting dumped.