Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 15:43     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:I have to wonder if your IL’s are anti-immigrant or anti-illegal immigrant. Big difference.
It seems to me that you are looking for racism where none exists.


If some one regularly rants about the social ills of society and how it's all the fault of these outsiders, then something's off there. Call it xenophobia or racism, but either way, it's not really the type of person I'd like to associate with. You can have an opinion about what sensible immigration policy would look like without trying to pin all of our own problems on a particular demographic.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 15:05     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
I have to wonder if your IL’s are anti-immigrant or anti-illegal immigrant. Big difference.
It seems to me that you are looking for racism where none exists.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 15:04     Subject: Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the PPs saying to tell your ILs off or tell them to never discuss this with you again. Telling people to shut up doesn't make the problem go away - it just gets you more politely worded racism, instead of the overt expressions that are easier to recognize and name. Getting racist people to be more polite makes it easy for not-so-racist white people to imagine that racism no longer exists, since it's not overtly expressed out there in the open anymore.

So, I would let your ILs know that you don't agree and that you believe humanity is one, then I'd probably change the subject. If they want to continue, I'd probably excuse myself but I wouldn't yell or say "keep it to yourself!"



op here. I agree with you. I think getting into an ugly argument with them would be fruitless. I know my MIL, she will never change her mind and only bully me and create a scene. I think its best to ignore her and just keep my distance. It is just sad that I even have to be subjected to this. For this reason, I only try to see her twice a year. This past year was rough because I had to interact with her 6 times total.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 15:03     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



This is a good point. Do you have kids? If not, I would probably divorce. You can't ignore your ILs once you have kids, and they will influence your kids.

I really wish I had chosen a better father/family for my kids.


Not yet. I am honestly scared to think of having kids with them involved. I know my dh would make a wonderful kind father. His parents are kind loving people but their hearts are closed off to the muslim world and anyone who is not white. I've heard them speak ill of mexicans, blacks are of course the worst and even asian people.

I worry about my children being exposed to these conversations at the dinner table. I worry my MIL will try to force them to go to church. DH and I have talked about raising them loosely muslim but immersed in christian/american tradition such as Christmas and Thanksgiving.


Okay, so this is not the same thing, but there are parallels. I am South Indian and dark skinned. My husband is north indian and light-skinned. His parents hated me spot on, from the beginning, because I didn't speak the right language or have the 'ideal' skin color. Whatever. Like you, when they said racist things (and they said it about South Indians, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, everyone - other than north Indians), I'd hold my tongue, never respond with anything but a blank stare, and change the subject. My DH would rant at them but it didn't change things (they just got careful not to say racist stuff in front of him, but they'd say offensive things to me when we were alone). Like you, I was terrified about what this would mean about my kids. Fast forward a decade. For whatever reason, my own two kids look like me, and speak my language fluently. They have taken on my culture (my food, the music I grew up with, my religious leanings) without me shoving it down their throat - I don't emphasize that they take it on. But I don't apologize for who I am and ignored whatever BS the in-laws had to say about it.

Point it - you're their mom. Believe it or not you 'trump' everyone else. Your beliefs - whether you love your heritage or shy away from it - is what they will be exposed to far more than whatever toxicity comes from their grandparents. Mom and dad are the ocean, the rest of the world is just little raindrops.


Thank you SO much for sharing your experience. It honestly made me feel so much better.

And like you, I just ignore their ignorant and hateful comments and leave the room or talk with others. My MIL is the most vocal. Those who do not agree with her, I notice, do not bother to engage with her except for my dh with whom she gets into screaming matches.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 14:59     Subject: Regret marrying into Racist Family
I don't agree with the PPs saying to tell your ILs off or tell them to never discuss this with you again. Telling people to shut up doesn't make the problem go away - it just gets you more politely worded racism, instead of the overt expressions that are easier to recognize and name. Getting racist people to be more polite makes it easy for not-so-racist white people to imagine that racism no longer exists, since it's not overtly expressed out there in the open anymore.

So, I would let your ILs know that you don't agree and that you believe humanity is one, then I'd probably change the subject. If they want to continue, I'd probably excuse myself but I wouldn't yell or say "keep it to yourself!"

Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 14:54     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



This is a good point. Do you have kids? If not, I would probably divorce. You can't ignore your ILs once you have kids, and they will influence your kids.

I really wish I had chosen a better father/family for my kids.


Not yet. I am honestly scared to think of having kids with them involved. I know my dh would make a wonderful kind father. His parents are kind loving people but their hearts are closed off to the muslim world and anyone who is not white. I've heard them speak ill of mexicans, blacks are of course the worst and even asian people.

I worry about my children being exposed to these conversations at the dinner table. I worry my MIL will try to force them to go to church. DH and I have talked about raising them loosely muslim but immersed in christian/american tradition such as Christmas and Thanksgiving.


Okay, so this is not the same thing, but there are parallels. I am South Indian and dark skinned. My husband is north indian and light-skinned. His parents hated me spot on, from the beginning, because I didn't speak the right language or have the 'ideal' skin color. Whatever. Like you, when they said racist things (and they said it about South Indians, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, everyone - other than north Indians), I'd hold my tongue, never respond with anything but a blank stare, and change the subject. My DH would rant at them but it didn't change things (they just got careful not to say racist stuff in front of him, but they'd say offensive things to me when we were alone). Like you, I was terrified about what this would mean about my kids. Fast forward a decade. For whatever reason, my own two kids look like me, and speak my language fluently. They have taken on my culture (my food, the music I grew up with, my religious leanings) without me shoving it down their throat - I don't emphasize that they take it on. But I don't apologize for who I am and ignored whatever BS the in-laws had to say about it.

Point it - you're their mom. Believe it or not you 'trump' everyone else. Your beliefs - whether you love your heritage or shy away from it - is what they will be exposed to far more than whatever toxicity comes from their grandparents. Mom and dad are the ocean, the rest of the world is just little raindrops.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 14:11     Subject: Regret marrying into Racist Family
Ah... the proverbial apple and the tree, you say? LOL

Racism aside the fact that DH advocates for open borders makes me doubt his cognitive abilities. So yeah, you married the family.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:46     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



I just quietly eat my food and make conversation with other guests. I don't want to stir drama and since she's not going to change her mind, there's no point in giving her an earful anyway.


oh that's disgusting! she rants and rants while you're sitting there eating your meal? How terrible! I would not spend time with them anymore and your husband should understand that. Of course, if you have doubts now about raising children with him in the abstract...i promise it will get more complicated and emotional when you DO have kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:45     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



I just quietly eat my food and make conversation with other guests. I don't want to stir drama and since she's not going to change her mind, there's no point in giving her an earful anyway.


After one of those rants take her to the side and say "Larla, what you just said there is really disrespectful and hurtful. I understand you don't see it that way and that's why you say it. But I just wanted to let you know how your words make me feel. If you continue this way I may not be able to hold my tongue, even though I'm trying really hard to keep it civil and not cause drama. Please be mindful of what you say in front of me."
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:42     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I agree with the PP that you need to think of them as willfully ignorant and stupid. And, in the US culture, you absolutely do NOT marry the family. You marry your spouse and are required to be civil to your ILs but not deferential. Hugs.


Thank you.

So far, I am proud of taking the high road but it hurts. I think my MIL is a lovely woman and very living and giving to other white people. It just hurts to feel discriminated like this.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:40     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



This is a good point. Do you have kids? If not, I would probably divorce. You can't ignore your ILs once you have kids, and they will influence your kids.

I really wish I had chosen a better father/family for my kids.


Not yet. I am honestly scared to think of having kids with them involved. I know my dh would make a wonderful kind father. His parents are kind loving people but their hearts are closed off to the muslim world and anyone who is not white. I've heard them speak ill of mexicans, blacks are of course the worst and even asian people.

I worry about my children being exposed to these conversations at the dinner table. I worry my MIL will try to force them to go to church. DH and I have talked about raising them loosely muslim but immersed in christian/american tradition such as Christmas and Thanksgiving.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:36     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
I'm sorry, OP. I agree with the PP that you need to think of them as willfully ignorant and stupid. And, in the US culture, you absolutely do NOT marry the family. You marry your spouse and are required to be civil to your ILs but not deferential. Hugs.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:35     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



I just quietly eat my food and make conversation with other guests. I don't want to stir drama and since she's not going to change her mind, there's no point in giving her an earful anyway.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:34     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).



This is a good point. Do you have kids? If not, I would probably divorce. You can't ignore your ILs once you have kids, and they will influence your kids.

I really wish I had chosen a better father/family for my kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 13:28     Subject: Re:Regret marrying into Racist Family
Hmmm...rants on racial purity, yuck. What do you say when she does this? i would be PISSED. PISSED. And tell her never to talk like that again in your presence (or, kids, if you have them).