Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very considerate about the fact that I don't want my kids to be a burden on others. But some people feel family owes them and aren't really think about the other person's feelings. My inlaws are retired and keep themselves busy and I try not to assume they are always available to help me. But my SIL/BIL use them for long stretches. It's not that the IL are more willing to watch their kids. It's that SIL/BIL aren't worried about what the parents want.

Then what is the problem? You've made the decision that you won't use them for babysitting for every situation that comes up. Your SIL made a different decision. Why does her decision affect you? I don't get it.

+1

Your relationship with them and your SIL's relationship with them have nothing to do with each other. Want more help? ASK. If you aren't willing to ask, then it's on you, so let it go.

Anonymous wrote:I'm very considerate about the fact that I don't want my kids to be a burden on others. But some people feel family owes them and aren't really think about the other person's feelings. My inlaws are retired and keep themselves busy and I try not to assume they are always available to help me. But my SIL/BIL use them for long stretches. It's not that the IL are more willing to watch their kids. It's that SIL/BIL aren't worried about what the parents want.

Then what is the problem? You've made the decision that you won't use them for babysitting for every situation that comes up. Your SIL made a different decision. Why does her decision affect you? I don't get it.

My parents have never ever babysat my kids (no interest), so....consider yourself lucky, and if you want more, ask for more?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

Look at it this way, OP. Your ILs weren't there for you in raising your kids so you and your kids don't have to feel obligated to reciprocate later in life. Let SIL and her grown kids take the responsibility for schlepping the ILs around and helping them in their old age. What goes around comes around.

Um, wow. Did those ILs raise their actual children? One of whom OP married? I'm glad I'm not related to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "fine, whatever" comment speaks volumes. You seem to feel entitled to it, which is wrong.

I don't at all feel entitled to it. I just think whatever they decide to do with their own time, it should be reasonably fair.

"Fair" and "equal" are different concepts. You seem to be confused by this.

Have DH do more of the planning/asking.


Another thing to try...Next time they call needing help with gutters or a project or whatever, say, "Yes, Saturday at 2 works for us to help you. While we've got our calendars out, can we schedule an upcoming Saturday night for you to watch the kids so we can go on a date night?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

Look at it this way, OP. Your ILs weren't there for you in raising your kids so you and your kids don't have to feel obligated to reciprocate later in life. Let SIL and her grown kids take the responsibility for schlepping the ILs around and helping them in their old age. What goes around comes around.

You sound like you're sharing this cold advice based on your own experiences and personality. Your last comment may apply to you as well one day.

I'm very considerate about the fact that I don't want my kids to be a burden on others. But some people feel family owes them and aren't really think about the other person's feelings. My inlaws are retired and keep themselves busy and I try not to assume they are always available to help me. But my SIL/BIL use them for long stretches. It's not that the IL are more willing to watch their kids. It's that SIL/BIL aren't worried about what the parents want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

Look at it this way, OP. Your ILs weren't there for you in raising your kids so you and your kids don't have to feel obligated to reciprocate later in life. Let SIL and her grown kids take the responsibility for schlepping the ILs around and helping them in their old age. What goes around comes around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't turning you down, your hurt feelings are basically your own fault.

Well, I don't usually ask them for work reasons (my husband has a lot of flexibility) but they do turn us down quite often if we ask for personal/social reasons. They keep an active social calendar booked way in advance but seem only willing to cancel their activities for SIL.

But as I write this I am realizing my real issue is that I feel like in general about everything SIL gets her way above all else. It's more about that than the babysitting. Just writing it down made me see that.

That might be part of it, backup daycare is different than date night. It is usually last minute when childcare options are very limited/nonexistent. Missing work is a bigger deal than missing date night. Not that date night isn't important.

It could also be a mother-daughter thing. My mom is more comfortable in my home and taking care of my DC than she is with my brother's family. She has a good relationship with them and cares for my niece and nephew all the time but it's not as organic. She raised me, I do things like her, my thought process is like hers, she if comfortable making judgment calls because she is confidant I would make a similar one. For example if my DC had a fever she would take care of it, call the doc if it was high, medicate as she saw fit, etc. I trust her to do the right thing. If my nephew had a fever she'd feel compelled to call and ask. Nothing wrong with that but caring for my DC is just a little easier on every level including my "management" of her as a care giver.

Let your DH deal with this. Honestly, just let it go. For whatever reason, they prefer your SIL's kids. It doesn't sound very nice or fair to me, but life is like that sometimes.

Find a good baby sitter and move on. Your resentment will corrode your relationship with them if you let it fester.

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I have a sister (I am also a woman) and I find my parents babysit my sister's kids MUCH more often. I think it's not so much parenting "style" as it is that they see her as more needy and frankly much more willing to cede to their ways of doing things. Ie they will babysit but reserve the right to plant my kids in front of the TV and feed them ice cream for lunch. We pick and choose when we ask and accept we don't get to dictate what they do.

I've noticed this a lot. I think families really favor the daughter's children a lot more. Maybe they all hate their DILs, idk but it's something I've noticed. Daughters stay close to their parents more and their parents are closer too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't turning you down, your hurt feelings are basically your own fault.

Well, I don't usually ask them for work reasons (my husband has a lot of flexibility) but they do turn us down quite often if we ask for personal/social reasons. They keep an active social calendar booked way in advance but seem only willing to cancel their activities for SIL.

But as I write this I am realizing my real issue is that I feel like in general about everything SIL gets her way above all else. It's more about that than the babysitting. Just writing it down made me see that.

Isn't it nice when you put your thoughts out there you get a clearer vision of what's really going on inside? Sometimes just "talking" it out helps to clarify things.
Also, think of it like this, you are the ones who are respecting the wishes of the grandparents and not unnecessarily imposing. Personally, I am one of those people who errs on the side of not imposing even when people/relatives are excitedly willing to do things for us. I bet dollars to donuts the grandparents feel put upon by their daughter and just do not know how to say "no". That's not inequitable parental love and caring, it's about boundaries. And remember, when your kids grow up, there will be some sort of issues there as well. We are all human and are constantly working out how to have relationships with one another, being parent and child does not wipe that out, no matter how much you love one another.

You sound very entitled. A lot of people have to pay for babysitting if they want to have date nights or have social events to attend or don't have family close by to babysit. Also, life is not fair. If you change your thinking on this, you can start to let this go.