Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 09:42     Subject: How to handle fat question
I know it's hard to tell exactly what was said and *how* it was said, but I would have my child write a note of apology.

It sounds, from your post, that the woman might be in an in-law to your sister and not related to you, but, regardless, I would call her and ask what happened and apologize for my child.

Then I'd have my son write a note. At 6, I think just "I am sorry that I hurt your feelings" would be fine, and then I'd add a little note.
Anonymous
Post 01/28/2016 06:09     Subject: How to handle fat question
There is a very fine line between what is developmentally appropriate and curious and what is mean-spirited and shaming.

My DD is a young child who uses a wheelchair. Kids ask questions that are fine "Why can't you walk?" "What's wrong with your legs?"

But depending on their tone of voice and their expression, the questions can be off-putting and mean-spirited. And the next question can be mean and hostile. "Why do you come to the pool?" "Why do you smile so much?"

It's not up to the person under questioning to "have a thicker skin." Children need to be taught that personal questions have a limit. Everyone has a right to privacy.

Anonymous
Post 01/27/2016 22:39     Subject: How to handle fat question
Anonymous wrote:Kids can be like this. At this age they are KEENLY aware of differences. We do not mock others' appearances in our house either but kids still casually bring up these things because they notice it and comment on the difference. I doubt he was being mean spirited BUT you do need to let him know that it hurts people's feelings, everyone is different and that's okay and we can't help the way we look, etc. At Costco at Christmas my 6 yo saw a Middle Eastern man with a long white beard and said "Why is a gnome at Costco?" Naturally I admonished her and told her she shouldn't say things like that but at this age it's not really said out of meanness. Just noticing someone looks different.

You should definitely address that with your son so he knows it can be hurtful but frankly, your obese relative needs to quit being so sensitive. He's a little curious kid and she's obese. He's far from the first to say something about it and he sounds like he was just genuinely questioning a difference he noticed. Now if he called her "fat disgusting cow" that would be another story but this doesn't sound like that.


AHAHAHAHA, thank you.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2016 21:12     Subject: How to handle fat question
OP here- After going over it with him again- I actually don't think he made the marriage comment- my sister wasn't in the room when it happened- so I am actually getting it third-hand and it just doesn't sound like something he would even think through. I also know that he didn't hear anything like that at home- and I don't think at school either. We talked again about not asking people about their appearance because it might be hurtful and about how we are all made differently and that is ok. I am pretty sure he didn't intend to hurt her feelings, but I think he knew it wasn't a kind thing to say.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2016 20:39     Subject: How to handle fat question
Anonymous wrote:Have a hard time believing a 6 year old would ask about the husbands marriage choices...


Yes this is very concerning and indicates he has heard adult conversations and thoughts he should not have, and that's on you OP, or is just not true.

My 5 year old is very curious about other people's appearances (he recently asked me why someone was SO black, I guess versus being regular black? It was a very dark skinned person) but we have done a lot of work so he knows to ask me later, or quietly far away from the person and I'm very matter of fact in my explanations.

The part about why her husband married her is really out of the ordinary for a 6 year old
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2016 20:33     Subject: Re:How to handle fat question
Anonymous wrote:He could get a job at Dillard's.




With my kids, I've just always said not to talk about how anyone looks at all because you don't know what might them feel bad. Fat, thin, weird teeth, etc.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2016 19:58     Subject: How to handle fat question
Anonymous wrote:I just learned from my sister that my six year old was really rude. He was at her house and her obese relative was visiting. Apparently my six year old asked her why was she so fat, why was her bottom so big and why her husband had married her. I was shocked because we don't talk like this at our house ever. When I asked him about it he said that he just wanted to know why she was fat- I asked if he knew that it wasn't kind- and he said yes. What is the discipline or punishment for something like this? How do I handle this? Ugh- I hate that he was so mean.


To me, this is the key.

He knew it was an unkind thing to say, and he did it anyway.

Focus on this. Tell him your family believes in being kind and respectful of others. And you do not hurt other people on purpose. Not their bodies and not their feelings.

If this is something he's been doing a lot lately -- being unkind to you and DH, his siblings, friends, classmates, teachers etc. -- it's time for a real consequence. He needs to know this will not be tolerated in your family.

If it's a one-off thing, ask him how it feels to know he hurt someone else's feelings. Remind him to be more kind in the future. And let him know that if you see it again, there will be a consequence.

Anonymous
Post 01/27/2016 16:32     Subject: How to handle fat question
Anonymous wrote:I agree- the husband comment was odd to me- what would make him think to ask that question? I did wonder if that question was actually asked. I just really want him to understand how hurtful words can be- and I am not sure how to teach that other than just telling him.


I don't wonder if it was asked. My first thought is that he must have heard someone -- maybe his father, or another relative -- say something like that in private and just repeated it.