Anonymous wrote:

I feel that I need more warming up than I'm getting, because as soon as I'm doing it I enjoy it. By warming up, I mean initiating, starting with kissing or going from back rub to more or whatever. But partner cannot or will not help me out. So I basically feel I need help lighting the fuse, but I have to do all the initiating. That is, 100%. I hate it. The low drive person doing all the initiating is a recipe for resentment and doesn't help the cause. I would actually argue that it's a form of cruelty. Especially when I have asked for help getting there in the most sincere way I can. It is a mystery to me, why he can't meet me even halfway. I truly feel bad for my higher drive spouse and want him to be happy too.

I think this might be part of the problem between DW and I. She is lower drive and she needs to be warmed up. I don't mind warming her up at all, *however* very often, she doesn't want to be warmed up or have sex. So, I let her initiate because I don't want her to feel pressured for sex when she doesn't want it. But she probably doesn't like having to initiate either.

Basically, I feel like I need to read her mind to know when she is up for being warmed up. Which, obviously, sucks.

I think that like so many things this can change over time, with changes in life circumstances (kids being a big one but of course there are others).

Im fine with about once a week; sometimes more, sometimes less. After I had our second DC I don't think I masturbated for like a year. I just had no energy for or interest in sex after spending hours every day being touched, doing things for other people, nursing, etc. But I doubt we ever went more than 2 weeks without sex because I know my DH wants and needs it.

Now, several years later, I know we're mismatched as far as libido, but also, my DH can't seem to ask for anything directly (i.e. "I'd like to have sex more often") and instead makes a lot of sarcastic cracks which often end up hurting my feelings. I also still spend a lot of my time doing stuff for others and/or trying to take care of myself physically (sleep, exercise) and don't have much left over for anything. But honestly probably the biggest issue is that DH wants sex to be this involved production and if he were content with a quickie we'd easily be able to have sex twice as often as we do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are most compatible but mismatched libidos. I would love sex 5-7x per week. She is happy 1x per week (which is an improvement from 1x per month when kids were little). Also, she is very vanilla, which is fine, but spice on occasion would be nice.

Now that we are 1x per week, its a manageable gap. When it was 2 weeks no sex our marriage was miserable.

Why post in the sexless marriage thread at all? At its most sexual, my marriage was once weekly.

Can someone explain why they are married if they are in a sexless marriage? I'm not asking the aggrieved party but the ones who refuse to have regular intimacy with their spouse (or who just don't make it a priority). It seems extremely cruel to the other partner. Why marry someone to subject them to a lifetime of no intimacy?

I am lower drive. First of all, when I married I was high drive. Then kids came and everything changed. So it wasn't a bait and switch. Second of all, I don't "refuse." I feel that I need more warming up than I'm getting, because as soon as I'm doing it I enjoy it. By warming up, I mean initiating, starting with kissing or going from back rub to more or whatever. But partner cannot or will not help me out. So I basically feel I need help lighting the fuse, but I have to do all the initiating. That is, 100%. I hate it. The low drive person doing all the initiating is a recipe for resentment and doesn't help the cause. I would actually argue that it's a form of cruelty. Especially when I have asked for help getting there in the most sincere way I can. It is a mystery to me, why he can't meet me even halfway. I truly feel bad for my higher drive spouse and want him to be happy too.

Anonymous wrote:How compatible are most people with their partners? How often would you like to have sex, ideally, vs how many times your partner would say it's ideal? I'd like to think my husband and I are on the same page, but I am not sure anymore. We are definitely not in a sexless marriage, but maybe his idea of a sexually satisfying marriage and my idea are different.

Compatibility is subject to change. You shouldn't assume you and your partner will be the same people years down the road.

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that I wanted sex a lot, at first with my husband. However, when he wasn't interested, and kept on not being interested I stopped wanting it with him, and instead wanted it with others.

I hope you had it. I find it difficult to attract people while married. Decent guys are too hung up on the monogamy thing. It's annoying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are most compatible but mismatched libidos. I would love sex 5-7x per week. She is happy 1x per week (which is an improvement from 1x per month when kids were little). Also, she is very vanilla, which is fine, but spice on occasion would be nice.

Now that we are 1x per week, its a manageable gap. When it was 2 weeks no sex our marriage was miserable.

Why post in the sexless marriage thread at all? At its most sexual, my marriage was once weekly.

Can someone explain why they are married if they are in a sexless marriage? I'm not asking the aggrieved party but the ones who refuse to have regular intimacy with their spouse (or who just don't make it a priority). It seems extremely cruel to the other partner. Why marry someone to subject them to a lifetime of no intimacy?

The other partner is not enslaved. If people stay together, there is a reason for that. No one can subject anybody to anything without their consent.

Discrepancies in libido are never resolved in favor of the higher drive spouse. In my marriage, I am that higher drive spouse and would like sex 2-3 times per week, but we're probably once a month. While I like most things about DW, I find that the lack of sex makes me so bitter and resentful that it affects the way I feel about her and treat her.

Anonymous wrote:My problem was that I wanted sex a lot, at first with my husband. However, when he wasn't interested, and kept on not being interested I stopped wanting it with him, and instead wanted it with others.

Did your husband start being interested at some point?

My problem was that I wanted sex a lot, at first with my husband. However, when he wasn't interested, and kept on not being interested I stopped wanting it with him, and instead wanted it with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^Grr. *Your* (not "you're") question above.

This is not a grammar discussion. Go away.

I was referring to my own post with that your/you're correction -- preemptive strike before the grammar police arrived. Guess it backfired.

Sorry - I just was defending your honor.
Carry on!

Woman here. I could have sex 3x a week. My partner is game for that but likes to stretch it out with lots of flirting and teasing and sexting between so that when we get together it's reallllllly good and we're doing it several times in one night. We don't have kids though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^Grr. *Your* (not "you're") question above.

This is not a grammar discussion. Go away.

I was referring to my own post with that your/you're correction -- preemptive strike before the grammar police arrived. Guess it backfired.

Anonymous wrote:^^^Grr. *Your* (not "you're") question above.

This is not a grammar discussion. Go away.

^^^Grr. *Your* (not "you're") question above.

I think it's usually a matter of one partner's libido changing over time -- (usually but certainly not always the woman's libido decreasing) while another partner's stays the same.

The reason for the decreased libido can have a variety of factors: novelty wearing off; hormones; negative body image issues; being tired from lack of sleep or worn down from the grind of life; partner getting uglier, less hygienic, and/or less attentive.

To answer you're question I'm a DH - I'd be cool with once a week. My wife says that she'd like that frequency, but the reality seems to be that she actually wants to have sex about once a month and we end up having sex about once every 2-3 weeks. If it matters, we've been together 20 years, married for 15, and have 2 kids ages 9 and 11.