Anonymous
Post 01/19/2016 05:34     Subject: Re:DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:
Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Yes, I would go. I don't really care that much what other people think and so her attempts to be nasty would not have much of an emotional effect on me. If it would mean a lot to my husband, I'd do it. I'm pretty good at being assertive without being combative.


OP here. I really appreciate most of the PPs who understand this, and have added input, thank you. I am assertive, that is the problem. Anything I say, especially if it is not stroking MIL, is "wrong", or worse. They are not a communicative family, so just about anything I say is considered "combative", easily. You get along to go along, even if what the ILs (MIL in particular,) say or do is the most horrible thing you have ever heard. In addition, DH's brother is not married (nor does he intend to be). The sister is married, and anything her husband says is the law, in MILs eyes. Some might say MIL is rather misogynistic, narcissistic, depressed.......attributes that are out of my realm.....



I also don't care much what others think. Except that we don't choose our family, and DH has so many unresolved issues with them (he is afraid of them). DH absolutely cares what others think, especially his abusive family, sadly. Traditionally, I would say it's no big deal, I'll just go - but then I notice how awkward the whole thing is, and I'm not normally awkward about anything. The whole environment is really negative and "off"; and MIL never ceases to amaze me with her insults (sometimes flanged at me, sometimes other people, but you can always depend on it). But then again, I think the element of surprise is not lost on her.


Ok, sounds like you have thought this through and made a choice that you think is right for yourself. Good luck.


Yep, OP came for validation, not advice.

I'm also interested in "the most horrible thing you ever heard". Yes DCUM gives advice without perfect info but examples allow us to determine if OP is the crazy one.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 19:39     Subject: Re:DH wants me to "make nice"
Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Yes, I would go. I don't really care that much what other people think and so her attempts to be nasty would not have much of an emotional effect on me. If it would mean a lot to my husband, I'd do it. I'm pretty good at being assertive without being combative.


OP here. I really appreciate most of the PPs who understand this, and have added input, thank you. I am assertive, that is the problem. Anything I say, especially if it is not stroking MIL, is "wrong", or worse. They are not a communicative family, so just about anything I say is considered "combative", easily. You get along to go along, even if what the ILs (MIL in particular,) say or do is the most horrible thing you have ever heard. In addition, DH's brother is not married (nor does he intend to be). The sister is married, and anything her husband says is the law, in MILs eyes. Some might say MIL is rather misogynistic, narcissistic, depressed.......attributes that are out of my realm.....

I also don't care much what others think. Except that we don't choose our family, and DH has so many unresolved issues with them (he is afraid of them). DH absolutely cares what others think, especially his abusive family, sadly. Traditionally, I would say it's no big deal, I'll just go - but then I notice how awkward the whole thing is, and I'm not normally awkward about anything. The whole environment is really negative and "off"; and MIL never ceases to amaze me with her insults (sometimes flanged at me, sometimes other people, but you can always depend on it). But then again, I think the element of surprise is not lost on her.


Ok, sounds like you have thought this through and made a choice that you think is right for yourself. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 19:36     Subject: Re:DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:
Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Yes, I would go. I don't really care that much what other people think and so her attempts to be nasty would not have much of an emotional effect on me. If it would mean a lot to my husband, I'd do it. I'm pretty good at being assertive without being combative.


OP here. I really appreciate most of the PPs who understand this, and have added input, thank you. I am assertive, that is the problem. Anything I say, especially if it is not stroking MIL, is "wrong", or worse. They are not a communicative family, so just about anything I say is considered "combative", easily. You get along to go along, even if what the ILs (MIL in particular,) say or do is the most horrible thing you have ever heard. In addition, DH's brother is not married (nor does he intend to be). The sister is married, and anything her husband says is the law, in MILs eyes. Some might say MIL is rather misogynistic, narcissistic, depressed.......attributes that are out of my realm.....

I also don't care much what others think. Except that we don't choose our family, and DH has so many unresolved issues with them (he is afraid of them). DH absolutely cares what others think, especially his abusive family, sadly. Traditionally, I would say it's no big deal, I'll just go - but then I notice how awkward the whole thing is, and I'm not normally awkward about anything. The whole environment is really negative and "off"; and MIL never ceases to amaze me with her insults (sometimes flanged at me, sometimes other people, but you can always depend on it). But then again, I think the element of surprise is not lost on her.

Writing about it helps me. I realize that (much like his abusive past) DH wants me to sweep the ILs behavior under the rug; and be robotic about MIL, which is not going to happen.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 18:22     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some of these posters are nutty. I don't know why they're calling OP a brat or suggesting her husband is a better person for visiting her family who treats him well vs her visiting MIL who treats her like crap.

OP, I would not visit her. In group settings, if you see her, I would be cordial but nothing more.


agree with this.


Same here. Your DH is the one who should be shutting her down. If he won't, don't go.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 17:45     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:Without examples this doesn't mean much and doesn't reflect well on you, OP.


Uhh pretty much everything on this board has to be taken at face value and advice given based on that. Just FYI.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 17:28     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:Some of these posters are nutty. I don't know why they're calling OP a brat or suggesting her husband is a better person for visiting her family who treats him well vs her visiting MIL who treats her like crap.

OP, I would not visit her. In group settings, if you see her, I would be cordial but nothing more.


agree with this.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 17:26     Subject: Re:DH wants me to "make nice"
Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Yes, I would go. I don't really care that much what other people think and so her attempts to be nasty would not have much of an emotional effect on me. If it would mean a lot to my husband, I'd do it. I'm pretty good at being assertive without being combative.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 17:01     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:Some of these posters are nutty. I don't know why they're calling OP a brat or suggesting her husband is a better person for visiting her family who treats him well vs her visiting MIL who treats her like crap.

OP, I would not visit her. In group settings, if you see her, I would be cordial but nothing more.


+1

Because Mil is on this thread today!
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 16:35     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Without examples this doesn't mean much and doesn't reflect well on you, OP.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 16:34     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Anonymous wrote:No. If she is as bad as you say, then I would not subject myself to her abuse.


+1. I would also be concerned that your child/ren would see you being verbally abused and just taking it.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 15:03     Subject: Re:DH wants me to "make nice"
I know how you feel! i went through this with DH's extended family. My MIL/FIL were very nice but the extended family wasn't. I am not of their ethnic group and they treated me like shit - every single event. DH and I nearly didn't get married because of his reticence/refusal in addressing it. After a lot of counseling, I decided i would no longer go to his family events. He was welcome to go himself (and take our kids after we had them) but I would not go. Why in the world would i subject myself to rudeness, meanness and toxicity?

That was nearly 20 years ago. My youngest is in middle school and all the kids are balking at going to extended family events. They don't like the dynamics and how that side interacts with each other. They've gotten pissed when they've heard DH's extended family say negative things about me. We've discussed it as a family. I want my kids to know that no matter who it is, they deserve to be treated politely. If my kids find themselves in my position, I hope their partners would set boundaries but if their partners aren't, i want them to know that they have the power to do so.

No way I'd 'make nice' with the woman you've described.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 14:06     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
I don't think you need to "grovel", but it would be nice for your DH's sake (and for your children) to grin and bear it. Elderly people aren't going to change. Not an excuse, just how it is. And it sounds like from your DH's perspective it is more important to maintain the relationship with all its faults than to be estranged, however justified you may be in your feelings. We had a similar issue with a member of my family (admittedly very difficult), where DW simply refused to make nice and get along. I'm now basically estranged from that part of my family, and I resent DW for her significant role in that. I think you owe it to your spouse not to ruin or place stress upon a family relationship that ultimately is important to him, even if it is not important to you and you can easily walk away while feeling good and righteous and very certain that you are not at fault.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 13:50     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
I feel like you have an issue with DH, if he is seeing how mean she is to you but trying to get you to appease her nonetheless. How have your conversations gone with him on this point?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 13:46     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
Some of these posters are nutty. I don't know why they're calling OP a brat or suggesting her husband is a better person for visiting her family who treats him well vs her visiting MIL who treats her like crap.

OP, I would not visit her. In group settings, if you see her, I would be cordial but nothing more.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2016 12:44     Subject: DH wants me to "make nice"
No. If she is as bad as you say, then I would not subject myself to her abuse.