Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.

We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.

Why do you waste your time on them? Why visit them or talk on the phone, etc. when you know they are going to torment you? Your mother treats you like a child and you let her.

Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.

We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.

I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.

No, you COULD leave. And THEY are being the bitches, not you. Stop putting up with this! You're teaching your children to put up with people treating THEM like shit. You set the example for them.

Theoretically we could have. But we didn't have a car (flew in, drove their spare around). I'm not making excuses, just pointing out that the line isn't always as easy people think.

Yes you are making excuses. You could have called a cab.

Again, we didn't have a carseat. My parents bought one for me to use at their house. Just stop - you don't know the background.

Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.

I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.

No, you COULD leave. And THEY are being the bitches, not you. Stop putting up with this! You're teaching your children to put up with people treating THEM like shit. You set the example for them.

Theoretically we could have. But we didn't have a car (flew in, drove their spare around). I'm not making excuses, just pointing out that the line isn't always as easy people think.

Yes you are making excuses. You could have called a cab.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.

I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.

Then be the bitch. They don't deserve your time or effort.

And what also bothers me is that right this second, DH is more successful (just isn't being groomed and everyone sees the writing on the wall) and no one brags about him except me - and then they argue about it or sneer. I just don't get these people.

Sounds like a personal problem OP. I have a feeling you think this is going on but inside it's you being ashamed of your husband because you want to brag and can't.

My BIL is a multi millionaire. You would never know it though. He and my sister never bring it up, never flaunt their wealth, live a very nice lifestyle yet act like they are just normal everyday people.

IF this is going on, someone needs etiquette classes. And remember, when the explosion happens, the ones at the top looking down on the little people fall the hardest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.

I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.

No, you COULD leave. And THEY are being the bitches, not you. Stop putting up with this! You're teaching your children to put up with people treating THEM like shit. You set the example for them.

Theoretically we could have. But we didn't have a car (flew in, drove their spare around). I'm not making excuses, just pointing out that the line isn't always as easy people think.

Anonymous wrote:You know, over Christmas I walked away from one of these discussions. I ended up the bad guy because I left our three year old downstairs while I sulked upstairs about it. I really feel like I can't win here.

I know, I know, don't go back, but that's definitely a family dynamics thing that prevents excluding them for our lives.

OP a lesson from Dan Shapiro's "Raising Your Challenging Child" class came to mind. He teaches parents how to ignore badly-behaved children so as to discourage the bad behavior in the moment. In this case, you would have walked away from the conversation (you could have walked towards the three year old, not upstairs), but in a low key way and without the sulking. You can also address SIL's comments directly, but in the moment when you're upset isn't going to be the best time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.

I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.

No, you COULD leave. And THEY are being the bitches, not you. Stop putting up with this! You're teaching your children to put up with people treating THEM like shit. You set the example for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.

I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.

I'd draw a hard line on this one. It's just plain rude, regardless of family dynamics. I wouldn't take a stranger speaking about my DH that way, and I wouldn't take it from family either. Be the bigger bitch, op. Hang up the phone. If its in person, leave the room, or the event if necessary. It's not okay, and you should be showing them by your actions that it's not okay.

You know, over Christmas I walked away from one of these discussions. I ended up the bad guy because I left our three year old downstairs while I sulked upstairs about it. I really feel like I can't win here.

I know, I know, don't go back, but that's definitely a family dynamics thing that prevents excluding them for our lives.

You need to have the conversation calmly and not in the heat of the moment. Call them and lay it on the line. Be clear at how furious you are and hurtful you find it. Use "I" statements. Ask for an apology directly. If they choose not to change, then consider going low contact for a while. Who cares if you are the bad guy?

Also, no sulking. Face it head on and be clear about your feelings. If it doesn't change, you pack up your family and leave. Remember we teach people how to treat us. Don't accept such disrespect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you stick up for your husband and tell your family in no uncertain terms that the comparisons must stop or they won't be seeing you and your family? If they are as blatant as you suggest, this is not difficult.

I've tried. They just laughed and told me not to take things so personally.

Your parents, brother and SIL are jerks. Sorry, OP.

Cut them out of your life. Only see them once a year. Life to too short to deal with aholes.

Anonymous wrote:Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.

I know. But we were staying with them over Christmas - not DH, he was home working - so we couldn't just leave. And yes, I used to have more of a mama bear reaction to things like this, and everyone said I was a bitch, so I backed down.

Don't sulk. Calmly say "Thanks for the hospitality" and leave. They are rude people. Would Miss Manners approve? Clearly no. Do not stick around for this. Of course they'll complain about you. So what? It is not okay for you to expose your husband to this. Imagine they were saying this about one of your kids. Would your momma bear instinct put up with this? Don't let them do it to anyone in your family. Leave.