Anonymous
Post 01/14/2016 18:08     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
OP, what kind of place does she live in? A house she's had forever and refuses to give up? A large apartment? Is she able to downsize into a studio to cut her bills? What about food stamps, as PP suggested? If she's keeping up a lifestyle beyond her means, that's her problem. No one deserves to live in a big house with two cars they don't want to give up just cuz. And I don't care how old they are. At this point, she's not earning it; you're paying for it all. There are plenty of affordable studio apartments all over the country. You can even buy a small studio in a place like NYC for $120K or less.

Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 21:04     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
Emotionally abusive mother who directed alcoholic father to carry out the physical abuse on her behalf. I have no contact. Being with them makes me anxious and angry, and the feeling lasts for long after. Extensive therapy has enabled me to be a happy, high-functioning person with healthy relationships with my own spouse and child. But there is nothing I could ever do to make me less disgusted with the way they treat me. I'm finally cut off contact with them when she called my husband Hitler in front of my kid.

I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 19:58     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
There's no magic set of criteria that one can use to decide whether to sever family ties. I know abuse survivors whose health and happiness necessitates ceasing all contact with a parent, and others who decide their own limits around supporting their parents. My own mother was at her mother's side through every stage of aging and dying, even though her mother was just despicable and abusive and my mother has lifelong trauma from her childhood. It was a decision she made, that I think related to my mother's sense of grace and mercy and not some economy of what's owed.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 17:38     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
Anonymous wrote:Parenting has taught me one irrefutable lesson: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.


It wasn't until I had kids that I realized just how horrific my childhood was. No one needs perfect, just good enough.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 15:40     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
My grandparents largely raised me, although my parents really did their best within the constraints of their mental illness and addiction, respectively. I am in contact with both of my parents but do not help them financially.

My DH was abused by his mother, who was a teenager when he was born, as well by a subsequent step-father (cigarette burns, no bed). He does not speak to her, but occasionally speaks to his birth father, although only after his father reached out when DH was in his 30s.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 14:59     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.


If they are stingy and never gave you a dime after high school, they should have enough for assisted living or an independent caregiver. You can help them find a place or person and they can pay for it.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 14:27     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 13:13     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
Some people don't understand what a bad parent is, mine abandoned me when I was 9 and only ever called to talk about her latest boyfriends. Never visited, never attended any birthday's or graduations. Now that she is old, and doesn't have anymore men to chase she is interested in having contact to talk about herself. Well, guess what? I don't have time for her now. I have children care for, and at times feel a bit guilty, but mostly just feel angry that she thinks she can come around now and be in my life.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 12:58     Subject: Re:Question for those with difficult childhoods
My parents were emotionally abusive to me; they're not getting a dime from me. But that's because I don't have any leftover money to give. If I did, I would certainly give it but I certainly wouldn't be emotionally involved in any way.

OP - you said you have siblings. Give what you can, IF you want, and have your siblings handle it.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 12:54     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
My mom made some unforgivable mistakes. I kept a relationship until I had kids and it really hit home for me how terrible of a parent she is. She still has yet to admit to her mistakes. Don't talk to her at all. I don't want my kids kids subjected to all the toxicity that comes along with her and a lot of my family. Extremely sad and I wish it wasn't that way but it is.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 12:39     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
Anonymous wrote:My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.


There is so much wrong with this statement. You are raising your children to feel obligated to take care of you when they should be focused on their families when they are grown. This is a selfish, not selfless, reason.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 12:31     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
Anonymous wrote:How much contact with your parents do you have now? How much do you help support them?

My dad passed away. My mom is still alive. Admittedly she did a better job than my dad but was still a pretty horrible parent and role model in a lot of ways, which is reflected by her current life situation... basically requiring my brother and me to support her if we don't want her out on the street. I'm happy to provide some monetary support but I'm conflicted about how involved to be in her life. I like to think I've build a good life for myself in spite of my difficult upbringing, but being around her brings up all that old anger, resentment, feelings of life not being fair, etc. Friends have parents paying for down payments on fancy houses while I'm paying out to my mom every month to keep her afloat. It's not just about money, but more about sadness for not having a stable family of origin.

Anyway, I digress. Should I cut my mom out more or less because of the damage it does to me? Or it is my responsibility as a daughter to do a better job than she did with me?


What exactly made her a bad parent. Was she just the working poor and could not provide you with all the necessities that your friends had? Or, was she a drug addict who neglected you and your brother, thus requiring you to fend for yourself? I think there is a difference.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 12:13     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 12:05     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
Anonymous wrote:Parenting has taught me one irrefutable lesson: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.


This is what I thought. I think OP is young, childless, and envious of others' wealth. Mother didn't model healthy relationships? OMG, yes, she deserves to be shot on sight.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 11:17     Subject: Question for those with difficult childhoods
Tell her college will be $300,000 so effective after March you can't give her money anymore.