Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

She's worried about you and your children. Shame on you for not seeing that.

Shame on me?! I was 40 years old, established in my career, had live-in childcare and own a home. At some point you have to sit back and support your child's choices. I don't think it's asking too much of your parents to be happy for you.

You missed what the poster was saying. This isn't about you!

So m mom's feelings are valid (concern), but mine aren't (disappointment) ? Sorry, you aren't selling me on that one.

I never said I didn't forgive her for her very very delayed response. I said I wouldn't forget it.

As long as you have a guardian for both children who is not your parents and adequate life insurance to care for your children in the event of your death, I wouldn't have a problem with your choice, pp.

PP, this is OP. You're right that there's perhaps an element of a double standard or hypocrisy in some of the comments in this thread, but there are some important and relevant and legit issues. First, I'd be the child's guardian if something happens to her. So I'm not just weighing in and being judgemental for the sake of it - this potentially affects me in a major way.

Second, if she was married, she probably wouldn't be asking me if she should have a second kid - she'd just decide with her spouse. And if she DID ask me, I'd want to tell her pretty much the same thing I want to tell her now - that I don't think it's a great idea. She wants her DD to have a sibling, I get that. But she also wants to provide her child with other opportunities we didn't have growing up, experiences that will be a lot harder to provide with 2 kids. It's like she's only seeing the advantages of creating a sibling without thinking through what she'd be giving up or leaving ANY cushion for some hard times. And if the kid has additional developmental needs, there's no extra parent who can stay home from work or conversely, take an extra shift - her job arrangement is stable but simply insufficient.

plus it seems like such a Hail Mary that it's almost like throwing out money (not quite...but almost). IUI at 40 is tough!

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is a very personal choice, and you should not weigh in on it at all. If there is a way you can convey that your sister should not count on you to support her financially or logistically (provide child care etc.), then by all means do so. But the decision to have (more) children should lie with your sister and her alone.

I wonder whether this would even be a thread if the sister were married but in the same financial situation. Would people still feel free to weigh in on a married couple's decision to procreate?

OP, this is a very personal choice, and you should not weigh in on it at all. If there is a way you can convey that your sister should not count on you to support her financially or logistically (provide child care etc.), then by all means do so. But the decision to have (more) children should lie with your sister and her alone.

A single mom that I know just had her "Hail Mary" pass second baby making venture funded by her parents. I think it's an early inheritance (at least on paper). I wish her the best, but wonder about the finances as well. Ultimately, is she died before baby reaches 18, her parents would bear the financial burden of raising it and possibly DC1. No one would be impoverished, but I wish she had at least considered adoption. We have another friend who just brought home a four day old biracial baby girl with no special needs through foster adoption. She was approved only 30 days before and had to make a massive target run on her way home from the hospital.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

She's worried about you and your children. Shame on you for not seeing that.

Shame on me?! I was 40 years old, established in my career, had live-in childcare and own a home. At some point you have to sit back and support your child's choices. I don't think it's asking too much of your parents to be happy for you.

You missed what the poster was saying. This isn't about you!

So m mom's feelings are valid (concern), but mine aren't (disappointment) ? Sorry, you aren't selling me on that one.

I never said I didn't forgive her for her very very delayed response. I said I wouldn't forget it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

She's worried about you and your children. Shame on you for not seeing that.

Shame on me?! I was 40 years old, established in my career, had live-in childcare and own a home. At some point you have to sit back and support your child's choices. I don't think it's asking too much of your parents to be happy for you.

You missed what the poster was saying. This isn't about you!

There is a BIG difference between being a single mom of 1 versus 2 kids. As a single woman, I also persued fertility treaments, and ultimately adopted 2 years ago. I had my family's support (financially, emotionally.) I feel beyond fortunate that I am a mom, despite the odds against me. I do NOT want 2 kids...but even if I did, I would not be able to afford it. I think your sister should be happy she is a mom of 1, and not go for 2...why push your luck financially and otherwise...

Who is the future father for #2 if your sister is single? Maybe she is counting on financial support from that side. Don't be negative, but offer as much support as you can without being hypocritical - if it means little support, so be it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be a serious stretch. And any hope of meaningful saving for college, retirement, etc... would go out the window. But I feel like that's obvious and I can't point it out in any way that doesn't sound high and mighty.

Just say it. "I will support whatever decision you make. I love you and Chloe and am concerned about both your futures if you stretch your finances to accommodate a second child. Your ability to save for retirement and Chloe's college education. It's a big undertaking."

+1 Tell her it's her decision and you will support her, but that you are concerned about the financial consequences.

+1 This is worded very well. Listen to how she responds. You may have an opening to give her some advice, but also be prepared to dropped it if her mind is completely made up.

Anonymous wrote:What does "support her" - support her decision, mean? It shouldn't mean having to tell her it's the right decision. It shouldn't mean having to listen to her problems and soothing her with comments that everything will be alright. It shouldn't be listening to her problems and needing to coming up with a solution to a problem of her own making. Love should never be about having to agree with someone's else's choices (as long as they are moral) At worst requiring "support" can be emotional manipulation. Love means you agree with me. Period.

EXACTLY. An earlier poster, said that you should expect your parents to be happy for you. Why? I expect my parents want the best for me, and how I see that and how they see it may vary from time to time. The same could be said for me and my kids. Love does not mean "supporting" or agreeing with everything a person does. It means loving them thru even the times you do not agree with them.

What does "support her" - support her decision, mean? It shouldn't mean having to tell her it's the right decision. It shouldn't mean having to listen to her problems and soothing her with comments that everything will be alright. It shouldn't be listening to her problems and needing to coming up with a solution to a problem of her own making. Love should never be about having to agree with someone's else's choices (as long as they are moral) At worst requiring "support" can be emotional manipulation. Love means you agree with me. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be a serious stretch. And any hope of meaningful saving for college, retirement, etc... would go out the window. But I feel like that's obvious and I can't point it out in any way that doesn't sound high and mighty.

Just say it. "I will support whatever decision you make. I love you and Chloe and am concerned about both your futures if you stretch your finances to accommodate a second child. Your ability to save for retirement and Chloe's college education. It's a big undertaking."

+1 Tell her it's her decision and you will support her, but that you are concerned about the financial consequences.

If she has not asked your opinion or asked you if you want to be guardian of the second kid then do not say anything. If she asks about you being guardian of number 2 then ask about her financial plans, insurance, etc. , otherwise say nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

She's worried about you and your children. Shame on you for not seeing that.

Shame on me?! I was 40 years old, established in my career, had live-in childcare and own a home. At some point you have to sit back and support your child's choices. I don't think it's asking too much of your parents to be happy for you.

I'm w/ you! I'm irked by the sanctimoniousness of many responses here. The OP described a loving great mother, who is also single and challenged financially. We're not talking about a naive 20 year old, or a drug addict, or someone bringing a child into an abusive relationship, or any number of other poor scenarios.

I think any conversation that is driven by criticism of the woman's desire to have a second child, based on judgment about her finances, is guaranteed to be hurtful. It's a bad idea.

Give your opinion if asked, or express concerns if you anticipate being asked to be the legal guardian of multiple kids, but otherwise keep your mouth shut.