Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the cookie out of your child's hand and hand it back to the grandparent. Then repeat "no more sweets." Make it awkward.

+1

Why deliberately be a jerk to your parents or in-laws when they mean well? They are not trying to harm your kid - they love them and are thrilled to have a grandchild. Just have a nice conversation with them. Geez, what is wrong with you people?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I meant this question to be more general because I hear this term so often and was wondering how others deal. We see grandparents very often and it's not a special occasion when they see them.

My mom lives with us (temporarily) so follows our rules in our home. But when she takes DD to her home for a week with just the grandparents, it's dessert every day and a more permissive environment. I'm fine with this. It makes her time with her grandparents fun and special and allows them to spoil her just enough.

Anonymous wrote:Is this really the hill you want to die on?

I mean, they could just decide to stop looking after your kid on random date nights/weekends/etc (and for free/cost of gas to get out there, I'm guessing), and devote their time to playing bridge or going on cruises.

But I suppose you'd complain about that, too.

+1. All these posts make me feel both thankful and blessed for the relationship DH and I have with our parents and their relationships with our kids. We have never once interpreted our parents giving our kids a treat as a sign of trying to undermine our parenting. We've just viewed it as grandparents relishing in their roles to be able to spoil the kids or break the routine/rules once in a while because they are, you know, grandparents. We are grateful they are willing to help and if that means a break in routine or rules, the benefits far outweigh the negatives of an extra cookie.

Is this really the hill you want to die on?

I mean, they could just decide to stop looking after your kid on random date nights/weekends/etc (and for free/cost of gas to get out there, I'm guessing), and devote their time to playing bridge or going on cruises.

But I suppose you'd complain about that, too.

Anonymous wrote:It's really not even just about child raising. It's about respect. It's about respecting you.

Yes. We relax bedtimes, treats, etc. when grandparents are around, but everyone knows that mom and dad have the final say. It's not about us being unreasonably controlling, it's about us being the parents and having the final say if there is ever a question.

If my parents or in laws ever tried that, I'd take the cookie (or whatever the particular situation was) and say "parent veto" and wink back. But if there was regular disrespect it's better to discuss it at a separate time. When people are tired or trying to make a point about something, it'll just turn into a pissing contest.

It's really not even just about child raising. It's about respect. It's about respecting you.

I think "grandparents' prerogative" as something given/allowed by the parents, rather than an authority taken from the parents. When we have grandparents visiting, we allow the kids to stay up later, have more sweet than usual (grandparents tend to bring a dessert with them), and get extra babying, whereas we normally expect a great deal of independence.

But we do all of that because the grandparents generally respect what we're trying to accomplish and they're not out to oppose us. With what you describe, I would be much firmer and if that meant not hanging out at Grandma's, I might make that call and instead insist on hosting at our place, where we simply don't have the sweets to serve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with the grandparents' prerogative and how can I nip it in the bud? For instance I will say no more sweets. And then in front of me they will hand the child a cookie and say "grandparent's prerogative!" and wink like it's cute. And that's just what happens in front of my eyes, I'm sure a lot happens when I don't see it. We have great, loving parents but this happens with both my inlaws (where I'm less powerless to complain) and my parents too. I'm not a controlling person either.

Say that only applies in their house. Their house -- their rules. Your house -- your rules. No BS exceptions

My kids are 9 & 10. They know that grandparents are not parents and don't set the rules, and sometimes, are a little crazy.
They also know that they are less dependanble (in my case).

If they get sweets and it isn't time, they ask me if they can eat it.
I often say I don't care or "think about how you are going to feel later."

My parent thinks this is controlling and that I am keeping my kids in a hostage like situation.

That's fine.

It is never really about the cookie.

My parent can undermine me because it doesn't make an impression anymore.

Truth-If I want to be "the fun guy" but have to be the bad guy (wearing PJs all day or having pizza 2 nights in a row) and grandparents want to spread some pixie dust and do this, it is nice. I know my children will have a handful of memories of time with these people. If it isn't unsafe, I'm inclined to not see it as a power struggle.

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with the grandparents' prerogative and how can I nip it in the bud? For instance I will say no more sweets. And then in front of me they will hand the child a cookie and say "grandparent's prerogative!" and wink like it's cute. And that's just what happens in front of my eyes, I'm sure a lot happens when I don't see it. We have great, loving parents but this happens with both my inlaws (where I'm less powerless to complain) and my parents too. I'm not a controlling person either.

Say that only applies in their house. Their house -- their rules. Your house -- your rules. No BS exceptions

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have wonderful parents and in-laws. We are the last with the grand kids. They are too old now to watch them for any length of time nor do we expect them to.

I would let some cookies slide. Life is short. Kids will be fine. Now if they see them everyday it would be a problem.

My FIL is a retired dentist and gives little chocolate treats. As long as the brush and floss it is all good.

Yup. OP, you are a controlling person. Relax.

It's not the sweets. It's the grandparents telling their grandchildren that grandparents are free to overrule parents because they feel like it.

That is a power play by the grandparents, completely disrespectful, and sets a terrible example and precedent that could come back to bite everyone.

It's not about the cookie. It's about those people being total dicks.

Shut them down, OP. You are the boss, no questions, no exceptions, when your kid is in the room. They can honor that or not be around.

Anonymous wrote:I have wonderful parents and in-laws. We are the last with the grand kids. They are too old now to watch them for any length of time nor do we expect them to.

I would let some cookies slide. Life is short. Kids will be fine. Now if they see them everyday it would be a problem.

My FIL is a retired dentist and gives little chocolate treats. As long as the brush and floss it is all good.

Yup. OP, you are a controlling person. Relax.

I have never heard that term before and it would really piss my off if any of the grandparents disregarded what I said right to my face. My kids need to know that what I say goes. I am pretty lax about food, but it's the principal of the matter. Especially if you see grandparents often, you don't want the kids running to them to ask them to say yes when you already said no.

"It's not cute" You could say that. Seriously, you are going to have to be firm. They are showing you tremendous disrespect - the specifics of the cookie aren't that important. What's hugely important is they are disrespecting your role as the parent right in front of YOUR children. Don't tolerate it. I just reread above. I like this ~ "Please don't undermine me in front of my child." Though I'm not sure I would say "please"