Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 20:04     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We recently had our son's Bar Mitzvah. We received gifts ranging from $18 from my son's friends to $500 from relatives and everything in between ($100 gifts from families, $54 from singles, $36 for non-attendees, etc.) What I was most impressed with was that most people gave him nice Bar Mitzvah cards rather than generic "Congratulation" ones, many non-Jews who knew about the multiples of $18 (perhaps learned here on DCUM!), and especially the effort people made to come to the event. That is what we will remember. We ended up giving a percentage to my son's favorite charity anyway. Give what you feel comfortable with and how close you are with the family. Write a meaningful sentiment in the card and you won't go wrong.



I had been planning to give a happy birthday card and write congratulations...not ok?


It's fine. I'm the person who wrote that. I was actually impressed that he got Bar Mitzvah cards because I'm usually lazy and give generic blank cards that I have in the house, and I'm Jewish! So when my son received all these Bar Mitzvah cards, I was actually surprised and touched that people put more effort into buying him a card than I usually do. But a Happy Birthday card and Congratulations (or Mazel Tov!) is perfectly fine. Have fun!
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 19:55     Subject: Re:Bat Mitzvah gift
My DS's two favorite gifts were a large, beautiful atlas (expensive) and a small pillow with an iPhone speaker in it (under $20). You don't have to give money at all.

We had him designate a charity so that people who didn't know him well (out friends) could choose that. All cash gifts went into a savings account for travel/internships during college.

Seriously, the PP who says its like a wedding and don't be cheap is an anomaly - the rest of us are happy you want to celebrate with our child.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 15:09     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We recently had our son's Bar Mitzvah. We received gifts ranging from $18 from my son's friends to $500 from relatives and everything in between ($100 gifts from families, $54 from singles, $36 for non-attendees, etc.) What I was most impressed with was that most people gave him nice Bar Mitzvah cards rather than generic "Congratulation" ones, many non-Jews who knew about the multiples of $18 (perhaps learned here on DCUM!), and especially the effort people made to come to the event. That is what we will remember. We ended up giving a percentage to my son's favorite charity anyway. Give what you feel comfortable with and how close you are with the family. Write a meaningful sentiment in the card and you won't go wrong.



I had been planning to give a happy birthday card and write congratulations...not ok?


You can. It's not offensive or anything. But if you're going to buy a card, most CVSs, Targets, etc. have bar/bat mitzvah cards (bar for boys, bat for girls) so you might as well get that. Or if you're going to make one, same thing. But if you already bought the card, just go with it. Unless they are weird/greedy like some of the PPs, they will just be glad you're attending and will appreciate you stepping out of your comfort zone to celebrate with them. And if they are horrible, you wouldn't be friends with them, right?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 11:28     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another jewish mom of a girl. A bat mitzvah is significantly more tag a birthday party. The party is similar to a wedding, only it's more as the child learns and recites many prayers at the service. It will cost our family roughly 55,000. Would you attend a wedding and not give a gift. 200 for a family of 3 and 54 if just your child attends. It's not all about the gift, but don't be cheap.


So because you are going overboard with the party you expect your GUESTS to give higher value gifts? Tacky all around.


No I don't expect my guests to "go overboard" but I expect my guests to WANT to GIVE an appropriate gift that recognizes the religious signifance and expense involved - it's not just a birthday cake and pizza and the money will be put away for college, not spent the first weekend at the mall and based on your obnoxious comment you don't realize this at all. I am not inviting people for the gift, but these posters claiming "just make a 5 dollar donation to a chairing and the family will not know the amount" well they are acting like jerks.


Well, if it is about "the money will be put away for college" then shouldn't I give more to those who can't afford a big party? After all, if you can pay $50k for this simcha, paying for college should be a snap, no?

OP - reread the posts from those who say "what we care about is that you share the day with us" and follow their advice. Don't listen to those focused on the $.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 11:19     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:Wow. We differ too. I didn't read on here where anyone said to "give a $5 gift to a charity because the parents wouldn't know anyway," but honestly, if a $5 gift were all a family felt comfortable with, I wouldn't care at all. DD has friends from a very wide socioeconomic range, which is what we like and appreciate. The $15k we are spending on her Bat Mitzvah is a lot of money for us but again, but it's nowhere near where some of her friends could pay, while others wouldnt be able to come close to this. How much we do or don't spend has nothing to do with what we expect in return. What we expect are that guests will give the day the appropriate level of respect and reverence on DD's account, they will come to the party ready to have a great time, and they will appreciate the significance of the day. I honestly could not care less what gifts she gets or even if she gets gifts at all.

+1

When DS has his bar mitzvah, we'll be living in an area with very few Jews. We will be thrilled to share the experience with his friends and our family, with or without gifts. It's not about recouping expenses, but about the experience of becoming a bar mitzvah.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 10:44     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:We recently had our son's Bar Mitzvah. We received gifts ranging from $18 from my son's friends to $500 from relatives and everything in between ($100 gifts from families, $54 from singles, $36 for non-attendees, etc.) What I was most impressed with was that most people gave him nice Bar Mitzvah cards rather than generic "Congratulation" ones, many non-Jews who knew about the multiples of $18 (perhaps learned here on DCUM!), and especially the effort people made to come to the event. That is what we will remember. We ended up giving a percentage to my son's favorite charity anyway. Give what you feel comfortable with and how close you are with the family. Write a meaningful sentiment in the card and you won't go wrong.



I had been planning to give a happy birthday card and write congratulations...not ok?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 09:27     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Wow. We differ too. I didn't read on here where anyone said to "give a $5 gift to a charity because the parents wouldn't know anyway," but honestly, if a $5 gift were all a family felt comfortable with, I wouldn't care at all. DD has friends from a very wide socioeconomic range, which is what we like and appreciate. The $15k we are spending on her Bat Mitzvah is a lot of money for us but again, but it's nowhere near where some of her friends could pay, while others wouldnt be able to come close to this. How much we do or don't spend has nothing to do with what we expect in return. What we expect are that guests will give the day the appropriate level of respect and reverence on DD's account, they will come to the party ready to have a great time, and they will appreciate the significance of the day. I honestly could not care less what gifts she gets or even if she gets gifts at all.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 05:36     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another jewish mom of a girl. A bat mitzvah is significantly more tag a birthday party. The party is similar to a wedding, only it's more as the child learns and recites many prayers at the service. It will cost our family roughly 55,000. Would you attend a wedding and not give a gift. 200 for a family of 3 and 54 if just your child attends. It's not all about the gift, but don't be cheap.


So because you are going overboard with the party you expect your GUESTS to give higher value gifts? Tacky all around.


No I don't expect my guests to "go overboard" but I expect my guests to WANT to GIVE an appropriate gift that recognizes the religious signifance and expense involved - it's not just a birthday cake and pizza and the money will be put away for college, not spent the first weekend at the mall and based on your obnoxious comment you don't realize this at all. I am not inviting people for the gift, but these posters claiming "just make a 5 dollar donation to a chairing and the family will not know the amount" well they are acting like jerks.


This is where you differ from me. I wanted my guests to come and have a good time. To celebrate the day. I found I did not care about what DD got as presents. Heck, in hindsight, she would probably have been happier if everyone brought her her favorite article of clothing: hoodies.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 01:04     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another jewish mom of a girl. A bat mitzvah is significantly more tag a birthday party. The party is similar to a wedding, only it's more as the child learns and recites many prayers at the service. It will cost our family roughly 55,000. Would you attend a wedding and not give a gift. 200 for a family of 3 and 54 if just your child attends. It's not all about the gift, but don't be cheap.


So because you are going overboard with the party you expect your GUESTS to give higher value gifts? Tacky all around.


No I don't expect my guests to "go overboard" but I expect my guests to WANT to GIVE an appropriate gift that recognizes the religious signifance and expense involved - it's not just a birthday cake and pizza and the money will be put away for college, not spent the first weekend at the mall and based on your obnoxious comment you don't realize this at all. I am not inviting people for the gift, but these posters claiming "just make a 5 dollar donation to a chairing and the family will not know the amount" well they are acting like jerks.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 00:19     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:Another jewish mom of a girl. A bat mitzvah is significantly more tag a birthday party. The party is similar to a wedding, only it's more as the child learns and recites many prayers at the service. It will cost our family roughly 55,000. Would you attend a wedding and not give a gift. 200 for a family of 3 and 54 if just your child attends. It's not all about the gift, but don't be cheap.


So because you are going overboard with the party you expect your GUESTS to give higher value gifts? Tacky all around.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2016 00:03     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
We recently had our son's Bar Mitzvah. We received gifts ranging from $18 from my son's friends to $500 from relatives and everything in between ($100 gifts from families, $54 from singles, $36 for non-attendees, etc.) What I was most impressed with was that most people gave him nice Bar Mitzvah cards rather than generic "Congratulation" ones, many non-Jews who knew about the multiples of $18 (perhaps learned here on DCUM!), and especially the effort people made to come to the event. That is what we will remember. We ended up giving a percentage to my son's favorite charity anyway. Give what you feel comfortable with and how close you are with the family. Write a meaningful sentiment in the card and you won't go wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2016 15:20     Subject: Bat Mitzvah gift
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Another jewish mom of a girl. A bat mitzvah is significantly more tag a birthday party. The party is similar to a wedding, only it's more as the child learns and recites many prayers at the service. It will cost our family roughly 55,000. Would you attend a wedding and not give a gift. 200 for a family of 3 and 54 if just your child attends. It's not all about the gift, but don't be cheap.


And my DD's very nice Bat Mitzvah was $15K. We had 90 people. I did not care what we got. I was just happy that she did a good job and had fun.



Our very nice Bar Mitzvah came in around $10. The party was nothing like a wedding.


that's $10k. we felt lucky we could do that.