Anonymous
01/05/2016 14:34
Subject: Don't know how to deal with depressed mother
My mother also places her happiness in the hands of others (well-put, pp!). My father failed her and continues to fail her in that respect and she turned to me and my brother to make her life worth living. I went away to college and never moved back, knowing that doing so would cause me to be sucked back into that paralyzing family dysfunction. The youngest, my brother, also sensitive and doted upon by my mother, never was able to leave her alone for long. He never married and still lives at home, caring for both my parents in their old age. My mother has become a very critical and demanding person in her eighties. Be supportive from afar.
Anonymous
01/04/2016 19:43
Subject: Re:Don't know how to deal with depressed mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, guys, these are all great suggestions, and I plan to use them. (Except for one, you know who you are).
I feel bad for her, and I worry that I will become the same way. I feel like it is genetic in a way. Her whole side seems to be very "woe is me"/"I have the hardest life ever. " I do love her and she was/is a good mom in many ways, which is why I want her to feel ok. But I feel that she places her happiness in the hands of others, mainly myself, and it's a very heavy burden to bear, especially since I am myself trying to just keep my head above water with small children, a full time job and health issues. And of course, I am the type of person who is affected very easily by others' moods (is there a scientific classification for that?), so it's all just a perfect, crappy storm.
The issue is, she is not mothering you, and she should be. I don't know if she is capable of that. You might feel like you are missing out, understandably. But IRL, there is only so much you can do to help her, OP. Unless you are a certified professional, which I take you are not. And, she might be playing you, since you are a captive audience.
You will NOT be like her, because you know HOW to not be like her!
Anonymous
01/04/2016 19:40
Subject: Don't know how to deal with depressed mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't see you turning this around. You have too little patience for your mother's misery (whatever the reason). You will not be able to empathize, before you experience a profound (likely negative) life event. She would definitely not turn around, because old age goes hand in hand with depression.
I am sorry, what? I have been talking her out of funks for years, this is not new. How exactly am I supposed to empathize here? And I have experienced a major life-threatening life event, so what was that supposed to do to me that it didn't? If anything, it taught me to appreciate how precious and imperfect life is and that I should embrace it. Please tell me what I can do for her to help her see that as well.
+1
OP, NP here. This is my MIL. You are not going to change her. She is on her own. You need to take care of yourself and YOUR family.