Anonymous wrote:Is he hiding you from his ex? Was he married? Men are weird. A friend of mine was cheated on and divorced. Her ex, for years, would hide any women in his life. Immediately untag, immediately hide info after people have seen it, etc. I guess to pretend he's a saint? His argument was also that he didn't want people knowing about him. He hid his AP for 8 years. 8 years of untagging pictures on FB, Instagram, etc. If it were me, I'd have deleted my account, but I guess he wanted to keep tabs. Either way, why be with that type of guy?

Or because the ex is a nut job that will track down people in his life and harass them...

Is he hiding you from his ex? Was he married? Men are weird. A friend of mine was cheated on and divorced. Her ex, for years, would hide any women in his life. Immediately untag, immediately hide info after people have seen it, etc. I guess to pretend he's a saint? His argument was also that he didn't want people knowing about him. He hid his AP for 8 years. 8 years of untagging pictures on FB, Instagram, etc. If it were me, I'd have deleted my account, but I guess he wanted to keep tabs. Either way, why be with that type of guy?

Anonymous wrote:Dating a very nice man for a year, he is 37 I am 32. We spent the holidays with my relatives and everything was fine. We got home and something just didn't feel right to me. I think I've been ignoring some things that I shouldn't have:

My biggest goal is marriage and a family. I have a successful career.

He wants to pay off debt, go back to school and possibly take a job elsewhere. He says he wants a family but not now, before 40.

My gut tells me he has a bunch of goals that he wants to accomplish (school, debt-free, stable job) and he won't get there in the next 3 years. I also get this feeling that it is his way or the highway. He keeps saying I have to support him no matter what, I think any major decisions should be joint. My gut is also telling me that he isn't all that excited about me or is holding back because he blocks nearly everything about us online while allowing friend stuff. I've talked to him about all of these issues and he tells me I should stop trying to change him.

What say you DCUM?

While I think that it's great that he has these goals set for himself before he believes he will be ready to start a family, it really just doesn't sound like y'all are on the same page. It doesn't sound like you're trying to change him - the other way round, actually. I love my husband very much, but if he told me that I had to support him no matter what in something that did not comport with my major life plans, that would be unfair. It's not about supporting him vs. not supporting him.. It's about planning things together vs. not planning things together.

Also, the not being public about your relationship? What's up with THAT?

Anonymous wrote:Hold on girlfriend.... he has goals! he has a 5 year plan because of all the things you said he is actively working on. That's a perfect ambitious guy with career goals!! You just found yourself the alpha male we all want! Why is everyone saying to leave him? I don't get it. Steve Harvey always says to find out about his goals. He's got goals! Go for it girl. He can support you!

He has goals that conflict with OP's, and apparently has shown zero willingness to compromise any of his own goals to allow OP to reach some of hers as well. That's a big problem for the future.

It all sounds weird OP. It sounds like he's holding you at arm's length. Either he has something else going with another woman (it happens) or he's just not that into you.

A person who wants to be with you and really wants to be your partner in life will be eager to move forward with you, introduce you to his family, post about you on FB (IF that's his thing).

You're 32. You're really young. Mark my words, if you stay with this guy you'll piss away time until your late 30s and then he'll still be noncommittal or best case scenario, you wear him down and he grudgingly gets on board with having a family and fully bringing you into his life. Both those options suck.

Anonymous wrote:Hold on girlfriend.... he has goals! he has a 5 year plan because of all the things you said he is actively working on. That's a perfect ambitious guy with career goals!! You just found yourself the alpha male we all want! Why is everyone saying to leave him? I don't get it. Steve Harvey always says to find out about his goals. He's got goals! Go for it girl. He can support you!

Thanks for the laugh PP! OP here, I am looking for the positive side. Yes, he has goals. Yes, he works hard. However, he makes it seem like he has to complete all of his goals before having a family. That is the part that I object to, I don't want to wait until 35 or whenever he has completed the things he thinks he needs before having a family: grad school, debt-free, stable job. He has a job but feels that government contracting is too unstable.

Hold on girlfriend.... he has goals! he has a 5 year plan because of all the things you said he is actively working on. That's a perfect ambitious guy with career goals!! You just found yourself the alpha male we all want! Why is everyone saying to leave him? I don't get it. Steve Harvey always says to find out about his goals. He's got goals! Go for it girl. He can support you!

Listen to your gut. Something is definitely not right here. Some of the issues are plain but you don't need a smoking gun to get out of a relationship. Just leave, you can find someone better suited to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so he is 37 and about to become a student with a bunch of debt and chase his mid-life crisis dreams? Sorry girlfriend, it's not that 32 is like your clock is running out, but it is like he is NOT stable enough to get engaged, possibly ever. Not someone I'd want to rely on. You will meet him, and you will know.

I went to a professional graduate program at 36 that quadrupled my earnings in six digits when I graduated at 40....

I also deleted Facebook because I need privacy in my profession.

But I still think unless you agree with his approach, goals, he's probably not the right guy for you.

Grad school won't quadruple his earnings. It may help him advance in the government, but not to the extent that helped you. He has a Facebook and uses it, but chooses not to share or show anything about me on it. Big difference from deleting it altogether.

I hate to say this but he's not into you. Find another guy.

Anonymous wrote:You need to find someone who will adore you! Got it?! ADORE you! You should share the same goals and be excited about them together.

Please please trust your gut and run! Run fast! Don't look back or get sucked back in with broken promises.

Signed someone who did the same and found my adoring husband 6 months later at 33. Married 7 months later and first honeymoon kid at 34.

We are now married almost ten years with two kids and he still adores me and I him!

Good luck & never settle!

Yes, but before running consider that things can work out differently. As in you never meet the one who "adores" you. Or you meet him to late to have genetic children. Or any other possibility out there.

I am NOT saying stay. I'm saying it's a game, and the chances of losing are as good as chances of winning. Be at peace with that.

I'd move on. He's 37, but his goals fit better with someone a decade younger than you. He also doesn't value your relationship enough to be public about it on social media and introduce you to his parents.

Have you met his friends? Very strange that he's blocking your tags on FB but allowing others'. He can justify it all he wants but the bottom line is that he doesn't want people to know about you, for whatever reason. Something's not right there. And there doesn't seem to be much room for you in his future - he's basically saying he's going to do what he's going to do and your goals, dreams and desires are of no consequence. He knows you want kids and when you question whether you will be able to have them if you wait too long his response is, "I'll still love you"?? What a self-absorbed, narcissistic perspective. He may be a nice man but he's for and about himself.

Apart from that, you don't even share the same goals and your relationship isn't moving forward in the way that you want. You are feeling strong signals in your gut and will regret not listening to them if you remain in a relationship that goes nowhere - as PP said, you're in your prime.

He's not thinking about your welfare or your future, only his own. I would break off the relationship, hard as it may be.
if you wait three years, he'll find another reason to wait, or he'll break it off and leave you devastated (and may marry the next woman he dates, that has happened to some friends of mine). Don't put yourself in that situation.

Listen to your gut. You can have what you're looking for, but not with him.

Listen to your gut, girlfriend. Cut bait now and don't waste another minute on this dude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say listen to your gut. He doesn't sound like he's open to compromise and he's flat out said no family before 40, which takes YOU to at least 35 years old. What does he block about you online?

Yes on 35 and when I mentioned "what if we can't have kids then" his response was "if we can't I would still love you." While that was sweet, it just made me further think that kids aren't a priority. He blocks nearly every photo & tag on Facebook. He allows photos that friends or coworkers post. When I ask about it he says that he doesn't want his personal life online but has no explaination for why he allows other posts and not mine.

This is a huge red flag, in addition to the other issues. He's hiding you from someone or holding back.

Go on pipl.com and see what information comes up, as the PP said, he is hiding something.