Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Anonymous wrote:They were dealing with an immense amount of pain. And probably had very little left over emotional bandwidth to be 'polite' and ask about your DD. Yes, it wasn't nice. And Yes, you have every right to be annoyed. And you can hold on to that anger and punish them for treating you and your DD this way. Or you can be compassionate and understanding and realize they were doing the best they could during a really horrible time in their life.

This is spot on.

Anonymous wrote:F U, OP. So self-centered.

What, whose self-centered?

Oh, ffs, OP. Have some compassion. You have no idea what they've been through.

Anonymous wrote:I understand that the anger is probably about now being asked to ooh and ahh over their pregnancy and child, while yours was completely ignored.
They are expecting you to jump into line now to congratulate and welcome their child, while not welcoming yours.
And in the midst of your infertility.
I totally get why you are upset.
It's not ok to ignore a human being for 4 years.
I can't believe your husband sat through hour long conversations that didn't even once involve your daughter.
And now you know he is going to listen to hours of conversation about their child.
I don't think infertility is a pass to be downright cruel.
Sorry but I completely disagree with the previous posters

Completely agree with this, and although I am fortunate to have two kids, I've also had three miscarriages and remember the envy when a friend got pregnant during this struggle. Taking a week or two to get feelings under control when you are pregnant is understandable but what you describe is incredibly self-centered. Sorry op they sound like horrible people.

When people are in pain, sometimes they can't see anything but themselves. It's not nice, but they really can't help themselves. My XH's sisters and SIL were cold to me because I simply had secondary infertility and they had all struggled with primary (married in late 30s, first attempts to conceive in early 40s). Really cruel, nasty stuff disguised as jokes when I had an early loss. Outright emotionally abusive when I conceived again naturally years later. It was all so stupid and dick because I was hurting just as much and ultimately they each had 3 kids through donor eggs or adoption and I have only 2. His current partner has primary infertility (she also didn't TTC until early 40s) and my former SILs have this great bond based on shared pain with her.
Your SIL may never be able to understand how she hurt you. Just foster the relationship with your DD for the children's sake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had fertility issues and still asked about friend's/family's children. It's no excuse to be an asshole.

+100
They didn't have to buy her presents or see her in person, I get that. But they couldn't even ask her about her? And as soon as they are pregnant it's the FIRST thing they do, with no acknowledgment of what went before? No. You have every right to be annoyed OP. In time though I'm sure your annoyance will subside a bit because you and your husband seem like mature people.

I agree with this. Personal pain of any variety is no excuse to snub innocent relatives (children no less!) for years. It's egregious behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I had fertility issues and still asked about friend's/family's children. It's no excuse to be an asshole.

+100
They didn't have to buy her presents or see her in person, I get that. But they couldn't even ask her about her? And as soon as they are pregnant it's the FIRST thing they do, with no acknowledgment of what went before? No. You have every right to be annoyed OP. In time though I'm sure your annoyance will subside a bit because you and your husband seem like mature people.

I'm of the school of thought that sh$$ happens to people all the time and as they say it is how you deal with things. If SIL could not find it within her to acknowledge the existence of your child until she had one of her own, I think that says something about how she deals with things.. She doesn't have the strength to see outside of her own pain to even do the basic niceties. And you know what, that's okay. Maybe it took everything she had to put one foot in front of the other and keep her marriage together. But if I am going to be sympathetic with how she dealt with her hurt, I am also going to do the same and say you have the right to handle your hurt the best way you can - realizing you can't change the past or how she was with you, only the choices you make and how you go forward with her.

Since this is your DH's sister, I would let him handle that relationship. If he opts to be truthful and address the elephant in the room that he was hurt that she didn't acknowledge her niece prior that is on him. if he chooses to gloss over it and pretend it didn't happen and start sending his new nephew or niece birthday and holiday presents, that's on him to get the gifts. if he truly decides to forgive that it was hurtful without any acknowledgment or conversation - again that's his choice. My bottom line with DH's family is that he handles the issues with his family. I will only get involved when it involves me directly (like if we ever had an issue like the ones where inlaws expect everyone to jump thru hoops and use limited time and money to see them while they never see us) or if I feel like it puts unrealistic pressure on our kids like to be in a house for hours wth nothing to do and expect them to sit still and do nothing - I would bring toys/ electronics/think of activities to do. I think DH is in a better position to decide if in the history of the relationship this is one disappointed and shouldn't be the one defining moment or if it is one more things in a long history. Even if it is one more thing, he can decide if he thinks it is worth putting in the effort knowing he won't get a similar effort back but can still have some relationship with the sister, his niece/nephew, and for the kids and their first cousins. He can also decide that it isn't worth the effort if this is a pattern with the sister.

Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

Anonymous wrote:I understand that the anger is probably about now being asked to ooh and ahh over their pregnancy and child, while yours was completely ignored.
They are expecting you to jump into line now to congratulate and welcome their child, while not welcoming yours.
And in the midst of your infertility.
I totally get why you are upset.
It's not ok to ignore a human being for 4 years.
I can't believe your husband sat through hour long conversations that didn't even once involve your daughter.
And now you know he is going to listen to hours of conversation about their child.
I don't think infertility is a pass to be downright cruel.
Sorry but I completely disagree with the previous posters

+1 coming from someone who had fertility problems and miscarriages. Being distant for some amount of time is okay (post miscarriage, failed IVF, etc) but not for an entire 4-year period. Don't know what to do with this info though, if you should say something to them or not. It's a tough one. If you do say something, perhaps wait til their child arrives. A simple "We know how painful your journey must have been, and we're thrilled you have a child now. But, we are very hurt that you never acknowledged our daughter existed for the first four years of her life."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

You sound like an idiot. Truly. Insufferable.

+1000

I understand that the anger is probably about now being asked to ooh and ahh over their pregnancy and child, while yours was completely ignored.
They are expecting you to jump into line now to congratulate and welcome their child, while not welcoming yours.
And in the midst of your infertility.
I totally get why you are upset.
It's not ok to ignore a human being for 4 years.
I can't believe your husband sat through hour long conversations that didn't even once involve your daughter.
And now you know he is going to listen to hours of conversation about their child.
I don't think infertility is a pass to be downright cruel.
Sorry but I completely disagree with the previous posters

F U, OP. So self-centered.

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

Agree.