Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:28     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.


I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:25     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm team teenagers here. Two wrongs don't make a right, but you're telling me that the kids should just forget that the grandparents wanted nothing to do with them when they were kids and all of a sudden it should be water under the bridge? Uh-uh. And your MIL sounds like a real peach to comment on your parenting 15 years after you've been doing a good job.
I think back to my childhood and my grandparents would come to gymnastics meets and dance recitals, or just hang out with us, and it wasn't a case of my parents looking for a handout or free babysitting. My grandparents genuinely wanted to spend time with us and my parents.


+1

My story is different, but the result was the same. I was in my late twenties when my grandparents died, and I barely noticed. I felt no connection to them whatsoever. I am glad my mother is very warm and involved with DC. Even though it is not easy, because she lives very far away! My father, on the other hand, is his parents' son. He has no interest in DC, and I wouldn't expect DC to want to hang out with him years down the road. Or be heartbroken at his funeral. This man chose to exist in some parallel universe despite being an adult who is fully capable of making a different choice and not following in his parents steps.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:25     Subject: Teens and grandparents
My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:24     Subject: Re:Teens and grandparents
I can't believe there are people on here who are actually on the grandparent's sides! LOL!

Being a good grandparent is nothing like being a parent. It's easy to build a loving relationship with grandkids AND fulfill personal dreams.

These grandparents were shortsighted and overly self-involved. Now they are paying the price.

OP, I feel for you. And I absolutely WOULD say something next time they complain, but say it in a way that leaves the door open for amends.

Say "I think the issue is that they don't really know you that well. Here are their cell phone numbers. Why don't you reach out and try to build a relationship now?"
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:17     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Anonymous wrote:What do you think about this?

DH's parents have never been involved in our lives. When we had little kids, they had just retired and were very into their own social lives and traveling the world. At a time when we were really struggling with two jobs and a family, they never once offered to babysit or offered to help in some other way. We saw them VERY occasionally for a few hours on holidays for years. Fine. Whatever. It was irritating at the time and I felt bad for DH (who I believe was embarrassed and disappointed by how cold and selfish his parents turned out to be) but we accepted it and moved on. Now however, they are slowing down and want to see their grandchildren. Unfortunately for them the grandchildren are now 15 and almost 17 and have very little (ok no) desire to spend time with them. I can tell that they feel awkward and uncomfortable in the presence of two old people who are basically strangers to them. There is no love or family feeling between them but then again why should there be? DH's parents made next to no effort to get to know them back when they were young and open to the possibility. DH's mother had the nerve to rebuke me for this over Christmas because I let the kids leave after lunch to see their friends.

I felt like saying to her, where have you been for the past 15 years?! If you had put in the time and effort to actually build a relationship with them then, perhaps they'd want to spend time me with you now. If she brings this up again, should I say this to her? I honestly can't believe her nerve and self centeredness. You reap what you sew bitch.

It sounds like a fair thing to say, if you actually want to say it. So say it if you feel you must. Or let it go, if you choose to be kind. It is the kind of truth nobody wants to hear.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:09     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why should your inlaws have had the responsibility of babysitting your children or "helping out"? Isn't that your responsibility when you decided to have children? They raised their children and they wanted to travel and do some things they enjoyed, and likely put off raising their own family, while they had their health and the funds to do so. What seems selfish is to ask them to put off reaching for their dreams while they still could so you would not be inconvenienced by your own children. You sound very entitled, bitter, jealous and nasty, op. Perhaps they didn't come around because of your attitude.


Agreed.

I also agree with the suggestion of activities your teens would like to do with the grandparents.
Many grandparents are far better with teens than little kids, and sometimes can be a support to you., I know this first hand.
To me it sounds like you don't want to make an effort as some weird and twisted form of payback.
Fine okay. It's your life you relationships. You parent your kids the way you see fit.
In all that I would remember that you reap what you sow doesn't end with MIL and FIL.


+1000. Op sounds mean and selfish. Too bad kids will probably turn out the same.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 06:04     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Sorry, I'm team teenagers here. Two wrongs don't make a right, but you're telling me that the kids should just forget that the grandparents wanted nothing to do with them when they were kids and all of a sudden it should be water under the bridge? Uh-uh. And your MIL sounds like a real peach to comment on your parenting 15 years after you've been doing a good job.
I think back to my childhood and my grandparents would come to gymnastics meets and dance recitals, or just hang out with us, and it wasn't a case of my parents looking for a handout or free babysitting. My grandparents genuinely wanted to spend time with us and my parents.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2015 01:41     Subject: Re:Teens and grandparents
'Cause if I reap what I sew, I'm in serious trouble.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 23:42     Subject: Teens and grandparents
You should explain to your MIL that this is how teenagers are, close relationship or not. I'm extremely close to my teenage nieces (always have been) and when I visit them, I see them here and there. Their friends are their priority and that's fine with me (I reminder those oh so important years- lol!). Instead of focusing on the lack of relationship, focus on this is what teenagers are into (friends over family). Suggest to your inlaws to come over more often and see if a small relationship forms.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 22:44     Subject: Teens and grandparents

"Why would the children want to stay? Unfortunately you were too busy to make time for them when they were little, so they now they don't really feel that the relationship is that special."

Say it next time. You'll feel much better, and it's only a small part of what they deserve.

Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 22:24     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It would be your husband's place to say that to his parents, not yours.

Old people are people too, and all people make mistakes. I don't think it would be bad to teach your kids compassion and say "Look, clearly they screwed up in developing a relationship with you when you were young. But you can't change the past, you can only go forward. They want a relationship now. Be a nice kid and FaceTime them each week for ten minutes. It's not like you're solving world hunger and too busy."


Yes, old people are people too. Which is why if the grandparents want a relationship, they need to reach out to the teens tell them they are sorry they weren't around earlier.


I agree that the grandparents screwed up. But I'm very wise, and have learned that it helps nobody when EITHER party stands on ceremony. OP can't control the grandparents. She has some amount of control over her own children. So she should encourage them to not stand on ceremony.


While there's truth in what you're saying, I would be really ticked off at the grandparents. If this was mom and dad's best friend from high school (aka not family) who just showed up, the expectation that the teens would be forced to act like there was a close relationship with people who are essentially strangers to them would be insane. I'm a big fan of not letting family treat you in ways that you would not let friends treat you.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 21:35     Subject: Teens and grandparents
I agree that OP shouldn't have allowed the kids, who have limited contact with her in-laws, to rush out to see their friends. That's pretty awful.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 21:34     Subject: Teens and grandparents
Op, is this the one day of year when they see their Grandparents? You should have insisted the teens stay and visit. Were the Grandparents there several days? That's different.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 21:17     Subject: Teens and grandparents
At 15 & 17 your kids are old enough to decide what relationship, if any, they want to have with their Grandparents. I think you should tell your kids that their Grandparents have expressed interest in spending time with them and ask your kids if they would like to do the same.
Anonymous
Post 12/30/2015 21:15     Subject: Re:Teens and grandparents
OP, you do sound very unkind. You can't make your children want to spend time with their grandparents, and pretty much every teen would rather see their friends,
but you can do your best to model loving and respectful behavior for your IL's, during the limited time they have together.