No no no no. I married a guy just like your boyfriend. I have been in tears all day and I want to die right now. We have been together 15 years and it has only gotten worse. He isn't just belittling now, he's nasty and abusive. I hate my life. Please don't marry him.

If he makes you cry now and is insensitive to your feelings it's not going to change or feel any better when you've been married a few years and are sleep deprived from a crying newborn. How do you see "how great you can be"? You need to move on, he's not the one you need.

Anonymous wrote:I want to understand him and work things out but it feels so exhausting to always be the upbeat one. We process things differently. He's a quiet type. I am the one who speaks my mind. Maybe we are not a good match for marriage...but opposites attract too and that's how I always saw us.

I used to date guys who "adored" me showered with gifts and fancy dinners but that for old quick. This guy is frugal to a fault and it seems like I just can't find a happy medium.

I think I keep waiting for "the straw that broke the camels back" to occur but it hasn't happened yet as that's what gives me hope that this guy is worthy of my love and vice versa, but loving someone shouldn't be so hard.

He's not into you.. move on.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are y the same poster who is waiting for her frugal boyfriend to save up for the ring she wants?

Lol, no. We are not at that point! We have talked about our future, not ring specific. I don't care what he picks. My sis just got engaged earlier this month and it would be a lie to say that I hope mine would be as nice, but no expectations here. A ring doesn't really solve my issues that I'm dealing with and trying to sort out. My boyfriend is really great for the most part and I'm not trying to "fix" him up like a split level 70s home. I am just trying to understand what it means when every time I cry I think about the quote, "guys who make you cry are not worth your tears" because each time it happens I reflect on it hours later and indubitably that pops in my head. There's gotta be a reason and I was hoping to find solace or logic in seeking DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are y the same poster who is waiting for her frugal boyfriend to save up for the ring she wants?

+1

OP, are y the same poster who is waiting for her frugal boyfriend to save up for the ring she wants?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, thank you for your understanding, I am trying to figure this out and it's hard because I see how great we could be. Reading all the other posts here makes me feel like I should walk but I love him and love makes all of this so confusing.

You don't sound like you love him. You sound like you love the idea of him. Trust me, I've been there. You have to break up with him and make yourself happy.

+1 sounds like you want to be with him because you want to fix him. You like the idea of remodelling him like a split-level home with termites, popcorn ceilings and toxic mold. This is a classic mistake that people make and is taught in marriage counseling. If you don't like him "as is", move on.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, thank you for your understanding, I am trying to figure this out and it's hard because I see how great we could be. Reading all the other posts here makes me feel like I should walk but I love him and love makes all of this so confusing.

You don't sound like you love him. You sound like you love the idea of him. Trust me, I've been there. You have to break up with him and make yourself happy.

Anonymous wrote:I want to understand him and work things out but it feels so exhausting to always be the upbeat one. We process things differently. He's a quiet type. I am the one who speaks my mind. Maybe we are not a good match for marriage...but opposites attract too and that's how I always saw us.

I used to date guys who "adored" me showered with gifts and fancy dinners but that for old quick. This guy is frugal to a fault and it seems like I just can't find a happy medium.

I think I keep waiting for "the straw that broke the camels back" to occur but it hasn't happened yet as that's what gives me hope that this guy is worthy of my love and vice versa, but loving someone shouldn't be so hard.

You can find a middle ground OP, and once you do you will be so happy you did. You don't need a huge event or a smoking gun to decide a relationship isn't right for you and to leave. Just read around these boards for some examples of what happens when people who are ill matched marry and have kids. I don't think you want to sign up for those problems.

Pp, thank you for your understanding, I am trying to figure this out and it's hard because I see how great we could be. Reading all the other posts here makes me feel like I should walk but I love him and love makes all of this so confusing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all these posts about boyfriends. If it's just a boyfriend and things are bad, move on. Seriously. It's not going to get better. Grow up and do something good for yourself.

So you were born married? Never had a boyfriend?

Or maybe not married?

So because of that you are incapable of understanding people like the OP and others who desire relationships and are going through the process of getting the one they want?

I think what this poster is saying is that relationships are usually easiest and people at their best with each other when they're just dating. Once married, esp with children and over the course of a lifetime, relationships are more challenging because life is more challenging. If it's not working well while dating, it'll be so much worse once married.

Not the PP here but I completely agree with what you say - but I remember being in OP's shoes and this sort of advice was spectacularly unhelpful. It comes across as patronizing and when you are young, single, and unmarried, with no kids, you just don't see this perspective. You can't see this perspective.

OP, it probably feels like your problems in this relationship are due to him stalling on marriage. They are not. The problems are due to a bad fit between you two, and perhaps more than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all these posts about boyfriends. If it's just a boyfriend and things are bad, move on. Seriously. It's not going to get better. Grow up and do something good for yourself.

So you were born married? Never had a boyfriend?

Or maybe not married?

So because of that you are incapable of understanding people like the OP and others who desire relationships and are going through the process of getting the one they want?

I think what this poster is saying is that relationships are usually easiest and people at their best with each other when they're just dating. Once married, esp with children and over the course of a lifetime, relationships are more challenging because life is more challenging. If it's not working well while dating, it'll be so much worse once married.

OP, it sounds like you just want to be married. Marriage shouldn't be the goal. A happy marriage could be the goal, but this guy is clearly not making you happy. What do you think will change? Over time it will get worse and harder. Very few relationships get easier over time.

You are waiting for a reason to move on, but the reason should be that you're not happy. Not because he won't marry you. It doesn't seem like you're happy, period. Break up with him. Move on.

Anonymous wrote:I want to understand him and work things out but it feels so exhausting to always be the upbeat one. We process things differently. He's a quiet type. I am the one who speaks my mind. Maybe we are not a good match for marriage...but opposites attract too and that's how I always saw us.

I used to date guys who "adored" me showered with gifts and fancy dinners but that for old quick. This guy is frugal to a fault and it seems like I just can't find a happy medium.

I think I keep waiting for "the straw that broke the camels back" to occur but it hasn't happened yet as that's what gives me hope that this guy is worthy of my love and vice versa, but loving someone shouldn't be so hard.

You sound pathetic. Just read your post again. You don't know what you want .

My XH made me cry a lot... before, during, and after our marriage. Tears of sadness, anger, and sheer frustration.

My fiance has never made me cry unless you count tears of laughter. He comforts me when I cry about other things, which is rarely.

I think you know, OP, what you need to do.