Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

You're wrong about this though, frankly. You are not her kid. She has known her child 25 yrs+ longer than you -- that relationship is and should be stronger.

And since you do seem to be coming here with an open mind and want honest opinions, let me share mine: you are being unreasonable in your gift giving expectations. You are assuming that everyone approaches gift giving the same way you do, which they do not, and then you are judging them when they don't live up to your expectations. Not fair. Not healthy.

Thanks. I didn't explain that well. I don't exact her to treat is as she would her own children, as I agree, that bind is much stronger. But as for the relationship, I think it's wrong for her to not treat all of her daughter in laws equally at Christmas as she does her own kids. If she buys one DIL a scarf, it would seem unreasonable to buy the other diamond earrings in my opinion.

Okay, makes more sense, but it goes back to... you are keeping score too carefully. Keeping score isn't healthy. Maybe she does think she treats you all equally but is thinking more about the long game than the short game. Maybe last holiday your presents were nicer? Maybe she knows your SIL is struggling more financially and can't get nice stuff herself? Maybe she saw cute things that reminded her of SIL and just didn't see as much that struck her fancy for you? Maybe she understands your SIL's tastes better? So many different things that could be going on here. Sending you subtle messages that she's pissed at you seems pretty unlikely, but if that's your concern, again -- why can't you talk to her about the relationship and whatever happened that you think might have upset her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, I get this but there could be so many explanations for this. A benign possibility is that perhaps SIL has hit hard times and NEEDS lotion, makeup, clothes.

A good way to let go of things like this is to think up a benign possible explanation and then let it go. Sure, MIL could be trying to send you some message passive aggressively, but does it benefit you in any way to stew on that possibility?

Stewing on it? That's exactly what I'm doing and I hate it. The gift exchange was hours ago. I think I ruffled her feathers not too long ago. Our convos have been somewhat weird for the past two weeks. I suppose that's one reason this thing frustrates me and feels so contrived. But this isn't the first time, so I shouldn't read too much into it. But it really does sting a bit. Makes me want to pull back from her. Perhaps it's just me, but it seems like the makings of getting me and SIL into an awkward place. We get along okay at the moment. But it could pit us against one another if this kind of thing continues to go on..

This woman is showing you who she really is- believe her. Remember this version of her when she starts acting normal again; at least she won't be able to surprise or catch you off guard anymore.

That's the thing. Overall she's a really good person. I want to believe she isn't being purposeful in her actions. One thing that always gets me though is that she's not interested in us SIL's being very tight. She would rather have close relationships with us individually than have us foster relationships with one another. She's never said this, but her actions always reflect it.

Or maybe she's just the sort of person who is comfortable in one-on-one settings more than groups? Again, think you are reading waaaaaay too much into things.

I'm not understanding your response. What I meant by this, is that MIL wouldn't be gung-ho about me and SIL hanging out and fostering a relationship. She would rather we all get along, but spend time vesting a friendship in her. We never do things together as a group. It's always one on one. I don't think she could handle us being closer to each other than her.

You say she's never said this. My guess is that you're reading this into something that just isn't there.

No,I don't think so. She definitely wlulf be uncomfortable with this. I world never expect her to say anything, just like she would be shocked to hear me saying what I'm sharing on this board. Some things you don't have to say, Your actions say everything.

I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Ugh! So many typos. Sorry. I'm on my phone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

You're wrong about this though, frankly. You are not her kid. She has known her child 25 yrs+ longer than you -- that relationship is and should be stronger.

And since you do seem to be coming here with an open mind and want honest opinions, let me share mine: you are being unreasonable in your gift giving expectations. You are assuming that everyone approaches gift giving the same way you do, which they do not, and then you are judging them when they don't live up to your expectations. Not fair. Not healthy.

Thanks. I didn't explain that well. I don't exact her to treat is as she would her own children, as I agree, that bind is much stronger. But as for the relationship, I think it's wrong for her to not treat all of her daughter in laws equally at Christmas as she does her own kids. If she buys one DIL a scarf, it would seem unreasonable to buy the other diamond earrings in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, I get this but there could be so many explanations for this. A benign possibility is that perhaps SIL has hit hard times and NEEDS lotion, makeup, clothes.

A good way to let go of things like this is to think up a benign possible explanation and then let it go. Sure, MIL could be trying to send you some message passive aggressively, but does it benefit you in any way to stew on that possibility?

Stewing on it? That's exactly what I'm doing and I hate it. The gift exchange was hours ago. I think I ruffled her feathers not too long ago. Our convos have been somewhat weird for the past two weeks. I suppose that's one reason this thing frustrates me and feels so contrived. But this isn't the first time, so I shouldn't read too much into it. But it really does sting a bit. Makes me want to pull back from her. Perhaps it's just me, but it seems like the makings of getting me and SIL into an awkward place. We get along okay at the moment. But it could pit us against one another if this kind of thing continues to go on..

This woman is showing you who she really is- believe her. Remember this version of her when she starts acting normal again; at least she won't be able to surprise or catch you off guard anymore.

That's the thing. Overall she's a really good person. I want to believe she isn't being purposeful in her actions. One thing that always gets me though is that she's not interested in us SIL's being very tight. She would rather have close relationships with us individually than have us foster relationships with one another. She's never said this, but her actions always reflect it.

Or maybe she's just the sort of person who is comfortable in one-on-one settings more than groups? Again, think you are reading waaaaaay too much into things.

I'm not understanding your response. What I meant by this, is that MIL wouldn't be gung-ho about me and SIL hanging out and fostering a relationship. She would rather we all get along, but spend time vesting a friendship in her. We never do things together as a group. It's always one on one. I don't think she could handle us being closer to each other than her.

You say she's never said this. My guess is that you're reading this into something that just isn't there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

You're wrong about this though, frankly. You are not her kid. She has known her child 25 yrs+ longer than you -- that relationship is and should be stronger.

And since you do seem to be coming here with an open mind and want honest opinions, let me share mine: you are being unreasonable in your gift giving expectations. You are assuming that everyone approaches gift giving the same way you do, which they do not, and then you are judging them when they don't live up to your expectations. Not fair. Not healthy.

And if you are worried that your MIL is sending you messages about being upset with you for some reason, then that's what you should be focusing on. Bring that up. Or have DH bring it up. Don't mention or stew about the gifts, though. The gifts have nothing to do with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, I get this but there could be so many explanations for this. A benign possibility is that perhaps SIL has hit hard times and NEEDS lotion, makeup, clothes.

A good way to let go of things like this is to think up a benign possible explanation and then let it go. Sure, MIL could be trying to send you some message passive aggressively, but does it benefit you in any way to stew on that possibility?

Stewing on it? That's exactly what I'm doing and I hate it. The gift exchange was hours ago. I think I ruffled her feathers not too long ago. Our convos have been somewhat weird for the past two weeks. I suppose that's one reason this thing frustrates me and feels so contrived. But this isn't the first time, so I shouldn't read too much into it. But it really does sting a bit. Makes me want to pull back from her. Perhaps it's just me, but it seems like the makings of getting me and SIL into an awkward place. We get along okay at the moment. But it could pit us against one another if this kind of thing continues to go on..

This woman is showing you who she really is- believe her. Remember this version of her when she starts acting normal again; at least she won't be able to surprise or catch you off guard anymore.

That's the thing. Overall she's a really good person. I want to believe she isn't being purposeful in her actions. One thing that always gets me though is that she's not interested in us SIL's being very tight. She would rather have close relationships with us individually than have us foster relationships with one another. She's never said this, but her actions always reflect it.

Or maybe she's just the sort of person who is comfortable in one-on-one settings more than groups? Again, think you are reading waaaaaay too much into things.

I'm not understanding your response. What I meant by this, is that MIL wouldn't be gung-ho about me and SIL hanging out and fostering a relationship. She would rather we all get along, but spend time vesting a friendship in her. We never do things together as a group. It's always one on one. I don't think she could handle us being closer to each other than her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

You're wrong about this though, frankly. You are not her kid. She has known her child 25 yrs+ longer than you -- that relationship is and should be stronger.

And since you do seem to be coming here with an open mind and want honest opinions, let me share mine: you are being unreasonable in your gift giving expectations. You are assuming that everyone approaches gift giving the same way you do, which they do not, and then you are judging them when they don't live up to your expectations. Not fair. Not healthy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, I get this but there could be so many explanations for this. A benign possibility is that perhaps SIL has hit hard times and NEEDS lotion, makeup, clothes.

A good way to let go of things like this is to think up a benign possible explanation and then let it go. Sure, MIL could be trying to send you some message passive aggressively, but does it benefit you in any way to stew on that possibility?

Stewing on it? That's exactly what I'm doing and I hate it. The gift exchange was hours ago. I think I ruffled her feathers not too long ago. Our convos have been somewhat weird for the past two weeks. I suppose that's one reason this thing frustrates me and feels so contrived. But this isn't the first time, so I shouldn't read too much into it. But it really does sting a bit. Makes me want to pull back from her. Perhaps it's just me, but it seems like the makings of getting me and SIL into an awkward place. We get along okay at the moment. But it could pit us against one another if this kind of thing continues to go on..

This woman is showing you who she really is- believe her. Remember this version of her when she starts acting normal again; at least she won't be able to surprise or catch you off guard anymore.

That's the thing. Overall she's a really good person. I want to believe she isn't being purposeful in her actions. One thing that always gets me though is that she's not interested in us SIL's being very tight. She would rather have close relationships with us individually than have us foster relationships with one another. She's never said this, but her actions always reflect it.

Or maybe she's just the sort of person who is comfortable in one-on-one settings more than groups? Again, think you are reading waaaaaay too much into things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should let this go. Being WAYYYYYY too sensitive.

You're probably right about this. That's why I'm here. I would rather have a stranger tell me like it is than stress my husband out over this.

Okay, now you're back to sounding like a normal, reasonable person. Yes, good not to pull your husband in. My sense? I think there must be something deeper going on here. You mentioned something happening with MIL a few weeks ago. Seems you think that left a bad taste in her mouth. Rather than trying to read things into the gift giving, why not bring that up with her. Just a fairly casual, "Hey, sorry this thing happened. I was an idiot. Here's why we did it. Your friendship is important to me, though. We cool?" sort of talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, I get this but there could be so many explanations for this. A benign possibility is that perhaps SIL has hit hard times and NEEDS lotion, makeup, clothes.

A good way to let go of things like this is to think up a benign possible explanation and then let it go. Sure, MIL could be trying to send you some message passive aggressively, but does it benefit you in any way to stew on that possibility?

Stewing on it? That's exactly what I'm doing and I hate it. The gift exchange was hours ago. I think I ruffled her feathers not too long ago. Our convos have been somewhat weird for the past two weeks. I suppose that's one reason this thing frustrates me and feels so contrived. But this isn't the first time, so I shouldn't read too much into it. But it really does sting a bit. Makes me want to pull back from her. Perhaps it's just me, but it seems like the makings of getting me and SIL into an awkward place. We get along okay at the moment. But it could pit us against one another if this kind of thing continues to go on..

This woman is showing you who she really is- believe her. Remember this version of her when she starts acting normal again; at least she won't be able to surprise or catch you off guard anymore.

That's the thing. Overall she's a really good person. I want to believe she isn't being purposeful in her actions. One thing that always gets me though is that she's not interested in us SIL's being very tight. She would rather have close relationships with us individually than have us foster relationships with one another. She's never said this, but her actions always reflect it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

Anonymous wrote:You should let this go. Being WAYYYYYY too sensitive.

You're probably right about this. That's why I'm here. I would rather have a stranger tell me like it is than stress my husband out over this.