Anonymous wrote:

HOWEVER, it is possible the best part of the day will be after they leave. I sometimes fight for more family time, and then wonder why I did that.

Haha, yep. So true. You can plan a party and invite people, but you don't get to control when they come or how long they stay.

I'm Catholic, and I see your reference to corporal works of mercy, etc.

On that front-You still have a right have a holiday plan for YOUR family and have it respected.
You have a righto to be angry at this abuser. You can forgive her but also choose not to be in the room with them, and to be angry when people take the wind out of your sails (your holiday plans) to take a 5 hour drive to see her.

It sounds like your home is a "stop along the way" to visit Abuser (c).

I don't mean to victim blame here, but I wonder if there is a pattern in your family where you put yourself out and people treat your kindness like an all you can eat buffet (open 24/7).

I feel like your mom is taking advantage of her role as matriarch here, and not respecting that the generation below her has needs and expectations as well.

If you need strength, fight back for your kids.

HOWEVER, it is possible the best part of the day will be after they leave. I sometimes fight for more family time, and then wonder why I did that.

If I was the cousin, I would be very appreciative that OP warned me that I was going to be asked by an elderly woman to take her to go visit another elderly woman in a nursing home on Christmas Day. That type of request is not easy to say "no" to and I would at least have the chance to come up with a response. OP - you are doing the right thing. Anyway anyone an take her to visit on Christmas Eve or is it possible, despite her meaness, to bring her to your house?

Anonymous wrote:This is on Larla. She needs to put on her big girl pants and say no, if she does not in fact want to do it. Stay out of it OP.

+1 million.

This is on Larla. She needs to put on her big girl pants and say no, if she does not in fact want to do it. Stay out of it OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

THIS is the thing.

Your mom is both manipulating the cousin (b) AND TOTALLY DISRESPECTING YOUR HOLIDAY PARTY.

While it would be great if B could tell you mom to go fly a kite, could you flatly say, "Mom, I don't know if you realize how far away that is and how much of our Christmas celebration would be taken up by this excursion."
Point it out like a hostess-you have been preparing dinner for weeks, got gifts, planned activities, (blah blah) and the kids are so excited to see "B" (it is all they talk about) but now it looks like she will just be stopping by for an hour or 2? I'm so disappointed. I also checked on the website of fancy nursing home X and they are having a seated dinner and music. What if you get there and they can't accommodate you? It just feels like you are "undoing" my holiday.
This isn't about the fact she hurt me and smacked me and screamed at me when I was little. I forgive her soul for that. I just don't understand why you, as my mother, are choosing her over my family on such a special day."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

+1000 And stand firm on this. If you arrange transportation for your mother, then she can't guilt your cousin. Your cousin is only there for one day; she simply won't have "time" to visit Larlita no matter what your mom thinks.

You really do need to divert this, otherwise your cousin will be caught in the middle.

Jesus, people, this isn't OP's battle to fight. All of you suggesting she get involved must be really dysfunctional.

+1. Do not get involved!

Hire a driver to take your mom and back. It will be money well spent. Tell your cousin it is part of her Christmas present.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

+1000 And stand firm on this. If you arrange transportation for your mother, then she can't guilt your cousin. Your cousin is only there for one day; she simply won't have "time" to visit Larlita no matter what your mom thinks.

You really do need to divert this, otherwise your cousin will be caught in the middle.

Jesus, people, this isn't OP's battle to fight. All of you suggesting she get involved must be really dysfunctional.

Let's change the title to "OP interfering with mother and cousin's Christmas day plans."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

+1000 And stand firm on this. If you arrange transportation for your mother, then she can't guilt your cousin. Your cousin is only there for one day; she simply won't have "time" to visit Larlita no matter what your mom thinks.

You really do need to divert this, otherwise your cousin will be caught in the middle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

Larla is grown and apparently she owes mom. I don't think visiting family in a nursing home on Christmas warrants this reaction. She says she's done with her mother, it's ridiculous. Assure Larla she doesn't need to go, accept the decision and move on.

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

Ask Larla. If Larla is not hot on going, team up and tell your mom to can it. Once you start saying no, it becomes easier each and every time.

Sorry you have to deal with this dysfunction on holidays.

How does Larla feel? Have you even asked her?