You can't just take the baby. First of all, don't think a good divorce attorney wouldn't pounce on you leaving one kid with the abuser (if you try to bring that up) while removing yourself and one child. Second, your kid is 9. If he puts 2 and 2 together, that you left with the baby to prepare for a split, think how it makes him feel that you left him behind. You cannot take one child.

Anonymous wrote:You can go away for a four day weekend, I think. Tell DH where you are going and that you are taking the baby. Tell him when you will be home. If he wants to go ballistic and call the police, you can show them the text message or email that you sent him letting him know where you will be.

I'm not a lawyer -- but I don't think that would qualify as kidnapping.

OP here Thanks, that is what I will do and try the women's center as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok here, I understand he needs visitation, but my question is do I need to get a lawyer or can we work it out informally.

I told him about the apartment and started my grievances but he got very angry, he has hit me 4 times in last 13 yrs, so I left the room to avoid escalation.

You need to go to the Women's Center and get some free legal advice on how to handle this. For one thing, leaving the marital home constitutes abandonment and can impact how things pan out with your financial settlement. However, speaking from experience, if you can't get an agreement that your estranged husband leaves the house instead because of the issue of past abuse, you might be in the clear. My XH moved out because he didn't want the abuse documented.

Thanks but the abuse was not now, he hit me in 2004, 2008, 2010 and 2012, so don't think I can use that now as a reason to move out. It was angry slap and not dangerously violent, but is one of my grievances. And obviously he gets into a similar temper outburst so I cannot finish talking in fear like today.

This is why we document the first instance and get out immediately.

I wish that I could make 10,000 copies of your post and paste it in every women's room stall I could find in the DMV.

You can go away for a four day weekend, I think. Tell DH where you are going and that you are taking the baby. Tell him when you will be home. If he wants to go ballistic and call the police, you can show them the text message or email that you sent him letting him know where you will be.

I'm not a lawyer -- but I don't think that would qualify as kidnapping.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks everyone. I do need an immediate health break, baby is only 4 months old and will eat and sleep only with me, she is FF but I do all feedings.
Why can't I take her and at least go to an extended stay kind of place for this 4 day weekend? DS is almost 9 and DH can be together for father/son weekend?
If I get away from the non stop housework, I maybe able to think clearly. And maybe he will miss me and appreciate all I do?
I will miss DS, but I do want DH to stop taking me for granted.

The abuse will happen again. It always does. Until divorce or death.

OP here, thanks everyone. I do need an immediate health break, baby is only 4 months old and will eat and sleep only with me, she is FF but I do all feedings.
Why can't I take her and at least go to an extended stay kind of place for this 4 day weekend? DS is almost 9 and DH can be together for father/son weekend?
If I get away from the non stop housework, I maybe able to think clearly. And maybe he will miss me and appreciate all I do?
I will miss DS, but I do want DH to stop taking me for granted.

If you are able to work it out informally, you can do that. Speaking with a lawyer before you leave the house is a wise thing to do -- they won't be able to help you figure out custody right now, but they can advise you on what to take with you, how much money to take out of joint accounts, etc.

My ex and I met with a therapist who specialized in divorce and custody cases. I had seen her a couple of times on the recommendation of my divorce lawyer. She helped us figure out custody in about one hour. She knows what the courts typically decide, she knows what the most common types of custody splits look like, and she knows what will have the least negative impacts on the kids.

When you come up with an informal arrangement, it is just that -- informal. You don't need to draw up a legal agreement right away concerning visitation if you can both come to an agreement yourselves. Many times, the custody will change significantly from your first agreement.

Many men say that want to see their kids every day. Often they back off pretty quickly and get into a more regular patten several days a week and then every other weekend.

Good luck to you, OP. Use the time by yourself (when spouse has the kids to pamper yourself). Watch TV, read a book, work on a project, etc. You will come to appreciate the break from the kids. I would suggest that you take M, T and he takes W, TH and then every other weekend you each get F, S, Sun. That means the kids only move between houses once per week. It will be hard at first, but you will both adapt.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Keep in mind that the well being of your kids should be your primary focus as you make decisions with your ex. Leave your animosity for him at the door, and give a little. Hopefully, he can do the same.

I do agree with the others, that you should wait until the New Year to move...

As for the general question, talk to a lawyer. If you don't have a lawyer, talk to the folks at a womens' shelter and seek some advice.

My concern would be if you leave without permission, absent an emergency circumstance (i.e. like a legitimate fear for the health and safety of the children) then the husband may move legally to recover the children, up to and including claiming you are "kidnapping" them. An allegation or charge of this sort will likely come back up during the formal custody battle and the judge may move more cautiously towards granting you custody in the long term and/or consider restrictions such as no moving out of state and no international travel.

Absent a clear threat to their safety (and yours) you should get some professional advice before taking your next steps.

Good luck.

http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10738&state_code=GE&open_id=11283

http://www.divorcenet.com/resources/child-custody/parental-kidnapping-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-pre

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm assuming you aren't planning to take the kids with you without approval from your spouse.

If not, you should probably get a lawyer.

Well of course he knows, but he wants to visit and be with them everyday, which I was initially ok with, but not now. I just don't want to see him.

How does one get a break from their spouse when young kids are involved???

Well, in that case you leave the kids with him.

They don't automatically go with the mom, you know. I'm sure he can take perfectly good care of them without you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is taking a holiday alone enough of a stand? "Trial separations" seem rare. Usually it's a step to divorce.

What do you want to achieve? If it's a wake up call, think it through first.

We're here to help with that.

Op here, yes I can do holidays alone in a hotel, but I have an infant and need to take her at least with me. Would that be ok?

DO NOT LEAVE ONE KID

They both go or nobody goes

Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, you might want to rethink the week. Why? Because the kids will always know it's Christmas. Heck the whole world knows it is Christmas. They are reminded of it over and over again every single year for the rest of their lives. Even as they age and the pain subsides they will also now know that this is the time their parents split, and every year they will have an anniversary of sorts of the split.

I can't remember when my parents split. I can't even remember the year anymore. I think it was in the Spring of the 80s. But had it been tied to something I remember like a birthday or specific holiday I probably would remember even to this day.

Pick something like January 7? No one celebrates that day. No one would remember then....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok here, I understand he needs visitation, but my question is do I need to get a lawyer or can we work it out informally.

I told him about the apartment and started my grievances but he got very angry, he has hit me 4 times in last 13 yrs, so I left the room to avoid escalation.

You need to go to the Women's Center and get some free legal advice on how to handle this. For one thing, leaving the marital home constitutes abandonment and can impact how things pan out with your financial settlement. However, speaking from experience, if you can't get an agreement that your estranged husband leaves the house instead because of the issue of past abuse, you might be in the clear. My XH moved out because he didn't want the abuse documented.

Thanks but the abuse was not now, he hit me in 2004, 2008, 2010 and 2012, so don't think I can use that now as a reason to move out. It was angry slap and not dangerously violent, but is one of my grievances. And obviously he gets into a similar temper outburst so I cannot finish talking in fear like today.

Anonymous wrote:Ok here, I understand he needs visitation, but my question is do I need to get a lawyer or can we work it out informally.

I told him about the apartment and started my grievances but he got very angry, he has hit me 4 times in last 13 yrs, so I left the room to avoid escalation.

You need to go to the Women's Center and get some free legal advice on how to handle this. For one thing, leaving the marital home constitutes abandonment and can impact how things pan out with your financial settlement. However, speaking from experience, if you can't get an agreement that your estranged husband leaves the house instead because of the issue of past abuse, you might be in the clear. My XH moved out because he didn't want the abuse documented.

Anonymous wrote:
Is taking a holiday alone enough of a stand? "Trial separations" seem rare. Usually it's a step to divorce.

What do you want to achieve? If it's a wake up call, think it through first.

We're here to help with that.

Didn't she say they don't celebrate Christmas? NYE and NYD aren't huge family holidays for most people.

Anonymous wrote:
Is taking a holiday alone enough of a stand? "Trial separations" seem rare. Usually it's a step to divorce.

What do you want to achieve? If it's a wake up call, think it through first.

We're here to help with that.

Op here, yes I can do holidays alone in a hotel, but I have an infant and need to take her at least with me. Would that be ok?