Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

I am sorry you are going through this OP. I wish I could offer more.

This sounds like my MIL who still hasn't acknowledged that my wife has MS. My MIL is the most self involved person I have ever known. She ignored her grandchildren for 12, 13 years until most recently as she feels her mortality. Big hugs to you for being a loving husband.

Anonymous wrote:You also need to tell SIL off for bad behavior. "We're completely overwhelmed with how critical DW's situation is. Taking care of everyone has been very rough. Please excuse us for not exchanging gifts this year" What an evil SIL

^This!!!

I'm a reasonable person and I say fuck her!

I wouldn't even have sent gift cards. I would have emailed SIL back and told her your family was skipping the gift exchange as you are overwhelmed with the challenges of caring for your wife and children.

Ok after reading this again, plus your update, I cannot fathom parents who would not rush to their child's side at a time like this. I do know that my mil would not rush to fly home when her sister/brother/mother was dying of cancer. She waited and waited then flew out and made a big production of her arrival as though she should be worshipped for showing up at the last breath. You cannot respect these people and you have to let go of the idea that they are family. You already know who is there for you. Make sure you let your family know how much you appreciate them and let them help.

I understand, OP. My BIL didn't even visit DH in the hospital after brain surgery even though it would have taken him all of twenty minutes since he dropped off the parents for their visit. I think these are the times when you see how people really feel about you and your family and how strong the relationships are. BIL bends over backwards for his parents and SIL but clearly does not feel the same way about his brother. Now we know. Now you know. It hurts a lot but that is the family your DW has.

Op
Have you sat down and written an email outlining her condition, the prognosis and then specific things you need?

"Update: Susan has XYZ disease which means she cannot walk without assistance, has already had multiple calls and is unable to form the words to articulate her needs. She is unable to pick up our 1 year old, drive, climb stairs and suffers daily headaches requiring her to lay in a dark room for hours.
We are in need of the following assistance to get through the next 6 months. Please let me know if you can help with any of the following:
1. After school care for the kids Weds -Fri, 2-6 pm
2. Meals M, W and F
3. Ride to weekly XYz clinic appointment Monday's at 2 (it is 45 minutes from our house, appt lasts one hour)
4. Someone to help susan get dressed and washed in the am since k have to leave for work so early "

I have received a similar email and it was easier to get help when it was laid out exactly what was needed, instead of a general "if you could come help us that would be great".
So people knew exactly what they would be doing.

Some people are not good with sickness, hospitals, and emotions. They just arent. Some families have never dealt with illness or loss. They may assume you and your sister are dealing with it and don't want to intrude.

You need to ask for help specifically as above before throwing in the towel.

OP, you're a good person. The gift thing is ridiculous. I wouldn't have been able to keep from writing back something obnoxious. "Please excuse my inability to respond to your gift grab as I am busy taking care of two small children and your sister-in-law who is in critical condition." Glad that at least your sister is helping out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

I truly can relate to this as this was my family when one of my twins was dying (she died at just under a year so one baby at home/one in hospital.) It was so bad that I at times turned down some of the very much needed help that friends/neighbors - even strangers from the Parents of Multiples offered without hesitation because I was so shocked and embarrassed how my MANY family members in town (so not far away like yours) did nothing beyond a short self serving visit once over the 6 months she was in PICU -with no questions as to how we were managing to take care of both BABIES, no offers of meals, groceries, basic errands. This was so mind blowing that while I contemplated 'confronting' their total lack of basic decency I knew I could not as my anger was so deep. I'm glad in the end I didn't as I would have go so far overboard they would have found comfort in the insane level I would have succumbed to had I let my disgust/anger unleashed (yeah still not over it - I have never been able to forgive some of the family-including a SIL, a mother of children too who never even called to say 'hey that sucks'.) They are not worthy of your thoughts. Do not discount too that you, most likely your wife, maybe your kids too are affected by something close to traumatic stress. As hard as it may be try and remove yourself from the anger as you know your family needs to focus on healing. It is terribly sad that those we thought we could count on let us down but I bet like me there were people who stepped up in ways you could never had imagined.

That sounds horrible. I am so sorry. I agree that you deserve better. Your wife deserves better.

kudos to your sister for stepping up. Sounds like a great woman.

The gift list thing is fucking ridiculous. I also may have thrown my phone.

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

Wow, that sounds so stressful, OP. I would start by letting the family (starting with SIL) know there will be no gift exchanges this year. Then I would let them know in precise terms how critical this is, the prognosis and how she's doing. They might not understand just how dire your situation is. Let them know you need to reserve your energy for caring for the kids and taking care of the house and your job and you don't have any leftover for exchanging gifts this year. You need to be very blunt. Some families step up to the plate and help and some don't (mine wouldn't unless told specifically what is needed and even then it's a crap shoot.) Good luck and I hope your wife heals quicker than expected and that things stabilize for all of you.

Side note - through recent experience I found out that providing childcare for a sibling while they were in the hospital is not covered under federal FMLA, although it may be under state laws where you are.