Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 16:31     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:
So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.


If getting a baby sitter regularly is expensive for them, then I think you assume right that they don't have cleaning service. How does this help him though? Who cares about toilets. He's watching porn, she's eating ice cream.


It's not the toilets. She's got time for ice cream, Facebook, and TV but not sex? She might say it's the toilets, but OP washed them, then she'd claim something else was holding her back. The goal posts will keep moving until she's attracted to you. If she was attracted, the toilets wouldn't matter. If she's unattracted, there aren't enough chores in the world you could do.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 16:29     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you don't find your wife attractive, and you're wondering why she doesn't want to have sex? You sound like you just want a hole to stick it in.

I'm not going to tell you to do more around the house. I'm going to tell you that if you want your wife to feel sexy, you have to treat her like you find her desirable. Like you really want to have sex with her, not just with anyone.


Aaaand.....here they come. Obviously the man's fault that the woman gets fat and lets herself go. And if the man gets fat? Obviously the man's fault. Insensitive brutes.


I didn't say it was his fault she gained weight. I'm saying that someone who thinks his wife is fat and unattractive shouldn't be surprised that she isn't really excited to have sex with him.


Question for OP: To address PP's comment, which came first, the weight gain or her lack of excitement about having sex? If she was fat & jumping your bones, then maybe your lack of enthusiasm is the problem. If her desire for sex with you had diminished prior to her weight gain, then that's not the problem.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 16:02     Subject: How to get DW interested
If she's depressed, having to qualify to be her husband's wife will give her something to work towards and live for. Right now, she is living a meaningless life with a pathetic man who accepts a fat disgusting lazy wife. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with him. Gross.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:36     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote: After that, now a days I just watch TV or read a book and she just eats ice cream and is on facebook.


If she is eating lots of ice cream, she is depressed. that's what women do when they are depressed. Maybe something is going wrong in her job? Is one of the children having problems? I think you need to find the source of her depression... Once we know that, we can do a better job helping you figure out how to help her.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:32     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you don't find your wife attractive, and you're wondering why she doesn't want to have sex? You sound like you just want a hole to stick it in.

I'm not going to tell you to do more around the house. I'm going to tell you that if you want your wife to feel sexy, you have to treat her like you find her desirable. Like you really want to have sex with her, not just with anyone.


Aaaand.....here they come. Obviously the man's fault that the woman gets fat and lets herself go. And if the man gets fat? Obviously the man's fault. Insensitive brutes.


I didn't say it was his fault she gained weight. I'm saying that someone who thinks his wife is fat and unattractive shouldn't be surprised that she isn't really excited to have sex with him.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:28     Subject: How to get DW interested
So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.


If getting a baby sitter regularly is expensive for them, then I think you assume right that they don't have cleaning service. How does this help him though? Who cares about toilets. He's watching porn, she's eating ice cream.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:26     Subject: Re:How to get DW interested
You both work a full day, do chores when you get home, then after the kids are in bed you retreat to a book or the tv, and then don't even go to bed at the same time she does. You two need to find a way to connect over something, even if it's just finding a show you both enjoy watching together in the evenings. Or maybe if she's on Facebook, you could sit with her and ask her if anything interesting is going on. Or did she see X article you think she might be interested in. Strike up a conversation. Yes, she also could take the lead here, but one of you has to and you're the one upset enough to post on DCUM so why not? It sounds like you're basically just living parallel lives at the moment, and I wouldn't be interested in having sex with a roommate.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:23     Subject: Re:How to get DW interested
I think you should tell her straight up that you find her unattractive and are considering leaving her over her checking out on life. Tell her that you want to be married to someone who takes care of themselves and enjoy regular intimacy and that you'd love it if she stepped up to the plate. Otherwise, buh bye!

Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:22     Subject: How to get DW interested
That and monogamy is not natural for the human species. We are not made to have sex with the same person for 10+ years. I'd be interested to see how your wife would react if she met a man that found her very attractive as she is now and was not involved in the drudgery of the daily grind. My guess is 'low drive' would not be much of an issue.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:20     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:We've been married for 10+ years. 2 young kids. DW is slowly letting herself go and gaining weight, not working out, eating like crap and complaining about gaining weight. She now has body issues and does not look good naked. In 2015, we have had sex 6-8 times and another 4-6 times we had oral. I've made comments about how important it is for me to have sex but she casually ignores it and/or says that she could go without sex indefinitely because she does not feel sexy anymore. I am no longer attracted by her because of the same crap she wears every weekend to not showering during the weekend (which I think is a way to keep me away). We both have full time jobs and we are tired at the end of the day. I am not saying we need to have sex every day, but once a weekend might be a nice change. Before you flame me, I help out around the house. We both cook for the kids, I clean and do the dishes. She does the laundry. I vacuum the apartment regularly, put the kids to bed every night. She does laundry and then help with night time routine like changing the kids. Kids are usually in bed by 9. After that, now a days I just watch TV or read a book and she just eats ice cream and is on facebook. She goes to bed and then I watch porn and take care of myself almost every night.

I need more than that. These days I watch all the beautiful women on the metro and in the city and start to wonder what it would be to like to have sex with them. I am ashamed to say that I have even considered using an escort so not to bother the DW. I don't want to leave but I am very frustrated and can't seem to get her out of this zone that she is in.

Any inputs of what you would do? Have you been through something like this? How did not deal with it? Did it end well?


So, you wash dishes and vacuum. Who is scrubbing the toilets, doing the grocery shopping, changing the sheets, mopping the floors, etc. Since you mentioned a lack of disposable income as the reason for not making time for your relationship, I assume you don't have a cleaning service for all of that.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:18     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:OP, what's your wife's weight and height? And are you in shape yourself? You sound like you have unrealistically high expectations for her to look like she did when you married her over 10 years ago.


OP here - she's 5'7" and approaching 200lbs. I am in shape and I don't expect her to look like she did when we got married. She brought two human beings into this world, she won't look like the way she used to. I accept that and I love her for it. But shes going into a spiral of eating like crap and gaining weight and feeling bad about it which this year has affected our relationship.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:15     Subject: Re:How to get DW interested
I believe it's you Adonis, she's no longer attracted to.

She probably knows about your porn addiction.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:15     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.


Look focusing on the sex issue at this point is like worrying over a paper cut when your leg is broken. You can't go into this process with the mindset that if I do "X" my wife will have more sex with me. Doesn't work that way. You need to help her feel better about herself in order to have a functional marriage. Do that first, then worry about the sex. Have her get a full physical to rule out thyroid issues (v. common), get screened for depression and anxiety, and work on connecting with her person to person.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:14     Subject: How to get DW interested
Anonymous wrote:Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.


Well of course it is trial and error. If somebody had a fool proof method, they'd make Bill Gates look poor!
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2015 15:12     Subject: How to get DW interested
Two suggestions:

* hire a house keeper. Most women find house work depressing.
* how is your weight? do you work out? maybe you could work out together? It seems like exercise is something you could do together.
* make some local friends who have kids. host a pot luck at your house. Then, you could babysit for each other. For example, they could babysit while you and your wife work out together. then, you will have work outs to discuss, which will be a non-child thing to discuss.
* does she have a female friend? This might help her. they could work out together and cheer each other up. When she cheers up, she may look more kindly at you.