Anonymous wrote:also, furnishings usually go on sale after the holidays. So maybe give her a "gift certificate" for a new bed and bedding--and lunch out when you go to pick it out together.

+1, this is a great idea. You sound like a lovely dad but she would probably prefer to make her own decorating choices.

It's ok, OP. All kids have to come to terms with budgeting and managing their lifestyle expectations. The life lessons you impart during difficult times are worth 10,000x more than any material possession. She is old enough to understand and will probably be relieved and gratified that you are being straight with her. Talk with her about favorite holiday activities to do together.

I remember one time my mom asked for our favorite holiday foods etc., and mine has always been a big box of clementine oranges. You might be surprised at what she says.

One year my mom said money was tight and asked for suggestions. I requested candle holders and a new water bottle. I think she spent under thirty bucks total and I was happy to have these things. You might just ask your kid what is on her list.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom was super into Christmas when I was a kid. She would save up and watch sales and we would have lots of presents. Many of them were things we needed-new coats, boots, pajamas, etc.-but there was always lots for us to open. Her excitement was infectious and we all got into it too.

Except for a couple of Christmases when there was job loss or financial stress in the family. We were very much middle class, probably on the lower end. I remember my mom sitting my sister and I down and telling us that money was tight and that Christmas was going to be very small to nonexistent. Neither of us was sad and we completely understood. Honestly, I think it was harder on my mom to tell us that than it was for us to hear it.

This! I went through it as a teen a few times as well. I agree it's harder on mom than the kid. It actually humbled me quite a bit and I was and still am thankful for it. It also makes next year or the next Zchristmas even better when times do get better.

Don't sweat it op!

Have a Merry Christmas!

I concur. Definitely have this conversation. You are imparting an extremely important life lesson. I still remember a family meeting my parents had to explain why we had to cut costs when I was 10 or 11. All kids and teens need to know we live within our means. We prioritize our needs not wants and that doesn't have to ruin Christmas. You have an opportunity here to have a wonderful, meaningful Christmas. Embrace it! Having a strict budget for a bit need not be a tragedy. We all want the best for our kids. But that is probably not more STUFF.

also, furnishings usually go on sale after the holidays. So maybe give her a "gift certificate" for a new bed and bedding--and lunch out when you go to pick it out together.

OP here...

Thanks so much for all the replies and thoughts. I am about to pick her up from school and will have the chat - not looking fwd to it but there's a lot of that in my life right now

I hope she will understand when I explain that if we can wait until the new year, we will have time to do it right instead of shopping for bedding in all this holiday madness and not having any time to really sort out her room with everything we have to do for Xmas (and the fact that she isn't here all the time so there are only so many hours in a day).

If "that which does not kill you makes you stronger", then I'm gonna be able to move mountains when this is all over.

Thanks again for everyone's time!

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same spot (only the teen side). My mom explained things, and that year we got things we NEEDED for Christmas. A new cheap daybed ($100) jeans, socks, underwear ($50), pens & pencils, notebooks ($15) and lots of little toiletry samples in our stockings ($15). We cut down a Christmas tree in the woods. It was pretty scraggly, but we loved it. We had a small ham, biscuits, choc. chip cookies. We drove around to look at the Christmas lights on Christmas Eve, and on Christmas morning, we drove around giving tangerines to all the homeless people in DC. It put things in perspective pretty quickly.

Good advice. Don't try to hide things from your kid that you won't succeed at hiding. All you will do is create future therapy bills and undermine your relationship (since you won't be a source of true information, in her mind).

She knows there's a divorce, and she knows this changes things.

I'm sorry life is so challenging right now.

Sorry for your hard times.
My 19 year old just got rid of the full bed we bought her at age 12. She wanted the Space in her room for a cool ikea couch for her room. Large beds are really unnecessary for kids. We thought the same as your stbx but we were wrong.

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom was super into Christmas when I was a kid. She would save up and watch sales and we would have lots of presents. Many of them were things we needed-new coats, boots, pajamas, etc.-but there was always lots for us to open. Her excitement was infectious and we all got into it too.

Except for a couple of Christmases when there was job loss or financial stress in the family. We were very much middle class, probably on the lower end. I remember my mom sitting my sister and I down and telling us that money was tight and that Christmas was going to be very small to nonexistent. Neither of us was sad and we completely understood. Honestly, I think it was harder on my mom to tell us that than it was for us to hear it.

This! I went through it as a teen a few times as well. I agree it's harder on mom than the kid. It actually humbled me quite a bit and I was and still am thankful for it. It also makes next year or the next Zchristmas even better when times do get better.

Don't sweat it op!

Have a Merry Christmas!

Has she asked for expensive gifts?

You sound like a great dad OP.

And on that note, have the talk with your daughter, but also try to stay upbeat and positive. When I was your daughters age I LOVED Christmas, but to be honest always found the gifts part of it disappointing. What I loved was the magic of it, the FEEL of Christmas. I can't remember a single gift I received as a kid, but I have vivid memories of listening to Christmas carols while baking cookies and decorating the house. Of sitting by fires drinking hot chocolate. Of looking at Christmas lights and getting the angel card from the tree at Church.

Not having money for lots of gifts won't steal your daughters Christmas, but letting your disappointment about it could. If you can believe that Christmas magic can happen without lots of gifts, then your daughter will too.

Merry Christmas OP.

First, I also had a twin bed until I was 30 and splurged to buy myself a queen bed on my 30th birthday (and I was making 6 figures, so I guess I'm just frugal?). But really, no child needs more than a twin bed.

Second, this might be a good year to do a father/daughter service project, like serving a meal at a homeless shelter.

OP, your approach on the bed -not no, just later- is a good and reasonable one.

As for gifts, especially if I knew that things would improve after the settlement, I may put a very little bit on the cc (with a hard limit). Then I would go for the sales. You'd be surprised what you can get away with using sales, coupons, etc. It's a bit more work but doable. Also, hit places like 5 Below and "And That" for stocking stuffers.

Finally, make the memories. Have your gathering. Make cookies. Go see Christmas lights. Do some of the free events like the botanical gardens, National Tree, etc. Go ice skating together.

You sound like a good dad. Good luck.

I am so sorry OP. Yes, just tell her no for now on the new bed so that if she ends up with a new room, she can pick the right one for that space.

I went through this after my divorce. My parents financed Christmas because I was truly broke, but we also used it as an opportunity to do a hard reset and break away from over commercializing the holiday. I'm more solvent now and my kids do get one big gift (new laptop or bike as the old ones wear out), but mostly we spend time together doing crafts, watching movies, cooking, etc.

I think it is worthwhile investing in nice new bedding rather than an actual new bed so long as she fits on her twin. You can check Marshall's, Ross, Burlington, and TJ Maxx in person or look at Overstock.com. New bedding refreshes a room and the soul.

I don't believe in going into debt for gifts. I'd talk to her about how lean things are. Them just get a tabletop Christmas tree and the bed. Use the money from the sale of the old bed to pay for new bedding at Ikea. You do not need a fancy Christmas meal.