Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, he can be served internationally. I know because I served my ex that way.

Thanks. I'm trying to keep the expense and the drama to a minimum....sort of the "no big deal" approach posters above have suggested. My anxiety comes from the fact that he and I seem to get along fine...until the moment he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. It's been so disappointing that time, shared memories with DD, and peace-making gestures on my part become moot if we disagree.

I understand. I think it's easy to fall into the trap of this idea of peaceful compare ting and fostering a relationship which leads to you just spinning your wheels trying to make something from nothing. I turned the tables on my ex, ended all communication and we're all much happier. Haven't heard a peep from him since. He didn't care, doesn't care and it's a huge weight lifted to no longer feel responsible for his behavior. It's not a result of you.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Anonymous wrote:You have an ulterior motive, OP, even though you are feeding is this pap. Let sleeping dogs lie. Is your name Pandora?

This makes no sense and reads as though you have a drinking problem.

From one single mom to another, I think you're doing the right thing. I'd probably send him an email letting him know he was going to be served, then have him served. Assure him that he can still have some physical custody (and really, you should have a Parenting Plan filed with the court that addresses this).

You have an ulterior motive, OP, even though you are feeding is this pap. Let sleeping dogs lie. Is your name Pandora?

Anonymous wrote:Would the authorities really order the child to foster care if there is grandma, stepfather, etc nearby? Lots of mothers raise children on their own without a formal agreement with the father.

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Not sure. But OP should ask her lawyer. Imagine if it took even a couple of days for the court to formalize allowing grandma to have the child?

I think you are making a smart move. But maybe reconsider serving him overseas if you can - that might ultimately be lower drama compared to serving him in front of your daughter or his relatives during the holiday when emotions can run high anyway and he may be stressed from travel.

One really key thing here is that he fully understand your intentions. Although you have done your homework and understand what sole legal custody means, he may jump to the conclusion that it means you are trying to shut him out from her life totally. And he will probably react defensively out of shame and denial as well. So the more you can communicate "this changes nothing for your actual relationship - we still want you in our lives" the better. I would even consider consulting with a therapist or divorce mediator about how to do this successfully!

Would the authorities really order the child to foster care if there is grandma, stepfather, etc nearby? Lots of mothers raise children on their own without a formal agreement with the father.

OP, I am not sure what is best in your situation, but in a similar situation I chose to let sleeping dogs lie. When DD needed a passport during one of the years when the ex was not involved at all, I signed the form that said he wasn't reachable (although honestly I could have reached him, I just did not want to bother.) Five years later he was more involved though still leaving far away, so for the renewal I had him fill out his part of the paperwork and mail it. No problems with either passport application.

Nor has anyone ever made an issue when I made unilateral decisions about DDs health, or when stepfather took her to the doctor.

I've been in a similar position for about 10 years - unmarried, kids, have de facto custody and facilitate visitation, dad travels extensively for work. So far we've managed without an official custody order, but I agree that adding a new wife to the mix in the future leaves things dangerously unsettled. If you can take this opportunity to get things in writing, it would be good.

Have you given him a copy of the legal document you want him to sign, with an explanation that you just feel this is important now that he is planning on being out of the country? Or are you just asking him in emails to plan something.

If I asked my ex to work with me to design a custody plan, he would probably avoid me. But, if I gave him a document and asked him to meet to sign it or discuss it if there was something I disagreed with, we would probably get further faster.

What does "off the books" mean to him? Does he understand that if you and he work out a formal written agreement, it will be rubber-stamped by a judge, and he will never have to appear in court and that the only thing that will be in the file is the order/agreement itself? That if he doesn't respond to you then you're having to go through the court system to file for official custody puts everything "on the books" -- confirmation of service, any pleadings and responses by lawyers, etc. are all part of the public record. So, anyone can go to court and read the pleading you file to ask for custody, which will include a complete recitation of his lack of involvement in the child's life and all your attempts to facilitate contact.

If I were him, I'd much rather be able to say, I travel a lot for work and my DC's mom and I decided it was better for DC if mom had full custody.

This is the way my baby daddy spins it. "I'm a good father but I work overseas so much that the mom has full custody." As long as he thinks others see him as a good dad, he is usually agrees to what I need.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you need to have sole legal custody. That will give you legal decision making power- the power you already have defacto. As you note, it will be the most important to have this in times of emergency and good that you're planning ahead. Pretty much nothing will change. Your ex will still be able to have the same amount of contact with DD.

Frame it for your ex in that same way. Since you're moving overseas, it makes sense to go ahead and do this little bit of legal housekeeping. They have to serve you with the papers while you're here. It's not a big deal.

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This.

If you are incapacitated and he's out of the country, you must have a guardian designated. Imagine if your child ended up in foster care, even for a short stay.

Get your lawyer to give you some real life horror stories and let him know it's just a formality, doesn't change anything.

Anonymous wrote:So to confirm, if you file for sole custody and sole legal decision-making, are you concerned he will actively block you, or just not respond?

Yes that's my concern. He's abdicated any real role in DD's life, but wants to keep things off the books, so to speak. We discussed custody once when she was an infant and he essentially said this. I hoped time and good will would help us all get to a better position, but that didn't happen, and he left the country.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, he can be served internationally. I know because I served my ex that way.

Thanks. I'm trying to keep the expense and the drama to a minimum....sort of the "no big deal" approach posters above have suggested. My anxiety comes from the fact that he and I seem to get along fine...until the moment he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. It's been so disappointing that time, shared memories with DD, and peace-making gestures on my part become moot if we disagree.

Different courts require different ways to serve. Some can just do mail with confirmation, some want with signature and some have to be served in person. I wouldn't do its no big deal. I wouldn't do it but if you do, I'd take the approach, hey, with you leaving the country, there may be an legal or medical issue that comes up. Could you please sign a POA or would it be ok to go to court and get an order so I can best meet the needs of our child?

OP, you are doing the correct thing. I had to serve my relatively uninvolved XH with modification papers during one of his brief periods of mental health stability. Everyone said let sleeping dogs lie, but legally I would have been in a bind if something terrible had happened and he was unable to make decisions. Not 6 months later, I was in Central Asia when our DD was rushed to the ER. He was a mess, but my mom was able to step in and make decisions because I had the paperwork in place. Do what you have to to protect your child.

So to confirm, if you file for sole custody and sole legal decision-making, are you concerned he will actively block you, or just not respond?

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, he can be served internationally. I know because I served my ex that way.

Thanks. I'm trying to keep the expense and the drama to a minimum....sort of the "no big deal" approach posters above have suggested. My anxiety comes from the fact that he and I seem to get along fine...until the moment he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. It's been so disappointing that time, shared memories with DD, and peace-making gestures on my part become moot if we disagree.