Anonymous
Post 12/18/2015 19:33     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
OP, I would see a family therapist with experience in this field and discuss this, and make a plan. As your child begins to ask questions more, I would plan to bring her into several meetings as a family with the therapist. It's not that anything is "wrong" with you as a family and that you need mental health help -- but having a therapist work with you through this could be extremely helpful for all of you and help open up lines of communication from the beginning and make sure that everyone is coping okay and feels on-the-same-page.

Given the circumstances, I'm very curious why an open adoption was chosen. Was this advocated for by you and/or the bio-mother? It seems somewhat surprising to me given the fact that the bio-mother has the other kids. This must have been something that occurred to you during the process -- what were the discussions, and how did the bio-mother answer any questions about this situation?
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2015 09:14     Subject: Re:what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know with a lot of adoptees you can say that the BM wasnt able to care for a baby, or was young, etc etc. But that wont ring true in our situation.


I have three adopted children. The question of why their parents didn't keep them comes up every now and then. My answer is always "I don't know" because I really don't. One of my kids has an older sibling whom the birth mother kept. When he asked why her and not him, again, "I don't know." There are just aren't answers to every question our kids ask and that's ok for us to admit that to our kids. I would never say that the birth parents couldn't care for them unless I knew that to be true, which I don't. [/quote

How can you not have any idea? Don't you think you owe your children some explanation? I think what you are doing will ultimately be harmful and leave them with questions and doubts. Please consult a social worker for some guidance on how to talk to your children about their adoption.


Many people don't get any history when they adopt a child - me included. If I knew the answers, I would tell my kids. But since I don't, I don't understand why you think it would be more harmful to tell my children the truth than to make up a lie? I don't get your thinking at all. Of course my kids are going to have questions and doubts because there aren't answers to their questions. They will just have to find peace with that.


Adoption social workers will tell you that what you are supposed to do is exactly what PP said she is doing -- say I don't know when you don't know and provide details at a level that's developmentally-appropriate when you do know them. Keep it simple, answer what's asked, let the child lead, and resist the impulse to smooth things over with platitudes or happy tales. Keep the door open to further questions and allow a range of emotions to be expressed without trying to direct feelings one way or the other. It might also help to think about the language that you use when talking about adoption (e.g. your child was placed vs. given up and she was adopted vs. she's an adoptee). For some people, the semantics don't matter, but for others it does. Here's a link with some more information: http://www.barkeradoptionfoundation.org/not-giving-up-placing-for-adoption-friendly-language-101


Agree with PP. I am also adopted and have recently reunited with my birth family. My parents weren't given any information about me so they also used the "they loved you so much" line. In the beginning stages of my search, I was given info that I thought was the correct story. When I reunited, it turned out that that info was completely wrong and I was basically stolen from my birth mom. I guess my point is that even if you do have information, that info might not be correct anyway.

I also have an adopted child; I have some information but again, who knows what is truth or not?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 22:06     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
My child was adopted from overseas. I believe he might have birth siblings that still live with his birth mom. I have told him that. He is 11. He thought it was interesting that he might have siblings out there because he is an "only". We have told him about the birth siblings all thought since the time he was very young.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 21:58     Subject: Re:what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
OP here: Thanks everyone for the helpful posts. I just want to be able to help DD as much as I can when these questions and feelings come up.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 19:23     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you tell them the truth if they are the result of rape or incest?
i am one of the adoptive moms who tells her kids the truth, which is we don't know why. If that were the truth, I would tell them eventually. Im really surprised at you guys who think it's better to make up a sweet story. They grow up, you know, and they can find out. I would love it if my kids find their birth families one day and it turned out beautiffully with full acceptance from them. But I know for a fact that isn't always the case. I tell them what I know - they needed a family and we wanted a baby and fate put us together. We all had to go through rough times and loss to get here. I can't write their story before we met, so I don't know about their birth parents. What I do know is that I love them more than anything in this world.


+100
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 18:57     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:Would you tell them the truth if they are the result of rape or incest?
i am one of the adoptive moms who tells her kids the truth, which is we don't know why. If that were the truth, I would tell them eventually. Im really surprised at you guys who think it's better to make up a sweet story. They grow up, you know, and they can find out. I would love it if my kids find their birth families one day and it turned out beautiffully with full acceptance from them. But I know for a fact that isn't always the case. I tell them what I know - they needed a family and we wanted a baby and fate put us together. We all had to go through rough times and loss to get here. I can't write their story before we met, so I don't know about their birth parents. What I do know is that I love them more than anything in this world.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 18:24     Subject: Re:what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know with a lot of adoptees you can say that the BM wasnt able to care for a baby, or was young, etc etc. But that wont ring true in our situation.


I have three adopted children. The question of why their parents didn't keep them comes up every now and then. My answer is always "I don't know" because I really don't. One of my kids has an older sibling whom the birth mother kept. When he asked why her and not him, again, "I don't know." There are just aren't answers to every question our kids ask and that's ok for us to admit that to our kids. I would never say that the birth parents couldn't care for them unless I knew that to be true, which I don't. [/quote

How can you not have any idea? Don't you think you owe your children some explanation? I think what you are doing will ultimately be harmful and leave them with questions and doubts. Please consult a social worker for some guidance on how to talk to your children about their adoption.


Many people don't get any history when they adopt a child - me included. If I knew the answers, I would tell my kids. But since I don't, I don't understand why you think it would be more harmful to tell my children the truth than to make up a lie? I don't get your thinking at all. Of course my kids are going to have questions and doubts because there aren't answers to their questions. They will just have to find peace with that.


Adoption social workers will tell you that what you are supposed to do is exactly what PP said she is doing -- say I don't know when you don't know and provide details at a level that's developmentally-appropriate when you do know them. Keep it simple, answer what's asked, let the child lead, and resist the impulse to smooth things over with platitudes or happy tales. Keep the door open to further questions and allow a range of emotions to be expressed without trying to direct feelings one way or the other. It might also help to think about the language that you use when talking about adoption (e.g. your child was placed vs. given up and she was adopted vs. she's an adoptee). For some people, the semantics don't matter, but for others it does. Here's a link with some more information: http://www.barkeradoptionfoundation.org/not-giving-up-placing-for-adoption-friendly-language-101
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 17:56     Subject: Re:what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I know with a lot of adoptees you can say that the BM wasnt able to care for a baby, or was young, etc etc. But that wont ring true in our situation.


I have three adopted children. The question of why their parents didn't keep them comes up every now and then. My answer is always "I don't know" because I really don't. One of my kids has an older sibling whom the birth mother kept. When he asked why her and not him, again, "I don't know." There are just aren't answers to every question our kids ask and that's ok for us to admit that to our kids. I would never say that the birth parents couldn't care for them unless I knew that to be true, which I don't. [/quote

How can you not have any idea? Don't you think you owe your children some explanation? I think what you are doing will ultimately be harmful and leave them with questions and doubts. Please consult a social worker for some guidance on how to talk to your children about their adoption.


Many people don't get any history when they adopt a child - me included. If I knew the answers, I would tell my kids. But since I don't, I don't understand why you think it would be more harmful to tell my children the truth than to make up a lie? I don't get your thinking at all. Of course my kids are going to have questions and doubts because there aren't answers to their questions. They will just have to find peace with that.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 17:46     Subject: Re:what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:
I know with a lot of adoptees you can say that the BM wasnt able to care for a baby, or was young, etc etc. But that wont ring true in our situation.


I have three adopted children. The question of why their parents didn't keep them comes up every now and then. My answer is always "I don't know" because I really don't. One of my kids has an older sibling whom the birth mother kept. When he asked why her and not him, again, "I don't know." There are just aren't answers to every question our kids ask and that's ok for us to admit that to our kids. I would never say that the birth parents couldn't care for them unless I knew that to be true, which I don't. [/quote

How can you not have any idea? Don't you think you owe your children some explanation? I think what you are doing will ultimately be harmful and leave them with questions and doubts. Please consult a social worker for some guidance on how to talk to your children about their adoption.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 17:40     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Would you tell them the truth if they are the result of rape or incest?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 15:37     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:Although that sounds lovely I don't actually know if it's the truth and I'm not going to fill his head with a fairy tale...what if he meets her at some point and learns the reality was completely different? And, what would it say about the children she is parenting?

No. My answer is that I don't know why she made this choice. I can offer some possibilities, but it is not for me to answer this question.


Guess you don't believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy! Probably is saving you some money, but sure seems cold...
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 15:25     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:At some point one of my sons will learn that his birthmother is raising 2 of his siblings, but not him. When he asks me why, I will tell him that I am not certain.

I used to like the answer above about it meant that she loved him enough to place him for adoption and blah blah blah....Although that sounds lovely I don't actually know if it's the truth and I'm not going to fill his head with a fairy tale...what if he meets her at some point and learns the reality was completely different? And, what would it say about the children she is parenting?

No. My answer is that I don't know why she made this choice. I can offer some possibilities, but it is not for me to answer this question.


Wow.

11:23 here. I can honestly say I am very blessed you were not my adoptive parent. I don't think you have any clue, do you, what it means to be adopted and to have questions about whether you are loved, wanted, have a place in this world, and more. You may not actually understand much about child development, either, since a good 90% of what young children can grasp is essentially a half-truth about the world.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 12:13     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
At some point one of my sons will learn that his birthmother is raising 2 of his siblings, but not him. When he asks me why, I will tell him that I am not certain.

I used to like the answer above about it meant that she loved him enough to place him for adoption and blah blah blah....Although that sounds lovely I don't actually know if it's the truth and I'm not going to fill his head with a fairy tale...what if he meets her at some point and learns the reality was completely different? And, what would it say about the children she is parenting?

No. My answer is that I don't know why she made this choice. I can offer some possibilities, but it is not for me to answer this question.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 11:30     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
I tell my kids the truth about the reasons their birth moms could not parent them. Birth mom #1 was parenting one child and was homeless at the time of his birth. CPS had given her a warning that she might lose custody of the first child if she kept him. And birth mom's grandma had threatened to cut off financial support if she parented him. Everyone knew birth mom should not parent a child at that time. But then she had another child directly after my son and this is very confusing. Nothing will make sense to him and he is now 12. He can see for himself that they live in poverty and the other two kids are abused and rapidly becoming obese. This is all very painful and he goes to a therapist to deal with it.

Birth mom #2 had lost custody of all three of her other children at the time of DD's birth but later she was able to get two of the kids back and then have another child. Also difficult to understand but so far so good with my DD who is 8 years old. She seems pretty content so far.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2015 11:23     Subject: what did you tell your adopted child in this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
+1. and add, loved her 3rd child enough to admit biomom couldn't take care of her and make sure that another family would give her all the love and support she deserved. Giving up a child isnt a failure if love, it is the most loving and selfless thing a parent can do in certain situations.


Children do not fall for this line of crap. She kept two and gave me away! Why? What is wrong with me? This is how a child thinks. Adults will understand but not a young child. Also, she will want to know her two siblings. This is a huge mess, OP. Tred carefully.

I have a cousin who adopted a child under similar for circumstances and it was very difficult.


What a horribly unconstructive response... Of course many adopted children struggle with fears about abandonment and attachment. But not all do. And OP is doing the right thing by asking for ideas about this to help her DD, in the event she does have this struggle.

I'm adopted. I did not have these kinds of problems, although obviously I did have questions. To be fair, my brother did have these kinds of issues and struggled with a lot of anger that may have stemmed from feeling rejected early in his life. So (to OP's question), I would not assume either way.

While your DD is quite young, I'd focus on the positives. "She may have not been able to take care of three children, but still loved you and wanted the best for you. So she looked for a home where you would be able to get the love, attention, and things she knew you would need."

When your DD is older, I think it's OK to affirm underlying feelings. So if DD brings up this subject, you could say what you said when she was younger, but ask her "How do you feel about this?" You might be surprised how few adoptive parents ask their adopted children how they feel. Mine didn't. Probably they were afraid, but I didn't feel unloved, just wanted to understand how my story was so different from my friends'... In other words, don't project hurt or rejection (although you would want to be open to the answer that this may be what driving the question.)