OP here. Let me be more specific. My father said I deserved what he did to me.

Is that imperfect enough?

OP, let's be friends. I completely understand.

Yes, I grew up with a drug-addicted, abusive mother. I don't love her. I feel sorry for her, but love, no. She is difficult to even like.

Recently, and within the confines of a church support group, I shared very briefly about my sad childhood. It was pertinent to the topic and helpful to another member who had a similar experience. I felt relieved to have talked about something that is typically so difficult for me to mention, but after the next gathering, the leader told me that I should specifically pray to ease these memories away. I thought this was dismissive and took it to mean th at I shouldn't mention such things again. Perhaps I was wrong to assume this but I felt ashamed that I'd once again tried to be open and honest and...I misjudged my audience.

I quit immediately. People just don't understand the depths of abuse, of sorrow, of neglect.

Anonymous wrote:It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Oh, just STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

It's very easy to assign people roles like "the abuser." Most of the time things are complex, not easy.

Yes, you are right. It is very complex. I mean sometimes people deserve to be abused! If they deserve it then it is not abuse, and you are not abuser. You are just helping them!

No, that's not what the other PP meant, and I'm a new person to this thread. Also, way to make me take you less seriously by deliberately twisting their statement.

Calling someone an "abuser" reduces who they are, not that it invalidates that the abuse happened. Good people can be abusive - people who lay their life on the line for the public good can turn around and express their mental illness at home on their kids. Read Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

"Abuser" is a word that describes someone who commits abuse. Just like "rapist" describes someone who commits rape. OP said she was abused by her father. Therefore, he is her abuser. That is the way language works. We have words that mean things.

Also, if you are abusing someone, you are not a good person. Are you really saying that for example, a policeman who puts his life on the line every day but then goes home and beats his wife and children until they are black and blue is a good person?

I realized after he died that I didn't really love my father. I don't miss him at all, and I realize what a terrible father he was, how much damage he did to me during his life. It took me a long time to get to that point, and I feel rather proud of myself for finally admitting it. No one who knew my father would believe me if I told them (I've told no one, not even DH), but I'm telling DCUM! I did love my mother, but she died when I was young. My father raised me. He wasn't an abuser, ie no physical violence, no alcoholism, just terrible parenting overall, something resembling what he thought was love, but was some essential neediness. I wish I'd figured this out when he was alive, but I was so twisted by his peculiar way of living and "loving" me.
If you told me you didn't love your parents, OP, I would believe you. I wouldn't bat an eyelash, nor would I deny it were true. But other people who love their parents might not be so understanding. They can't comprehend how anyone could hate his/her parents, so don't try telling them. Wait and make sure you are telling the right person, someone who gets it.

A note on "apologies."

The truest apologies are not said or uttered - they're shown. In actions, behavior, attitude, etc.

To me, someone saying "I'm sorry for x,y,z" is pointless. If they're changed as a person now and going forward, that's where the truth lies in their apology.

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

+1

I hear you OP. But people who have not been abused or neglected won't get it. Even my husband didn't get it at first but after knowing my family for 10 years now, he absolutely understands. We see them 1-2 a year.

It is socially unacceptable to broadcast that you hate your parents OP. Save it for your therapist. Most people can't understand this because their thinking is not black-and-whtie. You parents were not bad 100%. You are still alive today to write this message. You wouldn't be here if they hadn't fed and given you what you needed to thrive. Your parents had their problems, but maybe you can try respecting them for the things they did right by you. You might find a tiny bit of love in your heart for them. Not so black-and-white.

Anonymous wrote:"My father recently apologized to me for not protecting me and my brother from her when we were kids."

Take this. Build on this. Be happy.

Oh, please. NP here. My father has apologized for his rage and other actions several times in the last ten years. He is pretty sure the apology means that I now have to act like it never happened, and like it didn't take me until I was almost 30 to figure out how to treat people kindly, and have genuine feelings of my own. He caused a lot of damage, and he will never, never truly admit it and do anything about it (like really get treatment for his mental health problems). His apology is for him. Not me.

My mom has turned herself inside out over the years to smooth the path for him, even when that meant throwing my brother and me under the (his) raging bus. She still makes excuses and believes "he's usually right." These people nearly prevented me from ever being able to truly love anyone, since their model of love is that the one you love will take your shit and pretend like it doesn't matter.

There are a lot of years of my life I can't get back when I treated other people the way I was treated because I thought that was how people acted in intimate relationships. I truly believed that all the talk of "being in love" or "loving" your family was just for show and public consumption. Is it so shocking that I don't love them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

It's very easy to assign people roles like "the abuser." Most of the time things are complex, not easy.

Yes, you are right. It is very complex. I mean sometimes people deserve to be abused! If they deserve it then it is not abuse, and you are not abuser. You are just helping them!

No, that's not what the other PP meant, and I'm a new person to this thread. Also, way to make me take you less seriously by deliberately twisting their statement.

Calling someone an "abuser" reduces who they are, not that it invalidates that the abuse happened. Good people can be abusive - people who lay their life on the line for the public good can turn around and express their mental illness at home on their kids. Read Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Yeah. Even Hitler loved his dog.

I definitely feel this way and I don't tell anyone about it and I just try to keep the conversation moving along. I especially hate being told things like "you were raised right" or "your parents did a good job." If only they knew the truth!

I used to bend over backwards to forgive them until I had kids. Now, I have to protect my kids from erratic behavior. I'm also much more furious now that I'm a parent because I know just how terrible their parenting really was. It's amazing that I survived to give them grandkids in the first place.

Forgive if you must. Hold a grudge if necessary. Protect your kids at all costs.

It's O.K. to be angry. It may get better as the kids grow older. For me personally, it's worse.

As for "other people," my parents are none of their business. If they're old friends, they know and understand why I'm estranged. New friends aren't that interested, so it never comes up. On the rare occasion that people ask, I say something generic, change the subject back to the speaker and listen. It's a formula that always works.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

It's very easy to assign people roles like "the abuser." Most of the time things are complex, not easy.

Yes, you are right. It is very complex. I mean sometimes people deserve to be abused! If they deserve it then it is not abuse, and you are not abuser. You are just helping them!

No, that's not what the other PP meant, and I'm a new person to this thread. Also, way to make me take you less seriously by deliberately twisting their statement.

Calling someone an "abuser" reduces who they are, not that it invalidates that the abuse happened. Good people can be abusive - people who lay their life on the line for the public good can turn around and express their mental illness at home on their kids. Read Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

It's very easy to assign people roles like "the abuser." Most of the time things are complex, not easy.

Yes, you are right. It is very complex. I mean sometimes people deserve to be abused! If they deserve it then it is not abuse, and you are not abuser. You are just helping them!

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

It's very easy to assign people roles like "the abuser." Most of the time things are complex, not easy.