You can 100% fix this situation if you make a concerted effort to stop caring about this. I'm completely serious. When I made the conscious decision to not let my mil get to me, her power disappeared and she really came around.

Indifference is your friend.

^^and yes, it is a major mistake to have a discussion with them about this. You are asking for reasonable behavior from people who aren't reasonable. Don't do it, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my other option is to continue to stay away and only see them 2-3 times a year even though they are local. I just don't want my husband to resent me one day for always doing more with my family and not his. Not that he ever initiates doing stuff with them.

I don't think it is healthy for me to think about this stuff all the time or dread each time I have to see them. I feel a sense of loss for us and kids but I can't force it. At least if I speak up about it this one time, I'm hoping for it help me release the tension/angst about it all.

There is no reason for you to think about this stuff "all the time" if you only see them 2-3 times per year. You are giving this too much importance. Honestly, if you have loving family on your side, you haven't lost anything. Your kids have attentive grandparents. So they don't have 4 of them, big deal.

If you are worried about DH blaming you for seeing so little of his family, then stop being part of the problem. Stop taking things personally, don't react to their baloney, and stop complaining/worrying/handwringing about them to DH. If you expect less from them, you will be far less disappointed. Stop dreaming about what-ifs and focus on what is. Stop seeking something from them that they cannot or will not deliver. Treat them like they are, I dunno, DH's boss who invites you to dinner occasionally. You suck it up and go and make pleasant chit chat and if it's bad you paste a smile on your face and tell yourself it will all be over soon. Then you go home and laugh about it with DH and then forget about it.

If you are worried about your Dh having regrets about seeing so little of his family, then talk to him about how frequently he thinks you should see them, make a schedule, and stick to it. And then suck it up, see above.

If they're not abusive or addicts or criminals, you can deal. Seriously.

I'm in the BWAHAHAHAHA camp, unfortunately.

I've attempted to do this many times over the years with my mother, and it has always ended up like this:
1. She laughs it off and then gets offended and makes herself out to be the victim.
2. She laughs it off and then mocks me and accuses me of being too sensitive.
3. She jumps right off the bat to utter outrage and calls everybody she knows to badmouth me.

So I've learned that with her personality, it does NOT work.

Good luck, OP!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my other option is to continue to stay away and only see them 2-3 times a year even though they are local. I just don't want my husband to resent me one day for always doing more with my family and not his. Not that he ever initiates doing stuff with them.

I don't think it is healthy for me to think about this stuff all the time or dread each time I have to see them. I feel a sense of loss for us and kids but I can't force it. At least if I speak up about it this one time, I'm hoping for it help me release the tension/angst about it all.

I think you need to just focus on staying in your own house and developing your own traditions with the kids during the holidays.

If they are local then you have plenty of other times that you can get together. It's not like you even have to stay overnight with them. Just pop by with a lasagna, french bread and a salad and have dinner together some night. If someone says something annoying so what. You know that you can leave soon.

OP here - my other option is to continue to stay away and only see them 2-3 times a year even though they are local. I just don't want my husband to resent me one day for always doing more with my family and not his. Not that he ever initiates doing stuff with them.

I don't think it is healthy for me to think about this stuff all the time or dread each time I have to see them. I feel a sense of loss for us and kids but I can't force it. At least if I speak up about it this one time, I'm hoping for it help me release the tension/angst about it all.

My MIL sucks and any attempt to talk things out has always failed. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

I can't see any favorable outcome from dumping this list of complaints on them. I'd deal with things on a case-by-case basis, only as needed.

+1

It sounds like she's not emotionally healthy enough to handle an airing of grievances. I would skip it!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

I think that airing your grievances will only give her ammo to use against you. Unless I'm missing something she's treating you like the scapegoat of the family. The root of all that's wrong. Lucky you.

Time to stay at home and develop your own traditions as a family. Maybe try visiting MIL when the rest of the family is not around. Or at least on a more neutral occasion.

It's also possible that she is just having a difficult time with so many young kids running around her house at once...maybe she's stressed and taking it out on the easy "nice" target (you).

Stupid waste of time and will not change a damn thing.

^^to what they say

It is not going to work in your case. You need to lower your expectations and become more immune to what they--and also make them DH's problem. They are his parents.

I have difficult parents (my father, mostly). Over the years I tried talking out the problems. It never, never worked. He feels justified in all of his behaviors, and my mom finds reasons to support his interpretation of events.

I gave up. It was either that or stop seeing them altogether. As an earlier poster said, what works with sane, well-adjusted, empathetic people may not work with those who are none of those things and have no interest in gaining insight into themselves.

My MIL had a power struggle when we got married, and the fact that she missed her nuclear family dynamic was evident. She became all consumed with anger and it was really difficult to be around. She ruined a nice birthday dinner for DH when we were in town, all because she didn't like that my parents attended the dinner because "she wanted family only." It was the most ridiculous thing, watching an adult woman pout, exclaim that she doesn't even like eating food, and stared up at the ceiling the entire time, I decided it was time for a talk. The only thing that I wish I did differently was to have my DH around to hear her and her crazy talk. She yelled, called me names, even told me she hated my family dog because hers died (4 years prior). I didn't raise my voice, call her names, etc, just explained why she hurt our feelings. She pouted for a week, but then...got over it.

She's been tremendously better. She has finally realized i'm not out to get her, not trying to keep her away from her son, make an effort to see them. She finally realized that changes are going to happen and she needs to deal with them like an adult. So, yes, talking to her made things better eventually... but her outburst during that call will be ingrained in my memory.