Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good blog from someone who choose DE, but still has doubts...
http://chickandeggs.com

She sounds like a sweet person, but inexperienced. All 2 year olds are frustrating that way. One problem with DE/ infertility is that you think it is only happening to you. Every mom gets a pang -- or many pangs-- when the kids go through the daddy phase. Its a normal, if painful phase.

If you read her whole blog, you'll see that she has struggled with 'bonding' with her DE child. The 2yo Daddy Phase just brought out the feelings she's been struggling with for years.

Anonymous wrote:OP My DE child is an adult now. Best thing I ever did. But it really helps to choose your donor with care. If your DH is not onboard, you may have to rethink. As for telling early and often, we skipped that part. I thought it was ridiculous and an added burden. We told when he turned 21. Worked out fine. He is the same genetic background as we are and looks exactly like my DH. Many people with the same genetics look very similar. GL

This is OP, and thank you for this. Funny thing, my OE child is a boy (looks 50/50 like both parents, I guess). I don't think I'd even think about this if I knew I'd have a boy who looks somewhat like DH I wonder what I will feel like about a girl who looks like the donor. I realize this sounds superficial. Maybe even appalling to some. But I am human, therefore, not perfect by any means. I still want some happiness and fulfillment in my life...

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good blog from someone who choose DE, but still has doubts...
http://chickandeggs.com

She sounds like a sweet person, but inexperienced. All 2 year olds are frustrating that way. One problem with DE/ infertility is that you think it is only happening to you. Every mom gets a pang -- or many pangs-- when the kids go through the daddy phase. Its a normal, if painful phase.

OP My DE child is an adult now. Best thing I ever did. But it really helps to choose your donor with care. If your DH is not onboard, you may have to rethink. As for telling early and often, we skipped that part. I thought it was ridiculous and an added burden. We told when he turned 21. Worked out fine. He is the same genetic background as we are and looks exactly like my DH. Many people with the same genetics look very similar. GL

OP. I don't feel bad about my doubts at all. We may sound and actually be selfish, but I admire DH in that he knows his limitations. This is besides the point though.

Thank you for your input, everybody. I think a lot will depend on DH's feelings about this. Our family circumstances are slightly unusual in many ways, so this decision seems even more complex. I may be overthinking things though. I am thankful to those who chose to share. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly anyone actually worried about her ability to love a kid who doesn't have her DNA shouldn't have a kid. You and your husband sound very selfish, OP.

This

This is a common concern when dealing donor conception (egg and sperm) and adoption. OP should not feel bad for feeling this way. That is why many people go through counseling and SGF (for example) makes DE receipents go through 1 session. And in the end, many people feel that way. I know my Mom had fertility issues and wanted to adopt. But my Dad didn't want to because he couldn't bond with a child that didn't share his DNA (and the irony that his only grandchild won't share his dna is not lost on me). But I'm glad my Dad knew himself well enough to know what he could and could not do. And the OP needs to figure this out for herself.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly anyone actually worried about her ability to love a kid who doesn't have her DNA shouldn't have a kid. You and your husband sound very selfish, OP.

This

I have a genetic kid and a DE kid. I actually had a very tough time bonding with my genetic kid at first (all is well now, though) because she was my first and I suffered from terrible PPD. When my DE kid came along I had no PPD and bonded immediately and strongly with him.

On a separate note, we have been very open with our DE child about his origins (he is 5). This comes up pretty quickly when you get asked family medical history questions in front of your child at the pediatrician. Honestly, I often forget that I have to refer to the donor's family history rather than my own and have many times stopped mid-explanation to correct myself.

Only you know whether its right for you and your husband to go forward with DE. I just hope that if you choose to bring a child into this work you and your DH will love it unconditionally. Every kid deserves that.

I have one genetic kid and one donor egg kid. No regrets at all.

The older one looks more like me and is, in many ways, more similar to me but I feel equally a mother to both.

Both kids, and pretty much everyone else, know about the donor egg. I feel that is very important for many reasons. Even if I didn't feel this way, I would tell anyway given that DNA testing may soon be as common as knowing your blood type.

Here is a good blog from someone who choose DE, but still has doubts...
http://chickandeggs.com