My Dad's funeral was December 21, 2013. He was the last member of my immediate family, I was in grad school 600 miles away, and I had been driving back and forth overnight for months to be with him. I haven't celebrated a holiday since. I've been invited to things by extended family and close friends, but I can see when I walk in the door that every one has been informed of my circumstances and I'm there out of pity. Instead, I sleep in, make a nice big breakfast, do some things I enjoy without the interruption of my phone going off, and usually go out for dinner somewhere. It's not ideal I guess, but it's an adaptation that allows me to keep my sanity. You will have to adapt and figure out what holidays and special events will look like in your future, and make peace with whatever you decide.

^^ PP here. We got the call *for FIL*. He had been ill and in hospital, and had been doing okay. We knew he was palliative but there was no indication it was so close. He actually went from sitting up, talking, laughing, joking and eating to not responding in a matter of hours.

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. We are in the same boat and it sucks. We are simplifying simplifying simplifying. Have DH pick up some of the slack and let go of the rest for this year.

Yes, this, as much as is possible.

We got the call three years ago on Dec. 18th. We dropped everything, rearranged Christmas plans and went tearing home. He passed away Dec. 22nd.

We still had younger kids (3, 6, and 11) involved so we tried to keep some semblance of Christmas for them. It didn't work very well. The funeral was Dec. 31st.

Do what you absolutely have to in order to get through. ((((HUGS))) OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. My mom died this year and I'm having a hard time with Christmas.

Maybe since your kids are older you could float the idea of postponing Christmas celebrations for a few weeks or months?

Or moving it up and celebrating one more time with Grandpa?

I like this. Can you pick a date about a week before the kids are out of school and then just pull 'em out and take the family THERE to celebrate with G'pa? Beg your job for a short leave of absence, and get your DH to fly out when he can join you (ideally when kids go). Then lower all expectations and just savor the time together as much as you can.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Christmas is canceled here too OP. My FIL is at this very moment being told if he leaves the hospital he will not survive the ride home which is 5 minutes from his house. My husband is there with his family and from his tone on the phone he's nearly hysterical. It's a death watch for him and his siblings.

All our kids are grown so we don't have to deal with that aspect. Hospice has arrived and is preparing them for the inevitable.

I feel lost. I'm worried about my husband. A 7 hour ride home alone after the funeral, whenever that happens, will be so hard for him. Both of my parents are long gone but that feeling lingers. That empty soul crushing grief.

Just know you're not alone.

Definitely simplify, OP. Concentrate on your immediate family, saying goodbye to your parent, and grieving. It is your time to say goodbye.

That's rough. Spend as much time as you can with him and be honest with your kids (they are teens, they can handle) as possible about what is going on. Don't dump on them, but let them know you are stressed and may not be in the Christmas Spirit this year. You are entitled to feel overwhelmed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. We are in the same boat and it sucks. We are simplifying simplifying simplifying. Have DH pick up some of the slack and let go of the rest for this year.

Hugs to you OP. This is good advice. Your kids are old enough to know you need some support. Let people know what is going on.

Yes, do let others know what's going on. Don't try to put on a brave face for friends or relatives, and (within reason, depending on your kids' ages and personalities) don't be afraid to say to your kids that you're sad. And be very open to accepting help: Someone who's not you or dad picking up the kids from an event. A family friend being the one to attend a kid's holiday event at school or church (the kids wiil, in the bigger scheme of things, understand this). Food delivered for your family while you're away with dad. Whatever. People really do want to help in these cases, but often have no idea what to do and get a bit afraid to ask, so don't hesitate to say, "Jenny could use a ride to X" or "Could you have the kids over sometime this weekend so we can talk with the hospice people by phone, it'll take a while" -- or whatever.

Be sure that the kids get to visit with their grandfather. I'm sure that's already on your mind. It will be tough on them but you may be glad to see their compassion and kindness. We saw how much our young teen daughter was great with her grandfather when he was clearly dying.

I also agree with a PP who said that if you work, OP, please, get time off starting now. You might be able to use family and medical leave, depending on the size of your company. Go be with dad as much as you can, while still trading off some care time so you get a little time alone while at his place. I have been where you are now, though not at the holidays. It's worth it to just tell the employer that you need family leave under the law, or just compassionate leave of some kind. Time is now the most precious commodity for you.

So, so sorry for this situation, OP.

I'm so sorry about your Dad OP. Take gentle care of yourself moving forward. Wishing you peace.

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. We are in the same boat and it sucks. We are simplifying simplifying simplifying. Have DH pick up some of the slack and let go of the rest for this year.

Hugs to you OP. This is good advice. Your kids are old enough to know you need some support. Let people know what is going on.

Anonymous wrote:Find one thing that means Christmas to you and do that thing. I speak from experience. My mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 BC at Christmas when I was a teen. We were evicted at Christmas after my dad left us. My now X husband had first first major psychotic break at Christmas time before we'd been married a calendar year. I Was a newly divorced mom with two kids and 1.5 jobs when my part-time job's boss announced our Christmas bonus was the catered holiday party and oh, yeah, btw, all positions moving to Clarksburg or quit. Lastly, I was misdiagnosed with a minor ailment and almost died in front of my kids days later at Christmas. I should hate Christmas. Instead, I focus on the one thing I can control and let the rest wash away.

Maybe you find your Christmas moment in Midnight Mass or caroling or tree-trimming, watching the Grinch or Peanuts, or cookie-baking. Pick one. Do it mindfully. Savor.

I like this idea a lot. OP, please reach out to your friends - if you were my friend I'd want to help in any way I could, like bringing your family dinner, taking your kids out to a holiday event, driving you to the airport, whatever would take a little of the load off you. Is your workplace covered by FMLA? Taking a longer stretch of leave may also be helpful to you so you're not rushing back to work.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. My mom died this year and I'm having a hard time with Christmas.

Maybe since your kids are older you could float the idea of postponing Christmas celebrations for a few weeks or months?

Or moving it up and celebrating one more time with Grandpa?

Find one thing that means Christmas to you and do that thing. I speak from experience. My mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 BC at Christmas when I was a teen. We were evicted at Christmas after my dad left us. My now X husband had first first major psychotic break at Christmas time before we'd been married a calendar year. I Was a newly divorced mom with two kids and 1.5 jobs when my part-time job's boss announced our Christmas bonus was the catered holiday party and oh, yeah, btw, all positions moving to Clarksburg or quit. Lastly, I was misdiagnosed with a minor ailment and almost died in front of my kids days later at Christmas. I should hate Christmas. Instead, I focus on the one thing I can control and let the rest wash away.

Maybe you find your Christmas moment in Midnight Mass or caroling or tree-trimming, watching the Grinch or Peanuts, or cookie-baking. Pick one. Do it mindfully. Savor.

I'm so sorry, OP. Do you have friends who could help keep your kids' Christmas on track a little? Have them over for dinner and a showing of Elf while you're out of town or whatever? Do your kids' friends' parents know what's going on with you?

My teens might not think to mention it to their friends, and even if they did, their friends might not pass it along. But I'd wish I knew, and I'd be happy to pitch in.

I'm sending you a hug over the Internet, op.