Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see no issue with you cutting down on your interactions with them. For your DH's sake, I wouldn't cut them out completely. Let him bring the kids to visit them every once in a while. You don't, however, have to host them in your home anymore.

Let DH take the lead on how much interaction he has with his parents. You don't want to be responsible for his choice on this one. He may regret it later and harbor lots of resentment toward you.

+1

It could go either way. Now that my DH has decided that his family sucks (they were abusive); we see them much less. I really don't care if the ILs blame me for seeing DH less, because they will find something to blame me for, regardless.

+2! I thought it was about me but it really was about DH and them. After I withdrew, so did DH -- toxic family of origin issues predate our marriage.

Just in time for Christmas ...

OP, I have a MIL with mental health issues, and I have decided to completely define our relationship with her. That means limited contact and when we do visit, and it's for no more than 24hours. Anything more, and my husband begins to fall apart, and we are left dealing with the after-effects of that.

We still speak occasionally on the phone. At this point I am "managing" the relationship, but there's no way to engage with her because there is no one fully "there."

Coming up with a plan now is a good first step, because as they age they may become even more unbearable.

<<Neither of my in-laws asked how I was doing or even told me they were sorry for my loss.>>


They sound emotionally stunted. They may not have said anything not because they didn't care, but because they do not know what to say or do not know how to handle it. Did you say anything to them? I would say something like, "As you know, Bob and Betty, I am in mourning and am having a really difficult time with my father's death." But if you acted as if it didn't happen, they may have been following your lead. It's terrible, still, but they may not be as awful as you think. What I am saying is, they may not be heartless, just clueless, and totally without skills. They may not ask you questions not because they are self-absorbed, but because they do not want to pry, and do not know what to talk about other than safe topics like food.

Still, I would not send my children alone to such clueless people, even if I hated being around them. I would want to be there to supervise and protect my kids. It's fine to distance yourself from them.

But at the same time, you might do better just be being a lot more blunt with them. You're operating on the assumption that they are incapable of change and/or do not want to change. Age does funny things to people. People can sometimes -- not always -- mellow. I personally can't write anyone off, especially if I think I might be able to change the dynamic just by altering my own behavior. If they prattle on and on about food, why not change the subject? If they don't bring up your dad, why not bring it up? After listening them talk about pumpkin pie, say something like, "You know, it's been hard for me to eat, because I am missing my dad so much and just grieving him." A little shock to their system might not be a bad thing. Hugs to you.

Anonymous wrote:
Don't wast your energy, OP. Seems like it's your effort that maintains the "relationship." Give that to yourself instead.

Mourning is a draining process. It lingers, and I don't believe that we have adequate social responses or supports for this. Not at all.

Take care of yourself. You done good by these people. Now, take care of yourself.

+1

Some people are negative nannies, no matter what you do (or not) for them.

Don't wast your energy, OP. Seems like it's your effort that maintains the "relationship." Give that to yourself instead.

Mourning is a draining process. It lingers, and I don't believe that we have adequate social responses or supports for this. Not at all.

Take care of yourself. You done good by these people. Now, take care of yourself.

OP, just a thought: do you have any family (cousins, siblings, nieces, nephews, whatever) with whom you could spend more time, so DH can see what a more normal (I get it, no one's family is perfect) family looks and feels like? Once Dh saw how warm and welcoming my family is, it put a lot of things in perspective for him about his family and their extreme oddities.

Anonymous wrote:I see no issue with you cutting down on your interactions with them. For your DH's sake, I wouldn't cut them out completely. Let him bring the kids to visit them every once in a while. You don't, however, have to host them in your home anymore.

Let DH take the lead on how much interaction he has with his parents. You don't want to be responsible for his choice on this one. He may regret it later and harbor lots of resentment toward you.

+1

It could go either way. Now that my DH has decided that his family sucks (they were abusive); we see them much less. I really don't care if the ILs blame me for seeing DH less, because they will find something to blame me for, regardless.

I see no issue with you cutting down on your interactions with them. For your DH's sake, I wouldn't cut them out completely. Let him bring the kids to visit them every once in a while. You don't, however, have to host them in your home anymore.

Let DH take the lead on how much interaction he has with his parents. You don't want to be responsible for his choice on this one. He may regret it later and harbor lots of resentment toward you.