As a PP said, some people just don't mesh well. There are lots of reasons for it - temperament, upbringing, you name it. Your ex has a vested interest in saying that neither of you should ever live with anyone else - it absolves him of all blame in the relationship/relationships going forward, by a) negating his ability to change so someone COULD live with him and b) putting it on you, as well, saying that no one COULD live with you.

I dated someone in my mid 20s for over a year who just made me anxious. He yelled, a lot. Wasn't abusive, at all - his whole family was like that. They just communicated at a louder volume than mine ever did. It was a long time after we broke up that someone made the offhand comment to me that it was no wonder I always seemed tense - I grew up in a household without much yelling. To me, if someone yells, it means something is wrong. It was like being on 'high-alert' all the time. Again, he wasn't abusive, or wrong, but neither was I. We just weren't compatible.

I don't think you should ignore or not examine your role in your relationship's failure, but it doesn't sound like you are doing that.

Learn. Move on. Pick a better co habitator next time.

Your ex seems like he has major issues, so I wouldn't put too much stock in what he says. And what you describe as his behavior is wrong.

BUT, you might want to consider whether you have an anxiety disorder. I am in my late 30s and am just now realizing I have generalized anxiety disorder. I had years of stress and worry and figured it was justified due to a string of horrible life experiences. Unlike another PP who gained perspective from bad things, my bad things made me more anxious. Having a child in the NICU and who ended up with a year of serious issues made me even more anxious about everything in life. I kept thinking that when I got out of XYZ situation, I would be better, but there would always be another stressful situation. Realizing that my anxiety is not normal is kind of like an epiphany for me. I am in therapy and working very hard on it, and I just started taking meds, which I hope will help. My anxiety may have ruined my marriage due to my constant stress. I wish I had realized this earlier and gotten help.

You might not have this, but I just kind of wanted to sound the alarm to check it out. You might just be in a specific stressful situation, but if you have been super stressed for your life, you might consider investigating that aspect.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm certainly not trying to avoid my responsibility in the relationship. I'm trying to figure out how I contributed to the demise so I can avoid it in the future.
While I don't necessarily believe that yelling isn't emotionally abusive, what was said to me during the yelling certainly was. He has also chased me through our house, got so close to my face that I was forced up against a wall and told me that I'm lucky that he puts up with me because nobody else will. That has happened several times.
His doctor suggested that he has PTSD earlier in the year.
I tried to get him to seek treatment for it, but he refused.

This is abusive behavior....this is not something ANYONE should ever have to put up with. Good for you for getting out. Do not give anything he says any credence.
There are plenty of men out there who can argue with their SO without resorting to physical violence and put-downs, so do not ever put up with this type of behavior from anyone. You will find the right guy. Take care of yourself and put this jerk behind you.

Anonymous wrote:My longterm BF and I broke up recently. Prior to cohabitation, we got along pretty well. Everything fell apart when we moved in together 2 years ago.
It wasn't all him and it wasn't all me. He has some serious anger issues and I am quite anxious.
He's a yeller and I cry often. He's tough and I'm sensitive. I'm very sensitive to the moods and energy of other people. It affects me quite strongly.
I got so tired of putting up with his anger and lack of communication that I started fighting back. That was the end.
He recently told me that neither of us are meant to live with other people.
This really upset me, as I want to have another relationship and don't appreciate having that doubt planted in my head.
I'm currently seeking therapy to deal with the fallout from my breakup. I want to learn to be a healthier person. While I plan to be single for a while, I wonder if it is possible to have a healthy relationship after leaving a bad one?
My ex has made me feel like I'm a monster who is incapable of having a happy, functional relationship.

NewsFlash: your BF is abusive. He has serious anger issues. He yells. He tells you you are no good for anyone else. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. It is possible to have subsequent relationships. But, it is hard to find HEALTHY subsequent relationships. You have to be willing to walk away from potential partners at the first signs of emotional abuse, control, manipulation, dishonesty, etc. You should be exploring with a therapist why you stayed together with your ex for so long after the first sign of anger. Mature adults may be angry or upset about something, but they have the capacity to control their feelings and express their concerns and needs without putting a partner down.

^^^ that first "off" should be "of"

OP, everyone has quirks, issues, flaws. No one makes it 30 years on this Earth without having some baggage -- except maybe narcissists, but that's an issue in and off itself.

The reality is that even with self-improvement, we all have certain personalities that don't jive well with other specific types of personalities.

Most people in successful long-term relationships will tell you that it is not about being perfect or finding someone who is perfect. Instead, it is about finding someone whose flaws are compatible with your flaws. So that you complement each other as opposed to aggravate each other.

It's not easy to do because you don't really know someone and their flaws until you live with them. That's when you find out if your personalities can coexist on a daily basis.

You can't live happily with him. But that doesn't mean that you can't live happily with someone else. You have to find someone who brings out your better half and for whom you bring out their better half. The relationship then is a supportive one, not a damaging one.

It is great to try to know yourself and your areas of weakness and do things to strengthen them. But you will always have those sensitivities. You may find ways to compensate or mitigate them, but you need to also have some self-acceptance. It is only then that you will fully understand what kind of things are deal breakers in a relationship.

It doesn't mean either of you are bad people. You are just bad for each other.

For some of us, the process of finding a long-term partner is one of trial and error. We learn over time what works for our specific personality make-up and what doesn't. And eventually we find someone who is willing to work with those things and with whom we are willing to work.

Don't beat yourself up. That was one guy. It didn't work out. He's not an expert on you or on relationships.

If it helps, I once lived with a man who said I was paranoid and overly sensitive. He said it constantly and made me doubt myself. He broke up with me eventually and used those things as an excuse. I later found out he was having an affair. All along, I was right to believe something was going on. I wasn't being paranoid or hypersensitive. I was actually right on target. His accusations were a way of throwing me off.

He is married now with a kid, and I think he still cheats. I think all along that is the situation he wanted: a naive wife to come home to and the opportunity to have mistresses, one-night stands, and affairs as he pleased.

He knew he would never have that situation with me. He didn't want to come home to a partner who suspected him of cheating. He wanted to be the apple of his wife's eye but still have his freedom.

Your ex realized that you wouldn't accommodate his outbursts of anger. And he seems to have no desire to mitigate his temper. For now, he claims he can't live with someone else. But he's probably still hoping he eventually finds someone who will put up with his anger without ever challenging him.

The best relationships are the ones where both people are willing to meet halfway -- to work to improve the weaknesses but understand that they will never entirely go away, but if both people can at least give a little, they can find a happy middle, one of acceptance but also of growth.

Eventually you will find a partner who loves you as you are but also inspires you to grow as a person. And you will in turn love him as he is but also inspire growth in him.

Been there, done that OP. So sorry your break-up has you feeling so bad about yourself.

However consider the SOURCE here. He is not an expert on you as well as all about you. That is only his opinion of you, but it is not the "be all to end all." Most definitely not.

He is telling you these things to break you down. By doing so, it enables him to feel superior to you which helps his self-esteem. People who are decent do not need to hurt other people just to bolster their own opinion of themselves. This is an easy & cheap shot.

No one, anyone...Has any right to tell you you are not destined to live w/another person. Just because it didn't work out between you + him does not mean that you cannot co-exist w/another person. Rubbish.

He just wants to put the blame entirely on you.

Continue your therapy. This guy has destroyed your self-esteem, thus brainwashing you.

W/time and therapy, the day will come when you will be able to see things objectively and realize that he is wrong. And that yes, after a bad break-up you can definitely have a better/more successful relationship.

But first, you need to heal yourself.

Best of luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:It will be hard for you to live with an alpha male or provider. Highly sensitive people don't mix with very many ambiscious folks. You should look for a beta but be prepared to pull a lot of weight.

Bullshit

It will be hard for you to live with an alpha male or provider. Highly sensitive people don't mix with very many ambiscious folks. You should look for a beta but be prepared to pull a lot of weight.