Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 21:45     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
Anonymous wrote:My inlaws are very pleasant people. Friendly and conversational, we are not close, but get along fine and generally get together at holidays and family events throughout year, but do not live near each other. My quibble is going to seem minor compared to other people's inlaw probably, but it's gnawing at me especially with another holiday visit approaching.

I am a working mom and my inlaws do not acknowledge anything about my career. Now I'm not one who would want to talk about work in social and family settings, but their main topic of conversation with my husband, their son, is his career. They are always asking about his work, which they are very impressed by, although he is reticent to discuss with them. When initiating conversation with me, it's always related to our children. Which is fine, but I think I'm feeling a bit burned lately as I'm working in a fairly demanding field and am also fielding most of the responsibility for kid related stuff too. It's like they can't envision that as a woman I have anything going on outside of kid related work. FWIW, their daughter, who also has s career and kids, reports that this is their dynamic with her too. So it's not personal, I guess. Also, in 10 years of marriage to their son, they've never acknowledged that I didn't take his last name and insist on addressing things to me as MyFirstName HisLastName.

I know I'm not going to change them, but how to get through upcoming extended time with them without getting too ticked off? It really does hurt my feelings that there is no acknowledgement that I do anything outside the home but I don't think confronting them would be productive, just awkward.

Thanks for reading.


So glad you posted, this as I almost posted something similar earlier this week after having spent yet another holiday with the in laws where not a single person asked me about my job. Not the in laws, not the brother in law and no one in the extended family. I should be used to it by now but every time it leaves me flabbergasted.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 21:29     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
Anonymous wrote:Don't wait for them to ask, just insert it into the conversation. When they do ask about kids, say something like:

"Billy is really doing well at school, and Janie is loving finger painting. It's so good that they are doing well, and that everything is going well for me at work, too. Did Bob tell you that I just landed a major new client?"

If they take the hint and follow the conversation more, great, if they don't, fine.

As for the name thing, unless it comes up in person, I wouldn't bother mentioning it.


+1 Good tactics here.

OP, if they are otherwise pleasant, and you like them and get along with them, other than wishing they acknowledged your career more -- you are actually in better shape, relating to your in-laws, than most of the folks who tend to post in this forum. Sounds like your in-laws aren't toxic, or telling you how to parent, or playing their son/your husband so he'll give them more attention than he gives you. All those things come up on here, and worse, which provides some perspective....

Insert what you want in conversations and see what happens, but overall, this might be a case of generational blinders -- they may be from a generation/location/cultural background that means your career doesn't register with them. Is that thoughtful? Not really, but is it mean or toxic? No. They probably have no idea that you're hurt by this because they probably have no idea that they don't engage you like you want them to on this topic. If they were intentionally slighting your career, or implying that you should be at home and not working, etc., that would be one thing, but that's not the picture here.

Maybe you'd like them to see you as more than their son's wife and their grandkids' mother -- that's perfectly understandable. That's why I'd try, as above, to introduce the topic at times and direct their attention to it, but as the PP says -- if they don't get the hint, fine.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 17:41     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
Anonymous wrote:As I was reading along I had the same response as most PPs - this is sexist in a sad, out of date way. But we all have these relatives, by blood or marriage (usually both), who are of an older generation and think very conventionally. They're irritating, and sometimes offensive, but it's not your problem. You're the one being fabulous with your career and your family and doing all this great stuff! It's their loss. They'll just hang out at home with their doilies and be outdated. Don't bother trying to 'change' them.

Until you got to the name thing. This exact thing happened to me, and honestly, this is my thought. Is it a mistake they might inadvertently make once? Ok, sure. Twice? Maybe. TEN YEARS WORTH??? That is some passive aggressive BS, but I will lose all faith in humankind if I believe that anyone could be that dumb. It only happened a handful of times with my inlaws before I just asked DH to please gently and kindly remind his mother that my name was x. It hasn't happened since. They know it's not your name and they're being a$$holes.


+1

Or raise it yourself: "we loved your Christmas card, Betty! But I think you are confused, my name is X and not Y."
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 17:35     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
Anonymous wrote:They are more interested in DH because he is their son.
Honestly I don't give a hoot what my SIL and BIL do, and will probably feel the same way when I'm a MIL, as long as they are healthy, and care for my siblings I'm good.
As a DIL I'm sure my in-laws don't care that much about what I do more than a passing comment.
Kind of a non issue and not all that sexist seems like your searching for conflict and drama.


I totally agree. They're lack of interest in your career isn't sexist. They just aren't that interested and it's understandable. Now, addressing you as YourFirstName HisLastName is far more annoying. I'm in the same position but after 20 years of this, I've learned to let it go.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 16:00     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
They are more interested in DH because he is their son.
Honestly I don't give a hoot what my SIL and BIL do, and will probably feel the same way when I'm a MIL, as long as they are healthy, and care for my siblings I'm good.
As a DIL I'm sure my in-laws don't care that much about what I do more than a passing comment.
Kind of a non issue and not all that sexist seems like your searching for conflict and drama.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 15:32     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
Is it possible they are more interested in H's job because they paid for his education? Maybe they feel a sort of "investment" in his career preparation, so are more interested in alllll the details of what he is doing.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 15:26     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
What stood out to me from your post is that you & your husband both work, your job has become more demanding recently, but the bulk of the childcare responsibilities are still on you.

If this were my situation, that is what I'd resent and the ILs refusing to acknowledge it would annoy me simply because it echoes DH's continued failure to acknowledge and do anything about it. I think your annoyance belongs with your husband. It actually sounds like you have a good relationship with your ILs since their opinion means so much to you - sure, there's friction but it sounds like there's also a lot of love.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2015 14:35     Subject: Interacting with sexist inlaws
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care and would ignore.


Well, it's not about whether you would care, now is it? OP DOES care.